The Secrets We Keep(54)

“Deny it if you want,” Jenna continued. “You and I both know it’s the truth.”

“No. It’s not.” I don’t know where my courage came from, but I didn’t care. I had waited three long years to tell Jenna what I thought of her, and I wasn’t going to stop myself now. “I am nothing like you. I don’t use my family problems as an excuse to treat everybody like crap, and I would never go crying to my best friend’s boyfriend about how mean my father is or how broke we are. You think crying to Alex is going to gain you sympathy points, gonna make him dump me to take care of you?”

Jenna reached over and grabbed my arm, towed me into the girls’ bathroom across the hall. She kicked open each stall to make sure they were all empty before turning to the two girls staring at us from the sink. “Get out,” she yelled. “Now!”

She slammed the door shut behind them and put her ear to the wood—I presumed to make sure no one was eavesdropping. I didn’t know how she could tell, but I guessed certain types of people, those who are well versed in gossipy behavior, had their ways.

“You have shut me out for nearly a month, letting Alex be your go-between. I don’t know why, and, to be honest, I don’t care because it’s absolutely working in my favor.”

“In your favor? How is my accident working in your favor?”

“Alex loves you. I’ll give you that. But he’ll only put up with this”—arms fluttered in my direction—“for so long.”

I didn’t try to keep the contempt from my voice. I embraced it and let my words come out in a low growl. “Put up with what?”

“Oh, come on. Did you hit your head that hard?”

I toyed with actually answering her. I had hit the tree hard enough that I had no freaking clue who I was when I woke up. It took staring at my cold, dead sister in the hospital morgue to jar my memory. So yeah … kinda.

“For the first couple of days, I thought you were upset, you know … torn up about your sister and feeling guilty, but you had Alex answering my texts and returning my calls.” She paused long enough to laugh. “But you have even shut him out completely.”


“That’s not true,” I fired back. She had no idea what Alex and I had talked about when he was at my house, no idea how many times he sat there quietly holding my hand when I refused to talk. I hadn’t shut Alex out. The only person I was keeping on the outside was Jenna, and that was purposeful.

“It’s true, and you know it. If you pulled yourself out of your own pity party for half a second, you’d see it.”

I’d killed my own sister; I think that alone entitled me to a bit of self-inflicted guilt. But that wasn’t what had me broken and stumbling through the motions of being Maddy. She wasn’t merely my sister. She was a part of me, the one person I knew would always be there. And now she was gone. I missed her, and no matter what lie I told or how much time passed, I couldn’t get the overwhelming feeling of complete emptiness to go away.

“So what if I was a little distant. It’s to be expected given what I’ve been through.” I knew for a fact nobody would think twice about me being quiet, more reserved than the Maddy they knew. In fact, the one time Mom had brought it up to my doctors they told her it was normal, that anger and refusal to talk were normal stages of the grieving process.

“There is a difference between being quiet and completely freezing someone out, Maddy. When was the last time you and Alex slept together?”

I was genuinely confused. I didn’t know the answer to that, couldn’t hazard a guess. He’d tried that night in my room, but I’d pushed him away, not wanting to go there.

“You can’t even remember, can you?” she continued when I didn’t answer. “When was the last time you were on a date with him or let him kiss you? Not coddle you, but actually kiss you.”

“That’s none of your business.”

“He’s not forty, Maddy. And you sure as hell aren’t married. He’s eighteen. He has absolutely no reason to stick by you.” She eased forward over the sink and adjusted her hair in the mirror. “And there are plenty of others more than willing to take your place.”

“And by others, you mean you.”

Jenna turned around and grinned. “I didn’t say that.” She didn’t exactly not say it either. “But I have come to a decision about something else.”

“And that is?”

“I want to be the Snow Ball queen. You had your turn last year. Now it’s mine.”

I couldn’t care less about the Snow Ball or that ninety-nine-cent crown Jenna was after. As far as I was concerned, Jenna could have every one of the plastic crowns hanging from Maddy’s mirror. I’d box them up and give them to her tonight if that’s what she wanted.

“Last I checked, voting ends tomorrow. Maybe you should step up your game,” I said. I might not have been interested in her popularity contest, but there was no way I was going to let her know that.

“Nope. You’re going to find a way to back out. I don’t care what you say or what lie you come up with, just do it.”

“And if I don’t?”

She leaned in as if afraid somebody in this completely empty bathroom would hear us. “You think Alex loves you enough to go to jail for you? He’s got a full scholarship to Syracuse to play soccer. You think he’s going to risk that to defend you?”