Lying Out Loud(63)

“I speak for you because you don’t speak up!” I argued. “That’s what I do. I defend you. I protect you.”

“I never asked you to,” she said. “And that’s definitely not what you’ve been doing lately. None of this had anything to do with helping me. It was to help you. Because when I did speak up, when I told you how I felt in Tennessee, you just walked all over me. Completely disregarded everything I said. How is that defending me?”

“Amy —”

“I’m going to talk over you this time!” she shouted. It was so startling, so un-Amy-like, that I took a step back. “You are so selfish,” she continued. “You say that I’m your best friend, but you used me. You pretended to be me. I can’t understand that.”

“Because everything’s easy for you!” I yelled back. “Amy Rush: beautiful, rich, sweet. A good family. A good future ahead of you. Everything just falls into your f*cking lap!”

“That’s not true.”

“Oh, right,” I said. “You’re shy. What a freaking challenge. How hard that must be,” I scoffed. “You don’t even realize how good you have it. Or how hard it is for the rest of us. Guess what, Amy? We’re not going to be roommates in college. Because I never applied anywhere.”

Amy blinked, startled. “What?”

“I’m not going to college,” I said. “If you stopped and thought about it for two seconds, you’d know there’s no way I’m going to Dartmouth or Brown or whatever. I don’t have money. Your parents are paying for my gas right now! I don’t even have a family to sign the damn financial aid forms. You’re going to college, and I have no f*cking clue what I’m doing after you leave.”

“So you lied to me about that, too.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I did.”

She shook her head, then turned and walked up the stairs. I followed her.

“That’s it?” I asked. I was riled up now. Amy and I had never been in a fight before. Usually she just got quiet and I waited for her to come around. We’d never yelled at each other. It used to be a point of pride, actually, but now I wanted to yell. I knew I’d regret it later, but at the moment, I wanted to make her hurt as much as I did.

“Yeah,” she said, stopping in her bedroom doorway. “That’s it. I’m done, Sonny. I’m done letting you push me around and use me and …” She let out a long breath. She was calm now. Quiet. “I always knew you were a liar,” she said. “I just never thought you’d lie to me. Guess I was wrong.”

My instinct was to get the last word. That the person who spoke last won the fight. Logical, I know.

But her words hit me harder than anything else she’d said. As it turned out, I didn’t need to make Amy hurt now. I already had.

And before I could come up with anything to say, anything that would make me feel even momentarily victorious, Amy slammed the door in my face.

*

Our fight went on for another week. Cold shoulders, angry glares, slamming doors. I spent most of my time in the guest room, wallowing in my misery.

More than once, I found myself dialing Ryder’s number, wanting to hear his voice, to get his advice on what to do, to have him make me laugh. Then I’d remember that he hated me, too, and I’d be left even more crushed than I’d been a moment before.

I’d hoped Amy’s parents hadn’t picked up on the tension in the house, but of course they had.

“Sonny,” Mrs. Rush said from outside the bedroom door. “Can we come in a second?”

“Yes,” I said, sitting up. I’d been lying on my back, staring at the ceiling, contemplating how awful my life was. You know, productive stuff. “Come on in.”

Mr. and Mrs. Rush stepped inside, and Mr. Rush shut the door behind him. I knew by the looks on their faces that nothing good was going to come of this.

“We wanted to come in and check on you,” Mrs. Rush said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“We know that things between you and Amy have been … off,” Mr. Rush said.

Understatement of the century.

“Yeah … Um. I’m okay.”

“That’s good,” Mrs. Rush said. “You know we love both you and Amy, and we’re sure you two will work this out eventually.”

I was glad she was, because I wasn’t so sure.

“We don’t know what’s going on between you two,” Mr. Rush said. “You’ve been very quiet on the topic. And that’s your prerogative. We just want you to know that we’re here for you both.”

I could sense the “but” coming.

“We’ve been thinking, though,” Mrs. Rush said. “This has been going on for two weeks, and … maybe the best thing for both of you is to take some time apart. To get some space from each other.”

“Oh.”

I felt the panic beginning to rise. Because I knew what came next. I knew what they were going to say.

And it was the last thing I wanted to hear.

“We’ve been happy to have you here,” Mr. Rush said. “But living together is hard. Even for best friends. So perhaps it’s time for you to go home.”





They insisted on driving me.