I Was Born for This(88)

‘A chance … with me?’ I repeat back to him.

He continues on like I’ve said nothing. ‘I’d liked you for years but the fans don’t give a shit; they can’t see anything – they just keep going on about Jowan. And then, that night, after one of our house parties, I saw you two lying there in bed looking like … I dunno … a … a married couple or something …’ A tear rolls down his face. Or maybe it’s just the rain. In the quietest voice he says, ‘I’d never felt so fucking miserable and alone.’

I sit still, saying nothing.

He laughs, throwing his arms up into the air. ‘So I did what I always do! Turned it into a joke. I got drunk and took a photo and texted a couple of friends like “LOL! Look at this! Don’t Jimmy and Ro look like an eighty-year-old couple!!” And obviously one of those idiots leaked it eventually. But it’s all my fault, Jimmy.’ He turns to me. ‘I’m so sorry. God, I’m so sorry.’

This isn’t his fault. This is my fault.

This is my fault for being so blind.

‘Jimmy,’ he says, ‘please don’t hate me.’

‘I don’t hate you,’ I say. ‘I hate myself.’ The truth of it overwhelms me suddenly, and I scrunch my hands into fists and cover my eyes. ‘I hate myself so much. God. I don’t deserve to be alive.’

Lister’s eyes widen.

‘I need to be alone,’ I say. I stand up and start walking back to the house. Lister calls after me, but I don’t want to listen to him, to any of this, any more.





By early evening, the shouting has started again. Juliet has given up on her attempts to get me to go back with her, but similarly refuses to leave me alone with The Ark, so is sitting in the kitchen with Piero listening to the radio.

Bliss has set up camp at the kitchen table with a book she plucked from Piero’s study. She called for a taxi a few hours ago, only to be informed that the only road leading into the village has been shut due to flooding and won’t be reopened for a few hours.

Which means she’s stuck here, we all are, until further notice.

I’m sitting alone in the study now, curled up on my airbed. I keep looking at my phone, as if expecting someone to message me, but no one does. I’m thankful Mum and Dad still don’t know I’m here. They’d be out of their minds with worry.

No one’s found Jimmy’s knife yet.

Piero comes into the room a little while later and asks if I want a cup of tea. I say I do, and stand up and leave the room with him.

‘You haven’t seen Lister, have you?’ he asks as we walk through the house.

‘No?’

‘Hmm.’ He doesn’t say any more.

Jimmy and Rowan are still shouting at each other in the living room.

‘Boys, you could get some sleep, you know,’ says Piero gently.

‘I won’t be able to sleep when I know someone could stab me at literally any moment,’ says Rowan, glaring pointedly at me as I walk past the living room doorway.

‘All right,’ Piero says. ‘Let me know if you need any more tea.’

‘Where’s Lister?’ a voice mumbles. I open my eyes. It’s Jimmy. I’ve been dozing on the kitchen table, my head in my arms. The radio is still on, crackly voices whispering in the background.

‘Haven’t seen him,’ says Bliss, who is already halfway through the book she selected, Tess of the d’Urbervilles.

Me and Juliet shake our heads.

‘He’s not in the house,’ says Jimmy, scratching the side of his neck. He looks like he needs to sleep for four years.

‘Did he go out for a smoke?’ asks Bliss.

‘I’ll go and look.’

Piero gets up and rummages in a drawer. ‘Take a torch, lad. The sun’ll be setting soon.’

‘I’ll come with you,’ says Bliss, standing up.

‘Me too,’ I say.

‘Me too, then,’ says Juliet.

Piero sighs. ‘All right, nobody panic. Just be careful. There’s a lot of flooding just outside the village.’

As we leave the room, Rowan emerges from the lounge. He looks exhausted.

‘Where are you going now?’ he asks, his voice a little hoarse.

‘Lister’s not in the house,’ says Jimmy.

We walk all the way round the back garden, and then all the way through the front garden. Rowan jogs up and down the street, even checking the pub, but it has closed early due to the weather.

Lister has disappeared.

We reconvene back inside the house, everyone cramming themselves into the hallway. Jimmy calls Lister’s phone, but we hear it ringing from the living room.

Jimmy crouches down, puts both hands on the side of his head and starts muttering, ‘He’s gone. He’s gone.’

‘I’m sure he just went for a walk to clear his head,’ says Bliss, but there’s no confidence in her voice at all. ‘You know what he’s like. He’s reckless. He does what he wants.’

‘But he’s not stupid,’ snaps Rowan.

Bliss holds up both hands. ‘All right. Just trying to stay calm and not descend into hysteria. Jimmy.’ She nudges Jimmy with her foot. ‘Jimmy. Stand up, mate.’

‘He can’t have gone far, can he?’ asks Juliet. ‘How long’s he been gone?’