Thin Love (Thin Love, #1)(82)
“You wanna?”
“That’s not funny. None of this is funny!” He started to reach for her, but moved his hand away when she slipped toward the foot of her bed. “You’re killing yourself and I’m not going to watch you do it.” Keira thought that should settle things. She thought her voice was strong, determined, that the grip of the door in her hand when she walked to it told Kona enough, told him she was done talking. There was a slight feeling relief on her skin from the heat of her room with the door opened. “Get out.”
Keira thought that expression on Kona’s face told her he would leave. She thought his quick movement toward the door guaranteed he was done trying to convince her they belonged together, but then Kona pulled the door out of her hand and slammed it shut. “I don’t run. You haven’t figured that out about me yet? I don’t run away from my shit.”
“And I do? That’s what you think?” It was an insult that cut deep, that had her anger resurfacing quickly, that reminded her that Kona had no clue what she was running away from or why. Keira couldn’t make her hands stop shaking, couldn’t stop herself from shoving against Kona’s chest, from wanting to lash out at him. “I’m trying to protect myself. I won’t let you hurt me.”
“I would never hurt you. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you.”
“Except for juice? Except for wreck your body? Except for slowly kill yourself? Bullshit Kona.”
“You don’t understand what it’s like…”
“Oh I know what it’s like.” And then, Keira was nine again, desperate, scared, angry. She was ten and hopeless, feeling like her lies had failed her father, like she had been the one to pull the trigger. “I know what it is to call 911 because your father passed out with his face in a heap of blow. I know what it’s like to clean that shit up before the ambulance arrives because you can’t have your daddy in trouble again, to be a kid and still understand that the doctors in the ER could be bought.” The hot tears on her face didn’t register, it was second nature to rub them away. “I was a kid and had to catch three buses to make sure they got paid off. I know what’s like to make excuses, to tell your mother he had too much cold medicine, too much Jack, and that’s what made him almost die, not the blow, not the bottles he hid under the sofa, not the shit he did to himself.” Kona reached for her, but Keira didn’t want his comfort. She told herself she didn’t want him and when he tried again, stretching his arm toward her, she slapped his hand away, getting angrier, full of rage she knew had little to do with Kona.
“He was everything to me, Kona and I loved him so much.” Keira closed her eyes, squeezed them tight as she tried to blot out her father’s smile, his happy laugh when he played; his still body, cold, lifeless as he lay in that coffin. “I won’t do that again. I… just can’t. I don’t ever want to watch that again.”
“I’ll stop. Right now.” His voice followed her as she walked around her room. Keira felt the pent up knot in her chest and needed something in her hands to release it. She was only half listening to Kona then, looking for something she could destroy. But he continued with his promises, with pointless words that had him stepping closer, trying again to touch her. “Right this second, I’ll stop for you, Wildcat. I won’t let another needle break my f*cking skin. I promise.”
That thick knot in her chest broke free, shattered right along with the growl she released and the framed picture of her father that she threw right at Kona’s head. “Don’t make promises, Kona. Don’t tell me you swear you’ll do something. I’ve heard enough promises to last a lifetime. I’ve made enough excuses. I don’t have it in me to make any more. You need to leave.” She felt the safety glass on the floor crunch under her feet when she turned toward him. It didn’t hurt. It did nothing but release her fury. “You need to forget you know me.”
Kona was so like Keira, and she thought. That similarity was likely why he wanted her in the first place. They were both angry, both broken and when he released his own frustrated, angry growl, it didn’t bother her. It mirrored her own anger. But Kona got too close, threatened her too easily with his face inches from hers and when he spoke, his words muffled any release her outburst had given her.
“I’m not your father.”
The slap came hard, quick and stung her fingers. But it wasn’t enough, hadn’t even managed to make Kona flinch. His head hadn’t moved and so Keira tried again, another slap she hoped would shock him, would have him retreating. When Kona continued to glare at her, eyelids lowered and the usual angry tick vibrating his top lip, Keira tried again, reaching back further to hit him. Kona was ready, jerked forward and grabbed her hand before it made contact with his face.
“I can take whatever you give me, sweetheart. You wanna hit me? Do it. Do whatever you need to, only don’t tell me to walk away from you. That’s something I can’t do.” Feeling useless, Keira tried pulling her hand out of his grip, but his fingers tightened around her wrist and he hauled her forward so that she stumbled against him. “Come on! Do it! Slap me, punch me, hit me!”
It was useless to fight him. Keira felt drained, pitiful and even as she fought out of Kona’s grip, she knew she’d never get him to leave. She knew she’d have to lie, to sting, to trick him into leaving. “Stop it. Just go, Kona. Just leave me alone. I don’t want you. I don’t need you.” She pulled against his hold again, bringing her eyes nearly closed, making sure her frown was sharp, biting. “It’s over!”