P.S. I Like You(59)

He rubbed his forehead. “Long story more about pissing off my dad than loving my stepdad so much that I took his last name.”

“Got it.” I wanted to ask him if his father had responded to his letter yet. If he’d ever asked his stepdad why he was so hard on him. But I didn’t. I leaned against the railing, looking out at the lights. It really was gorgeous up here.

There were some chairs and tables stacked along the edge of the patio and Cade got two chairs and brought them over to where I stood, setting one behind me. I sat down and he did as well.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked. Why was he deciding now, when I had renewed my vow to walk away from him, when I’d reminded myself of his past with Isabel, to act more like the person in the letters?

“Why am I doing this … ” He twisted his bracelet around his wrist several times before holding up his fist. “This.”

“I don’t understand.”

“This bracelet. I wore it to make you angry and all it did was remind me of the conversation we had in my kitchen. The one where you spelled out my shortcomings so well. I realize that I deserve your disdain that I always thought was unjustified.”

Wow. I never thought I’d hear those words from Cade. “You didn’t … you don’t,” I said. “I was quick to assign you motives over the years. I’m good at that.”

He shrugged. “I deserved some of it. I always told myself I was just treating you how you treated me, but that was just an excuse. I haven’t been nice. Like at the fall festival. I knew you heard me talking to Mike about you, so I said what I did on purpose. I didn’t mean it. I was a jerk. Anyway, I guess what this bracelet made me realize is that I owe you an apology bracelet, too. I just don’t have a mom who forces me to do things like that.”

I held out my hand. “Where is it then?”

He laughed. “Metaphorically speaking.”

“I get a metaphorical apology bracelet and you get a real one? Totally unfair.” I dropped my hand with a smile.

“I know. Words aren’t quite as good as actions, are they?”

“I love words,” I said too quickly, thinking about his letters and song lyrics and books and everything else that words made possible. He raised an eyebrow. “Lucas, too,” I added.

His eyebrow came down. “What?”

“You were mean to me when I was talking to Lucas.”

“When?”

“At the football game. You dragged him away and probably told him not to bother.”

Cade shook his head several times. “No. I was trying to help. You had this frozen look on your face. I thought you were uncomfortable.”

“You were saving me?”

“I thought I was. Apparently not.”

“People don’t always need you to save them, you know.”

He looked down at his hands that he had clasped together. “But sometimes they do, right?”

When I didn’t answer he went on. “It’s okay to need help every once in a while … To ask for help.”

“I don’t need help. And I don’t need someone who helps people to make himself feel important.”

I cringed. Why did I say that? Why did I always lash out at him?

I knew why. Because I cared about him. And it was becoming obvious to me that he cared about everybody. He liked to help people, which was the real reason he was sitting in front of me right now. He thought he was helping when really he was making this so much harder for me.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“You’re probably right,” he said with a sigh. “Half the reason I try to help people is to make myself feel … ” He trailed off and I had no idea how he was going to finish that sentence.

“Feel what?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. So, why were you so upset earlier?”

I swallowed hard. “I lost something important to me. And then I found out Lucas and I aren’t really compatible.” Mostly because I figured out I really like you but can’t have you.

“Compatible? You seem perfect for each other.”

“Is that an insult?” I normally wouldn’t take it as one, but coming from Cade, it felt like one.

“No. I just mean that he’s not mainstream. He’s a little different. You seem to like that.”

“I do.”

“So then what’s the problem?”

“No problem. It was just bad timing, I guess. It’s not a big deal. Really.”

“A big enough deal to cry over.”

I had not been crying about Lucas. My guitar, yes. My never-to-be relationship with Cade, yes. But not Lucas. “It wasn’t about that. I’ll be fine.”

“But if you like someone enough you try to work on things.”

I laughed a little. “And there is the problem. We didn’t like each other enough.”

“Because you like someone else?”

My eyes locked on his. Had I somehow given that away? I needed to change the subject before the truth came out.

“What about you?” I asked quickly. “How have you been?”

“Since?”

“I don’t know. Since Thanksgiving when a rude person kicked you out of her house.”