The Truth About Keeping Secrets(58)

‘But you were telling people about the messages. Heath –’

‘I didn’t tell anyone.’

‘You’re lying.’

‘Great. OK. Call me a liar. Perfect.’

And then it clicked. I wasn’t sure I believed it myself. But I knew it would rattle her, and I couldn’t stand more lecturing about any and all of my human faults, so I said it: ‘You know, the cop said … After the person smashed the picture, he said there weren’t any signs of breaking or entering.’

‘OK. So?’

‘You’re the only person with a house key.’

Olivia considered this, let the weight of the faux accusation settle over us. ‘You’re fucking unbelievable,’ she finally said. She never swore. ‘You’re, you’re a bitch. You have been so mean, and so selfish, and I have no idea why everyone thinks helping you is so important because you never want to help anyone else. I get it about your dad, and like, even if I don’t get it, I do, because I miss him too. And just because you’re having a bad time doesn’t mean everyone else isn’t. And I know that I’ll never know you well enough to help you, because you’re so deep, I guess.’

‘You didn’t even try to help me.’

‘Are you actually kidding me right now?’

‘No. You didn’t do shit. You came to the funeral, then gossiped about how fucked up I was, and then you linked me to some articles and that was it. And you didn’t believe me when I needed you to.’

‘I don’t believe you because I’m not insane!’

‘And then you throwing this on me, like, like some stupid test is so unfair. A friendship shouldn’t be determined by some fucking ultimatum.’

‘You know what? You’re right. This was never gonna work. You’ve obviously been checked out for months. This was pointless.’

‘Yeah. Maybe it was.’

Olivia took a step backwards. I wished she’d fall. ‘Yeah, OK, cool. Great. Have fun pining over some straight girl. That’ll end well. Oh, and looking for a murderer. Sweet. Cool. Enjoy.’

And then she turned on her heels and stormed away.

‘By the way, I lost the freaking house key. It’s for the best. I don’t want anything more to do with you, anyway.’

But I wasn’t listening any more. I shut the door too hard.

I wanted to scream.

I threw myself into my bed, scrunched a pillow round my face like I was trying to suffocate myself and absolutely wailed into it.

She doesn’t need you. She doesn’t need you.

Olivia was the sole messenger of everything I had feared was true and hearing it aloud made me feel like I was choking, falling, dying.

I imagined myself stealing away to open June’s folder in the middle of the night, but instead of answers, it was full of blood.

The day of the dance arrived without further incident.

Mostly. I still felt the hollowness in my stomach that let me know something bad was probably going to happen, though I felt that all the time, so it wasn’t like it was very accurate. And anyway, the dance felt like an incident in itself. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I was supposed to have a group of friends, like, eight of them, and we were supposed to all get ready together and then take pictures with our awkward dates and even my version of normal, which was spending that time with Olivia, wasn’t happening. Instead, my best friend hated me, I hated my best friend, and a girl I’d known for five months and a boy I’d known for three were the centre of my universe.

June. She’d make this all OK. Wouldn’t she? Except after everything that happened, the thought of her wasn’t even filling me up like it used to.

But maybe that could change. Maybe there’d be a marvellous shift in the air tonight and everything would feel OK and right. June. Cleaned-up June. June in a dress. June dancing. I so badly wanted to see June dancing.

Did I, though?

Because now every time I thought of her my mouth went acidic and I felt the need to spit to clear the taste away.

So when she called at three that day while I was FaceTiming with Leo, after I’d already put on my tux because I was so excited, my gut splattered across the walls.

‘It’s June,’ I said to Leo. ‘Hold on.’

Something was wrong. I knew it.

‘Hey, Whitaker.’

‘Uh, hi. What’s up?’

‘So, there’s been a development: I don’t think I’m actually gonna be able to make it tonight.’

There it was. Splat. ‘I … why? What’s the matter?’

‘Nothing’s the matter.’

‘Why are you just – lying, right now?’

A pause. ‘I’m not lying. Just – don’t worry about it, OK?’

‘How can I not worry about it when you –’

‘I hope you have a good break, and I hope you and Leo have fun. All right? I’ll see you … some time.’

I went to say goodbye but she’d already hung up.

She didn’t even sound upset. Her voice was completely monotone. Like it hadn’t meant anything.

Leo’s face appeared on the screen, and I think he was looking for a reaction from me, but I just stared. ‘What was that about?’ he asked.