The Secrets We Keep(53)

“Stop,” I yelled. Everyone in the hallway, including Josh, swung their heads in my direction. I gave them a mind-your-own-business stare, then quickly caught up to Josh. “I need your help.”

I could see the elation in his eyes as he took a step closer and bent down to whisper into my ear. He laced his fingers through mine and pulled me aside, at least giving us the appearance of privacy. “Okay, I think we should start with your parents. They can help us figure out how to tell Alex and everybody else. I know you’re worried that they will—”

I pulled my hand free and took a step back. “Wait, what?”

“I mean, sure they’re going to be surprised and confused, but I don’t think they’ll hate you if that’s what you are worried about. They love you.”

“I’m not telling them who I am, Josh.”

“Okay, I get that. So we can tell somebody else first, maybe my mom. She can help us figure out what to say to your parents, probably be there when you tell them if that’s what you want.”

“No, you don’t get it. I’m not telling them. Ever. Maddy deserved to live. That’s what I’m doing, making sure she does.”

He shrank back at my words as if he’d been slapped. “But you said you needed my help.”

“I do, but not with that. With something Maddy did … or something I think she did, anyway. I know why she hung out with Jenna now, why she put up with her crap.” And it had nothing to do with Maddy feeling bad for Jenna and her family situation. My guess was, Jenna knew exactly what had happened to Molly, that somehow my sister was involved and Jenna was holding it over Maddy’s head, using it to slowly take everything important away from her.

I stood there and watched his faith in me disappear, his optimism deflating as my true intentions finally took form. “You’re still going to be her? You still want to be her?”

What I wanted had nothing to do with it, but that didn’t change my answer. “Yes.”

He shook his head and backed up, put what felt like miles of distance between us. “Then I can’t help you. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, I don’t know you anymore.”

He walked away from me. No I understand. No If you change your mind, I’ll be here. Not even an It will be okay, we’ll figure it out. Nothing more than a clearly delivered, soul-crushing I don’t want you in my life anymore.

“Did you mean what you said last night? Before you left?” I called after him.

Slowly, Josh turned around, his anger still firmly in place. “Did I love Ella? Is that what you are asking me?”

I nodded, quite aware that every word I spoke was being uploaded to YouTube or texted across the entire school.

“I meant it. I have since the day I met her. Still do.”

“Then why didn’t you ever tell her? You spent nearly every second of every day together and you never thought to tell her? Never thought she’d want to know or that perhaps she felt the same way?”

He took a step toward me, then stopped. His hands tensed at his sides, his tone low, guttural as if he was fighting to speak through his gritted teeth. “She was never, ever, on her own. And as for why I didn’t tell her … well, she never seemed ready to hear it. Still doesn’t.”





34

I couldn’t move, couldn’t even muster the resolve to look around me. It took an enormous amount of effort just to stay upright, not to dissolve in a pile of tears in the middle of the hall.

“Trouble with your sister’s boyfriend?” I swung my head around at the sound of her voice, wondered exactly how long Jenna had been standing there and how much she’d heard.

“Piece of advice,” she said. “Try worrying less about your dead sister and more about yourself.”

It was no secret that Jenna had had no use for Ella. She’d made that clear at the party the night my sister died. Part of me hoped it was a fa?ade, something she did in public to keep up her image. To hear her express it in private, to me, wounded me in a way I wouldn’t have thought possible.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, please, Maddy. Are you blind? Have you looked in the mirror lately? You look like crap, and your behavior kind of reminds me a bit of Molly’s. You want to be her? The fragile girl who everyone thinks is crazy?”

“Are you kidding me, Jenna? Do you have any idea what she—”

Jenna cut me off with a wave of her hand, the sarcastic grin spreading across her face too telling. “Oh, I know exactly what she went through. But they let her back on the team this year, so I guess all is forgiven.”

I was confused as to why Jenna found this amusing. Her reaction, frankly, was downright twisted. I didn’t care about pretending to be Maddy in that moment, didn’t care if I slipped up and she figured out who I really was. I wasn’t going to spend the rest of the year being her friend. Forget Alex and his you-have-to-play-nice-with-Jenna attitude. I was done with her.

“I don’t get you. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why we are even friends.”

“Because we’re exactly the same,” Jenna replied.

I shook my head. I refused to believe that. The Maddy I’d shared a room with for the first ten years of my life, the Maddy Mom and Dad adored, the one who still made cards for our grandmother at Christmas could never be as cruel and self-serving as Jenna.