I Was Born for This(84)

‘How can any reasonable person just drink milk on its own?’ I ask, horrified.

‘God, I know, right?’ says Juliet. ‘It’s practically masochistic.’

We both laugh, and then fall into silence for a moment before we both try to speak at the same time.

‘I—’ I say.

‘We—’ she says.

‘No, you first,’ I say.

‘No, no, you go,’ she says.

I sigh. ‘I’m … sorry. For being a dick all week. You wanted to hang out with me and get to know me but … all I cared about was The Ark.’ I pause. ‘And … Mac told me what’s been happening with your parents. That they kicked you out.’

Her eyes widen. ‘He told you about that?’

‘I’m so, so sorry for not … I don’t know. For not noticing, or giving you the chance to talk to me about it. I just wouldn’t shut up about The Ark all week and … going on about my parents being shitty when yours are like actual pure evil …’ I shake my head and look down. The weight of all the awful things I’ve done is crashing over me again. ‘I’ve been the absolute worst friend.’

Juliet bites her lip. ‘Well … I’m sorry for inviting Mac in the first place. This was supposed to be our week, but I was excited about maybe having a boyfriend, and I just … I prioritised him over you.’

Wait, she’s sorry? But this was my fault, wasn’t it?

‘You’re my special internet friend, Angel,’ she says, smiling weakly. ‘You know more about me than anyone. I feel like I can at least … at least try to be myself around you. Even if I can’t do it that well at first. And I always enjoy talking to you. And you actually listen to the things I say.’ It all comes out in a rush of compliments that I’m not ready for. I nearly choke on the ice in my drink. ‘And I really wanted to tell you about the stuff with my parents, but … there just never seemed to be a good moment. And you did just wanna talk about The Ark all the time, which is fine, because, like, I was excited too, but I also … I don’t know. It’s harder to tell people stuff like that in real life.’

I stare at her.

‘You’re my special internet friend too,’ I say.

She laughs, patting her hair down embarrassedly. ‘Good!’

‘And you can tell me about serious stuff like that. I promise. You can just tell me to shut up about The Ark any time. I won’t be offended.’

We both laugh, before falling back into silence again. Juliet starts playing with her straw.

‘Meeting The Ark has changed me,’ I say.

She looks up and frowns. ‘What d’you mean?’

‘They …’ How can I explain. How do I explain to anyone, ever. ‘They were my sole purpose for being alive. They felt like the reason I was born was to … love them.’ I shake my head. ‘But I can’t properly love something I don’t know. And I don’t know them. I don’t know them at all.’

Juliet rests her chin on one hand.

‘I’ve been feeling that too,’ she says. ‘I mean, not in the same way, I guess. I’ve been feeling it for a while.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah. Sometimes whole days go by where I don’t check @ArkUpdates. Sometimes I resent them for making me care so much.’ She shrugs. ‘Sometimes I just get this craving … to break away and have my own life and care about other stuff more. That’s why I got so attached to the idea of a relationship with Mac, actually.’ She sighs. ‘We talk about other stuff. I felt a bit more like I was my own person for once. I ended up not liking him that much, to be honest, but when I talked to him and hung out with him, I felt good because I didn’t need to think about The Ark to … to cope with other stuff.’

I nod. ‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I get that.’

She smiles. ‘We should just care about ourselves more.’

I smile too. ‘That’s a deal, my guy.’

Bliss returns with another full glass of milk and says, ‘I’m shitting you not, the bartender full-on cackled at me when I ordered this.’ And the three of us laugh. And I imagine this must be what it’s like to have real friends.





It’s mid-afternoon by the time Rowan declares that he wants to sit down and talk to me and Lister about the band again. Bliss, Angel and her friend Juliet (who, by the way, seems refreshingly calm) have returned from their trip to the pub, where they were gone for over an hour. Grandad’s listening to an audiobook in the kitchen while doing something on his laptop.

The three of us go to my bedroom. We’re too old and too sad to be in here. Feels like we’re doing our past selves wrong – the three kids who used to jam on secondhand instruments in here, scribbling down lyrics into the back of school exercise books.

Lister and I sit on my bed, Rowan sits on my desk chair.

He takes a deep breath and asks, ‘Why do you want to leave The Ark?’

All my thoughts come out, tangled up with each other, not making any sense. ‘It’s all a big lie. It’s all fake; the magic of fame isn’t real any more. I don’t enjoy anything. I feel like I’m lying every single day. I can’t even do things I want. I don’t feel safe in my own apartment and I can’t leave it either. I’ve been feeling this for so long but after that Jowan photo this week, I’ve just … I’m just … I’m going insane.’ My voice gradually gets louder as I speak. ‘I’m just … I’m just going insane.’