What Happens Now(46)

“This is a lot of people,” said Camden, looking uncomfortable for the first time all night.

“I know somewhere private.” And I did. On the far side of the kiddie ride area, between the haunted house ride that was not at all scary and the back of a goldfish-toss game, there was a patch of grass where I once changed Danielle out of wet underwear and into fresh ones. I led Camden there.

“Do crowds make you nervous?” I asked when we rounded the corner. He answered by putting his hand on the waistband of my leggings and pulling me toward him against a telephone pole. Then he put both palms on either side of my face and stared at me, something strong and determined in his eyes.

“Do you know that I haven’t been to a fair since I was ten?”

“Because of the puke?”

He laughed, then his features settled into something more serious. “My mother thinks the fair is too commercial and exploits the animals. She’s always said it was something people went to because they thought they were supposed to. That it was expected of them. And we were beyond that.”

“Did you feel like you were missing out?”

“Yes.”

“Well, if it helps, I’ve gone every year. And I still felt like I was missing out.”

“You didn’t feel like you were, you know, part of something bigger?”

“Not really. I felt like that something bigger evaluated me, then decided it didn’t want me.” I paused. “I know what your mom is talking about. There’s an expectation here to have a certain kind of experience. No matter how much fun I had, it never felt like the right kind. Until tonight.”

Camden looked at me sadly now. He took his thumb and ran it along one side of my face, right where my hairline started.

“I guess we’re the same that way.” And he kissed me, almost urgently this time. I felt the kiss shoot into the back of my neck and then travel down the center of my body, into my limbs. It filled me with sudden understanding about Camden. He wanted to belong. He craved the exact rituals and traditions his mother wanted them to live above.

I felt closer to him now than ever before, right there against the telephone pole. Where all we could hear were the sounds of little kids screaming and three different pop music songs blaring from three different rides.

Finally, he pulled away.

“I want to win you something,” he said with a grin. “Something big and cheaply made and ugly.”

I wanted that. I wanted what it would mean.

“Come,” I said.

Fifteen minutes and thirty dollars later, Camden handed me a large stuffed penguin with dreadlocks and a Rastafarian hat.

“He’s hideous,” I proclaimed. “I love him.”

“And now you have to carry it around for the rest of the night, right? As a trophy to show you’re with a guy who’s really good at throwing things at other things?”

“I don’t mind,” I said, not wanting to tell him the full truth. That at least three good fantasies I once had about him involved exactly this kind of thing.

I texted Kendall.

Everything OK?

She answered back:

Yup.

Not great or any other adjective that might indicate they were doing more than taking pictures of sheep.

I started to type, asking her if she wanted to meet up with us.

But then I stopped after the want. What did I want? I did not want her to meet up with us, yet.

Instead I wrote:

Text me later.

Much later, I hoped.

“Let’s ride the Ferris wheel,” I said to Camden.

“Now that the temporal anomaly has been fixed, I’d love to.”

“You’re a geek.” Then I kissed him.

It wasn’t as romantic as I thought it might be, since it stopped and started so much. But for those thirty seconds when it was our turn to hover at the very top of the wheel, I rested my head on Camden’s shoulder and hugged my penguin. The breeze there felt like no breeze I’d ever felt before, and from up high the entire fair looked like something we could simply scoop up and tuck inside our jackets. Freeze it, frame it, call it perfect.

When we got off, we spotted Max and Eliza waiting in line for the swinging pirate ship. People were staring at them in their costumes, but they didn’t seem to notice.

“Oh, good!” said Eliza. “I really don’t want to go on this. Max doesn’t understand what a pukefest it can be. Also, I think his wig will fly off.”

“But it’s a pirate ship!” Max said, jokingly pushing out his lower lip. “I love pirate ships!”

“It looks innocuous,” I told Max, “but I’ve seen it make grown men cry.”

“We’re going to get something to eat,” said Camden. “Come with us instead.”

Eliza patted Max on the back. “Sorry, kid. After dinner we can go on the helicopter ride, and you can make whirring noises while you make it go up and down.”

Max stepped out of the line and gave Eliza a dirty look. She didn’t see it, but I did.

The fair had gotten really crazy now; it always ended up stupid-packed after work hours. I’d seen a few people from school so far, but they hadn’t recognized me. I hoped more would show up. I wanted them to see me, and to see me with Camden and Eliza and Max. I loved the thought of them gossiping tomorrow. Did you see that guy Ari was with? And she was wearing a wig!