Instructions for Dancing(67)
The very short walk from her door to the living room is the longest I’ve ever taken.
I don’t know exactly when or how X is going to die. I don’t know how I’m going to survive the crater he’ll leave inside me.
The only thing I know for sure is that I can’t live with knowing I could’ve had more time with him and I didn’t take it. It doesn’t matter that love ends. It just matters that there’s love.
X stops playing as soon as I’m in the doorway, as if he can sense me there.
“It’s my dad’s wedding today,” I say.
He stares down at his feet. “When?”
“Right now. I mean, it happened already.”
“Did you go?”
“I did. It was nice. The reception is happening right now.”
He looks over at me. His eyes are sad and wary, but at least they’re on me. “Why are you here, Evie?”
“I need a dance partner.”
“You came all the way over here in the middle of your dad’s wedding to ask me to dance with you?”
“Yes.” I leave the doorway and sit next to him on the sofa.
He hugs his guitar tighter and shifts slightly away from me. “I don’t know, Evie. You messed me up pretty bad.”
God, I’ve wasted so much time already.
“I know,” I say. I reach out and rest my hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t flinch, so I keep going. “I’m sorry. I was scared.”
“Of what?” he asks.
“Of losing you.”
He hangs his head down, not looking at me. “You don’t make sense. You’re scared of losing me, so you dump me?”
“It seemed safer.”
“You were never going to lose me,” he says, frustrated. “I tried to tell you.”
I stand up and pace a little, trying to find the right words. “I’m screwing this up. What I’m saying is I finally figured out that endings don’t matter nearly as much as I thought they did.”
“What matters, then?”
I sit back down. “Beginnings are nice, but the best part is right now, in the wide-open middle. I made fun of you, but you were right this whole time. I should live in the moment and all that other stuff.”
He lifts his head and turns to face me.
Now I know the right words to say. “You’re the love of my life, Xavier Darius Woods. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.”
His smile starts off small just at the corners of his mouth before spreading to take over his entire face. “I’m the love of your life?” he asks.
“You are. It’s terrifying, frankly.”
He laughs at that and then bumps his shoulder into mine. “You’re the love of mine too, you know.”
“I know,” I say.
He stands and tugs me up with him. “So you want to go dancing at your dad’s wedding?”
“I do. Will you go with me?”
He grins. “I ever tell you about my philosophy of saying yes to everything?”
CHAPTER 60
The Future
WHEN WE GET to the reception, the lights are dim except for a giant disco ball spinning silver light. The band is playing, and most everyone is dancing. Dad and Shirley are in the center of the floor. I think they’re doing the (slow, boring, English) waltz, but it’s hard to tell because they’re pretty terrible dancers. What they lack in skill, though, they make up for in happiness.
I look around for Danica and find her eating cake and talking to someone on the phone. I wonder if it’s Martin. I hope it is.
The song winds down, and I pull X along with me so I can ask the band to play an Argentine tango. Lucky for me, they know how.
At first, I’m self-conscious. I notice the way everyone notices us. I notice them studying our dance moves. After a while, I don’t notice anything but X.
Eight months from now, X will be playing guitar at home in Lake Elizabeth. He’ll feel a pain in his chest. Afterward, doctors will determine that he had a bad valve in his heart and that he’d had it since birth.
By then, we’ll have written an entire album together.
We’ll have danced for hours and hours.
We’ll have made love.
He’ll have taught me how to play guitar and to love music as much as he does.
He’ll have told me that he loves me every single day.
Some days I’ll know that I’ll be okay. Some days I won’t know that at all.
One thing I’ll know for sure: love can last forever.
Now, he spins me around. My arm travels down the length of his. Our fingertips brush and it feels like I’m going to slip away from him.
But I don’t.
At the last second I curl my fingers and our hands catch.
And then I do the thing you’re supposed to do when you find love.
I hold on.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
A few disclaimers before I begin: I’m sorry to say there’s no such thing as Taco Night in Los Angeles. There very definitely should be, but, alas. As is my right as a writer of fiction, I also took some liberties with the structure of ballroom dance competitions. Also, Barrington, New York, is not a real place. Neither is La Brea Dance. Surf City Waffle does not exist, but it’s based (loosely) on my favorite waffle place in all of Los Angeles, called Met Her at a Bar. It’s delicious and you should go there. If you do, say hi to Vinny and Mindy and tell them that Nicola sent you.