Twelve Steps to Normal(66)

Alex parks the truck on Main Street, which is double the length of the Main Street in Cedarville. It’s a chilly day—a reminder that Halloween will be here before we know it—but I don’t mind. Because even though it’s brisk, the sun is shining and I’m feeling good. Great, even. Better than I have in a while.

We walk past a few beaderies and bookstores before entering a particularly dusty antique shop called Memaw’s Attic. An enormous tub of skeleton keys catches my eye. I pick one up.

“I wonder what doors these unlock.”

Alex reaches for one with an ornate handle. “Remember the time you lost your keys on the class trip to Austin?”

I set the key back in the pile. Eighth graders at Cedarville Middle get to go on a class trip to see the capitol and watch an educational film in the neighboring Imax theater. On the bus ride there, my purse had toppled over and my house keys had made their great escape.

I freaked out after lunch when I was searching for my pack of gum, discovering my keys weren’t there. Whitney came back on the bus with me to help me look. Alex was already inside grabbing his sweatshirt from his seat. I remember he’d asked why we were on our hands and knees and when I told him, he started crawling on the gross, dirty floor with us. Whitney was the one who found them a few seats down from ours. I was so relieved.

I don’t think I ever thanked Alex for helping.

“I almost forgot about that,” I say.

He holds my gaze. “I didn’t.”

Shame trickles down my spine. I’d rejected him in middle school when I ignored his obvious feelings toward me, and I’d moved on to Jay when I knew I didn’t have a chance with Alex at the Sadie Hawkins dance. Yet after all of that, he’s still willing to be my friend.

And maybe more?

I want to show him that the times we spent together were meaningful to me, too.

“We did that project. At your house,” I find myself saying. “The Ancient Egyptian one?”

He picks up an antelope saltshaker, grinning. “I had to give Marlina and Ana my allowance money that week. Otherwise they would have never left us alone.”

He’s not even bothering to hide how he felt before. I set down another key and look at him.

“Alex—”

“I know.” He adjusts his beanie—his nervous habit. “I know you didn’t feel the same way about me, but it’s not like I was very subtle.”

I shake my head, confused. “I just—I don’t get it.”

He looks amused. “I didn’t think my feelings were that complex.”

I take a deep breath. There isn’t a better time than now.

“No, I mean, I wasn’t a good friend. Back in middle school? I hurt you. I knew you liked me, and I didn’t even acknowledge it. And I never replied to that text you sent before I left for Portland. I feel like I always mishandled your feelings. Even after not hearing from me for so long, you’re still here, being a really good friend to me. It’s more than I deserve.”

I don’t expect him to appear surprised, but he does.

“Says who?”

Now I’m confused. “What?”

“Who says it’s more than you deserve?”

Is he trying to make this hard for me? I grow frustrated. “You weren’t the only one I stopped texting when I left. I didn’t even keep in touch with Raegan or Lin or Whitney, and Whitney’s still mad about it.”

“Kira.” His voice is serious now. Quiet. “You were going through a really hard time. Of course, I understood why you didn’t text me back.”

I look up at him. His face is sincere.

“After I sent it, I honestly thought it was an unfair thing to do to you. You had enough to deal with already.” He leans against the crate. “Plus, isn’t Whitney dating Jay now? I don’t get why she’s mad at you when she would do something like that knowing what you were going through.”

This is something I’d thought about, too, but I thought it was selfish of me. It’s not like my friends had ditched me. They were constantly trying to make me feel included even though I was thousands of miles away. Couldn’t they understand why it was hard for me? And yeah, maybe it was unfair that Whitney didn’t tell me about Jay, but I always thought we’d had a solid friendship—one that boys and bouts of silence couldn’t break.

But it’s not Whitney who understood that. It’s Alex.

“I was going to ask you to Sadie’s freshman year,” I admit.

“Really?” Alex blurts, disbelieving.

“Yeah. Until Lacey did.”

“And you went with Jay.”

He doesn’t say it in an accusatory way. He’s stating a simple fact.

I nod. “Yeah.”

We stare at each other for a moment. I wonder where we’d be if we could rearrange bits of our past. If he said no to Lacey. If he said yes to me. If I replied to his texts. If I kept in touch with my friends.

If, if, if.

We’re quiet as we exit Memaw’s, but I can’t stop thinking of what he said. Am I justified in my feelings of annoyance toward Whitney? Don’t I have a right to be upset with her for hiding such a big secret from me?

We wind up meandering into an unusually warm gift shop. I watch Alex push up his long sleeves, and the sight of his lean forearms leaves me momentarily dizzy.