Riding With Brighton(29)
I look over at him in the passenger seat. He’s resting against the seat with his eyes closed. I can’t even imagine the tornado of thoughts spinning inside his head right now.
We’re sitting just outside the gate of The Farm because I’m not sure where to go, and I’m waiting for him to give me direction. This journey we’re on is 100 percent his now, and I don’t know where he wants to take it.
“I think I need to go see Sadie,” he says, his eyes still shut.
“You sure?” I ask him.
“Yeah.” He turns his head and looks at me. His eyes look different now, and I’m looking at him with new eyes too.
It was beautifully tragic watching him break the way he did. He looked at that woman’s eyes, and he understood something I—the kid who grew up surrounded by art—couldn’t figure out no matter how many hours I spent looking at those same eyes.
And not only did he understand it, he let it open up something inside him, and then he showed it to me. He held on to me and he cried and he showed me everything. And a little part of me fell in love with him right then.
“You want to do that now?”
His face cringes like he’s in pain. “I didn’t mean to drag you into this. I wasn’t expecting all of this shit to just break free in me today. If you want to bring me back to my truck, I can handle this on my own. You shouldn’t have to go through it with me.”
I reach over and grab one of his hands in mine. “I wasn’t expecting this either, but it’s good, Jay. I want to be part of whatever you want me to be a part of. I’m here for you, no matter what.”
His face tenses further and his eyes shut, and I know he’s trying to hold back his emotions. I know what I’m feeling, just going through this with him. I can’t imagine what it feels like to be him.
His eyes open and a smirk comes over his mouth. “You know what I’m most afraid of right now?”
“Jesus, Jay. I can’t even imagine. There are so many options.” I smirk back at him.
“Yeah, there are, and I should be afraid of all of them. And I am. But, against all logic, the thing that’s terrifying me the most is all the layers of weird, totally confusing emotions I’m starting to feel for you.”
I full-on smile at that. “Let me have it. I’m sexy and intriguing and….?”
“Shit, I’m not just gonna drop it all on you. I mean, I have to maintain some of my game, right?”
“Trust me, Jay, you got all kinds of game. These layers… I’m feeling them too. Every time you crack a little more, your game gets stronger.”
He laughs and takes his hand from mine so he can rub both palms over his face. “That’s exactly what I’m doing, isn’t it? Cracking right in front of your eyes.”
“I don’t mean cracking, like losing it, like crazy. I mean, you’re like an egg.”
He turns to me, his face all screwed-up. “An egg?”
“And I’m watching it crack, and I don’t know what the hell’s gonna come out of it. Could be a yolky mess, could be a fully formed, shiny hardboiled egg, or could be a brand-new baby chick. It’s scary but beautiful.”
He laughs. “I don’t know about the egg analogy, but that’s exactly what it feels like. I don’t know what the hell is gonna break loose in me next, but I know I can’t stop it. It is scary… and yeah, maybe part of it is beautiful.”
AS WE pull up to Sadie’s house, I’m a little scared for Jay, but I’m trying my best to keep the mood light. He opens his door and takes a step out, pauses, and turns to me. I wait for him to say something, but he just stares at me.
“Are you having second thoughts?” I ask, purposefully keeping my tone easy so he knows I’m not trying to push him one way or the other. And I’m not. I’m pretty damn sure this isn’t a road he can turn around on now that he’s started walking down it and it’s completely up to him how long he wants to take getting to the end of it.
“Is it weird if you come with me?”
“To break up with your girlfriend? Um… yeah, I think that’s something you don’t bring your buddies along to participate in.”
“Right, but that’s not really what this is about. I think I want to tell her. I think she deserves to know the real reason why I can’t be with her, and I don’t think I’ll have the balls to do it if you’re not with me.”
Oh shit. Is he serious? “Really, Jay? I mean, are you really ready to do that? Maybe you want to take a minute and think about it.”
“Brighton, I’ve been thinking about doing things my entire life. And now I’m ready to actually do them. Can you not second-guess me?”
“Damn,” I say to his take-control attitude. “Fine. Let’s do this.” I get out of the truck and walk with him up to the front step. When we’re there I take a big breath, trying to calm my shaky insides. “Jesus, I don’t know why I’m so damn nervous.” My hands are literally shaking out of fear.
“It’s because you never had to do any of this. You never had to come out to anyone, but you get how scary it is.”
“You’re like Mr. Insightful this afternoon.”
“It’s weird how obvious shit becomes once you’re willing to accept the truth.”