Haunted(5)

“Why what?”

“Why are you coming back here? You live in Los Angeles.” I knew I sounded like a bitch, but I couldn’t control it. I wanted a fight. I was angry! I was livid! If it wasn’t Roman, it could easily have been the wall. But I wanted to fight with someone because when it came down to it, I wasn’t allowed to fight Jason.

“Beth, I would come back here because you live in Tennessee. That’s why.” He sounded confused, hurt even.

“Don’t come back,” I told him in a hateful voice and then looked back toward the window.

“What? You can’t possibly mean that. We love each other.” He sounded scared.

“Roman…love has nothing to do with it.”

“Love has everything to do with it!”

“Don’t you get it? I’m broken.” I turned and looked at him.

“No, you’re not.”

“How do you know? You’ve been with me for what, five minutes and you know how I f*cking feel? Listen carefully! Jason. Broke. Me!”

“Beth, you are stronger than this. You aren’t a f*cking doll that gets broken.”

“Am I stronger than this?” I knew I was being a bitch.

“Beth, right now, I know it’s hard, but don’t throw us away.”

“Don’t you f*cking get it? I am broken. Doll or not. The things he did to me…” I looked away.

Roman’s eyes were watering up.

“You and I can survive this. As long as we are together, we can survive this.” He was pleading. “Don’t shut me out. I know I am new at this relationship thing, but I will learn.”

I looked at him directly.

“Roman…he raped me over and over! He told me if I screamed, he would kill you. He starved me. He broke my ribs. He told me every time he entered me that if I didn’t pretend to like it, he would make you watch. He choked me because he couldn’t get off unless he was hurting me. Hell, he even sodomized me…”

“Oh God.” He leaned back into the chair and pulled his hair. I could tell he didn’t know how to process what I was saying. I wasn’t being fair to him, but I was numb.

“Why would you want me? I am dirty and ruined. I have nothing to offer you.” I looked away from him. It was too painful to watch the train wreck that I was creating.

“Baby, I want you because I love you.” I turned back to him.

“Do yourself a favor. Don’t love me—it will only destroy you.”

He jumped out of the chair and pointed directly at me. “Don’t you f*cking say that!” He was getting pissed to the point that he was shaking.

“What, the truth? You know it’s true. If you stay with me, you will only grow to resent me. I can’t be the woman you met in the basement. Not after what he did to me. Go back to screwing young groupies. Deep down I know it’s what you want to do.”

“Fuck you, Beth! How dare you act like you know what I want?” he growled.

“You don’t even know what love is! That’s what you told me,” I flung back.

“Well…you told me how to know if I was in love. You said, ‘If I couldn’t see my life without that person, I would know!’ When Jason took you, I knew I couldn’t live without you. I f*cking knew!” He clenched his fists in anger.

“Roman, you probably would have fallen in love with whomever you were locked up with. You just never gave anybody a chance.” The fight was leaving me. I was destroying him and I couldn’t stop it. Better he leave now than in a month.

“I was locked up with you, nobody else but you. Whether God had a hand in it or it was fate, it was you,” he yelled.

“Roman…you need to leave. Go on tour. Live your life. Be glad you can walk away and not be affected by all this,” I told him.

“Not be affected…are you f*cking kidding me! I f*cking fell in love with you Beth. How the hell does that not affect me? Huh?” He sounded livid.

I didn’t want to hurt him. I really didn’t, but I had to make this final. I needed him to be free of me. I couldn’t handle what I was going through. On top of that, I had to pretend to be strong for Joey. After all, he was the only person who made me want to live right now. How would that be fair to Roman? After a week with me like this, there was no doubt in my mind that he would leave me. I knew how it felt being around a depressed person. I’d grown up with it; it made me resent the person who was depressed because I didn’t understand what was wrong with him or her.

“You’re not good for me right now. You only remind me of what he did to me.” It wasn’t true. Not in the least, but I knew that those words would convince him.

He looked at me in shock. I saw the hurt in his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I just…I can’t be with you right now.” I didn’t meet his gaze. I couldn’t. I was lying to him and I needed him so bad.

“Fine.” He looked at the door. “This is what I get for opening myself up to someone.”

“Roman…” I started.

“It’s funny, you always said I would leave you but no…you’re leaving me.” He still didn’t look at me, but I saw one lone tear fall from his eye. He went to the door and paused for a moment as though he wanted to turn back around. Instead, he leaned his head on the door. “Beth, I love you and you just broke my f*cking heart.” Then he walked out.