Haunted(4)

“What was your horse’s name?”

“Angel. She was a beautiful chestnut Racking Horse with a star between her big beautiful eyes. She was at least sixteen and a half hands tall, and my father always had to find a dip in the land to put her so my boot could reach the stirrup.” I paused. “We were glorious together. Angel had a certain amount of intelligence to her, if I would just let her go where she wanted, she would never steer me wrong. Angel made me look like I knew what I was doing. It was like we had this deal. She would let everyone think I was in control, but we both knew it was her.”

“What made you think of her today?”

I could tell that Roman was a little troubled by this conversation. He probably wasn’t expecting to be in here talking about horses.

“The rain…there was this one day when the clouds were threatening a possible thunderstorm, so I asked my dad if we could go riding. We tacked up our horses as fast as we could. Angel was excited, frisky, like me. She wanted to run and I wanted to fly, so we went to the meadow near our house and I looked at my dad and said, ‘Daddy can we run?’ He smiled and dismounted and he said go for it.”

“I’m confused. Didn’t you always run with a horse?”

I could tell he was trying to keep up with my line of thought.

Good luck, buddy.

“No, not if you were responsible. My dad was always worried I would ruin Angel’s gate. Racking Horses were known for their smooth ride. To gallop her would be irresponsible.”

“Oh…”

“Angel and I took off. We ran and ran. The wind was whipping through my hair and I had never felt so alive. It was possibly one of the best top ten things I ever did in my life. When the lightning shot down through the sky, Dad motioned for me to come back in. Angel and I ran back to him at full speed and then came to a sliding stop right beside him. He said, ‘Beth, you two looked beautiful!’ My dad never was one to compliment me. He actually died hating me, but on that day we were beautiful to him. Here was this complex man who could give his love so easily and then, in turn, take it away with a blink of an eye.

“Angel was getting restless and I started to dismount and that was when I saw it. There was this huge hole in the ground one step in front of Angel. If we had gone one more step the odds were that my horse would have stepped into that hole. With the speed we were running only one thing would have happened. We both would have fallen and Angel would have broken her leg. Normally, when a horse breaks its leg, it has to be put down. It was dangerous, what I did. I knew after that moment we would never run free again....”

The words hung in the air for a couple of minutes.

“But, you two weren’t hurt,” Roman whispered.

I shrugged. “Sometimes we want to run free but we can’t.”

“Beth…?”

“Why are you still here at the hospital? Did they check you over?” I changed the subject. Nothing was really wrong with Roman, but I was sure the doctors had already looked him over.

“Yeah, they just did an exam on me. Apparently, the food Andrew left me kept me alive.” He gave a tight smile.

“I’m glad you don’t have to stay in here any longer than that.” I showed him my arm with the tubes running in and out.

“Why does this feel so awkward?” he asked.

“Probably because of the big blue elephant in the room.” I pointed to my electric blue hair.

He paused but finally asked, “How are you?”

Really…? How could he ask me that?

“Well, let me see…I am dehydrated because Jason never fed me.”

“What?” He sounded furious.

“He would give me water here and there, but he needed me thinner to fit into those…dresses.” I paused. “They did a rape kit on me and then the nurses helped me wash up. Too bad they couldn’t get the blue out of my hair before my kid asked, ‘What happened to your hair Mommy?’” I rolled my eyes.

“Beth…”

“And the best part about the whole f*cking nightmare was that creepy ass Jason was a virgin so the odds of me having HIV are small…” I laughed hysterically. I couldn’t cry anymore. Not right now. I was all cried out, and the pain medicine they were giving me helped me feel indifferent.

“I am so sorry for what happened to you. Every day I sat in that cell alone praying that you were still alive.”

I looked back at the rain. I wanted to be left to my pain.

“You should have prayed for my death.”

He gasped. “So you did try to kill yourself on purpose?” He waited.

I didn’t know the answer. I barely remembered doing it. I didn’t mean to do it, but on some level, I thought I did want to die.

“When do you go back on tour?” I had to change the subject again.

“I have to leave tomorrow. First concert is in two days. Berg came by to see how I was. He wanted to meet you, but I told him another time. Anyway, according to our contract now that I am back in commission, we have to finish out the tour. We aren’t liable for the concerts that I missed, which is good. It’s some kind of insurance the record label has with the venues, in cases of death or sickness. We only have ten more shows that we have to do, and then I will come back here.”

“Why?” I turned to face him.