Twelve Steps to Normal(94)

Alex keeps his gaze on me. “Want to talk in my truck?”

I nod, realizing that’s how he got here so fast. Once we’re inside, protected from the wind, I set my Slurpee in his cup holder and take a deep breath.

“I’m sorry—”

Alex turns to me, and I’m relieved I don’t see harshness in his features. “No, listen—you’ve apologized so many times and I just… I wanted to say some things.”

My heart sinks, but I nod for him to continue.

“I’m the one who should be sorry. I got too in my head about you and Jay, which made me weirdly, um… insecure?” He flushes, but meets my gaze. “I don’t think you’re ashamed of me. I guess maybe I—maybe I wanted you to open up to me like you used to. But just because I tell you stuff about my life doesn’t mean you have to do the same, you know?”

I watch him tug on the back of his beanie, a little stunned at his upfront apology.

“I want to. Open up to you, I mean,” I say quietly. “I was scared for a lot of reasons. I didn’t want to have to leave a second time… and leave you. I want to finish what—”

I cut myself off. Finish what? Finish something that never began?

“I know,” Alex says, then shakes his head. “I mean, not fully. But I understand you wanted to do everything in your power to keep your dad from relapsing and from being sent away again.”

I look down at my hands. That’s all true.

“I shouldn’t have been so harsh toward you when you came to apologize. I was still hurt, I think, but that’s not an excuse.” He looks right at me. “If you want to talk about stuff, I’m here. I’ve always been here. And I won’t ever judge you. I, um, I guess what I’m trying to say is… I want to be your friend.”

A lump rises in my throat. Friend. He wants to be my friend. Nothing else. It’s hard to hear, harder than I expected. And I know it’s because I wanted us to be more.

I can’t stay here. I reach for the handle of the door.

“What are you doing?” Alex asks, confused.

A chilly breeze rushes through the crack. “Leaving?”

To my surprise, Alex smiles. “Kira, I don’t want you to leave.”

Now I’m confused. “You don’t?”

He laughs. “No! Of course not. We had a fight. You apologized, and I also wanted to apologize for how I acted. But, um… I don’t want our friendship to be over.”

Disappointment tugs at my heartstrings. I think of our kiss back in the workshop, of our endless conversations and the intoxicating way he always smells like his familiar laundry detergent, like him. But I know this is my fault. I set us back again. Of course I’d need to earn his friendship before he could even see me as anything more.

But then Alex does something I don’t expect. Alex, the mostly shy, caring person that I’ve known for the last ten years, reaches for my hand.

My skin sparks with electricity.

“I also… I don’t want us to be over.”

I can’t help the tears that fall down my face. “You don’t think I screwed this up?”

“No.” He looks right into my eyes. “Kira, I care about you. A lot.” Then his body is angled toward mine, his hands delicately on my shoulders. “We’ve danced around the idea of being together for so long and, um… well… I want to be. Together, I mean.”

He’s nervous, but my own nerves burst with happiness at his words.

I can’t help but smile. “I want that, too.”

Alex smiles back, running his hands all the way up my shoulders until they gently cup my face. I’m not sure which of us leans in first, but we meet. Heat fills every inch of my body, a quiet flame that builds and builds. His lips are soft and cold and taste like cherry flavored syrup, and I want to live in the depths of this moment for eternity.

Suddenly, Alex backs away. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. I mean, I’m sorry to hear about Nonnie.” Alex is stuttering now, nervous. “I don’t want you to think I’m, um, taking advantage of your grief or—”

I immediately shake my head. “No, I know you’re not.”

I feel him let out a sigh of relief.

Then I hear myself saying the things I’ve thought about since the funeral. “I wish you could have met her. She was really great. Sometimes strange. Well, a lot strange. But in her own way, you know? I wish I could go back and do it all again—introduce you and Lin and everyone. She gave me a lot of great advice.”

Alex raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” I smile, remembering. “One time she met Freddie Mercury on the subway.” I stop. “You probably don’t want to hear about that.”

“No,” Alex says. “I do. Whenever you’re ready… we have time.”

I’m transported back to freshman year when we shared laughs in the backseat of his mom’s car. I think of all the shy glances that turned into meaningful gazes. I remember how devastated I was when he went to Sadie Hawkins with Lacey, and I can only imagine how he felt carrying around his feelings for me when I showed no signs of returning them—or how he felt when I left Cedarville without a good-bye. Despite all of that, he’d always been there. Always cared. And even though it had taken me longer to find my way back to myself, even with my twelve-steps list, I realized just how much I cared, too.