Lying Out Loud(67)

She looked up at me, eyes wide and a little wet.

And seeing her on the brink of tears brought me there, too.

“I’m sorry. For all of it. Of course I care about you, Amy. More than anybody. You’re my best friend. I never meant to hurt you.” I took a deep breath. “Part of the reason I spent less time with you after I started dating Ryder was the whole college thing.”

Amy looked down at her feet.

“I shouldn’t have said all that the other day, about you having it so easy.”

“You weren’t wrong,” she said.

“I still shouldn’t have said it. And I shouldn’t have lied to you about college,” I said. “But every time you talked about it, I just felt … scared. Because I knew you’d be leaving me. And I knew that if you knew I wasn’t going, you’d be upset, too, and … I don’t know. I didn’t want to think about it. And I didn’t have to when I was with Ryder.”

“I’m sorry that I just assumed you were going,” she said. “I guess I do take the good things in my life for granted sometimes.”

“I think we’re both probably guilty of that.”

She hesitated. “Why did you lie to me about telling Ryder the truth?”

“Because I didn’t want you to be mad at me?” I said. “That sounds ridiculous in hindsight. But I guess I just thought … I thought that if I lied, I might be able to keep you both. Instead, I lost you both.”

“You didn’t lose me,” she said. “But you will if you keep doing this.”

“I know,” I said, wrapping my arms around myself. “But it’s scary to tell the truth sometimes. I’ve always been able to hide behind lies. To shield myself.”

“What are you shielding yourself from?” she asked.

“Judgment? Scorn? I don’t know.” I wanted to lie right then. To get out of this conversation before it got too honest. But Amy was right. I couldn’t keep lying. “The funny thing is, I hid behind lies because I was scared that … that if people knew everything, saw all of me, they’d take off running. Like my mom did. So I’d only let bits and pieces show. Instead, the lies ended up driving everyone away.”

“Not everyone,” she said. “You’ve got the Rushes in your corner. But you’ve got to start letting us in. Letting us help. You know … you mentioned college.”

“I don’t want to talk about that anymore.”

“Just hear me out,” she said. “That’s another thing. No more talking over me or pushing me around. That’s got to change.”

I nodded. “Sorry.”


“That’s on me, too,” she said. “I’ve got to start speaking up. I’ve got to stop being quiet, weak Amy and start being … Fierce Amy.”

“Fierce Amy?” I couldn’t help but laugh. “Someone’s been watching America’s Next Top Model.”

She ignored me. “Back to the college thing. It might be too late for next semester, but that doesn’t mean it can never happen. There are scholarships — I’ll help you find them. And my parents aren’t just going to kick you out on the street after you graduate.”

“I can’t let them keep taking care of me.”

“Then you can pay some rent when you find a job,” she said. “But let us help. You’re part of the family, Sonny. Whether you like it or not. You’re stuck with us.”

“I guess I can think of worse people to be stuck with,” I said. “But what about us? Are we back to normal? Sonny and Amy?”

“Not quite,” she said. “That’s probably going to take a while. I love you, Sonny, but you’re going to have to prove that I can trust you again. That you’re not going to lie to me anymore.”

“I can do that,” I assured her. “It’ll be a hard habit to break, but … but I can take an oath. A vow of honesty.”

“That sounds a little more dramatic than what I was hoping for, but okay.” She put her bowl in the sink. She hadn’t eaten much of her midnight snack either. “Now come on. I know it’s silly, but I have a hard time sleeping when you’re in the other room.”

We headed toward the stairs together. “You know,” I said. “While we’re trying to build a healthier friendship, we might want to deal with our whole codependency thing.”

“Probably,” she agreed. “But maybe another night.”





“Okay. Here goes. Ahem. I, Sonny Elizabeth Ardmore —”

“Shouldn’t it be Sonya?” Amy asked.

“No.”

“I’m just saying, if you’re going to be all official about it, it should probably say your full name.”

“Ugh. Fine.” I picked up a pen and scratched out Sonny before scribbling Sonya above it. “There. Sonya. Happy?”

Amy shrugged. “Personally, I still think the whole thing is a little on the ridiculous side. But I guess that’s not really a surprise coming from you.”

“Forgive me for liking a little bit of formality when it comes to taking my oaths.” I picked up my paper again and cleared my throat. “I, Sonya Elizabeth Ardmore, hereafter swear to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help me —”