Hani and Ishu's Guide to Fake Dating(67)
“My point, dear sister, is that we all have people who we bend ourselves for the approval of. For you and me, it’s Ammu and Abbu. For Hani, it’s her friends. We all need to fit in, or need to be loved, or need approval. You and Hani aren’t that different, if you think about it.”
Nik is wrong. I know she is. I’m not bending myself or being someone I’m not because of Ammu or Abbu. They’ve never asked me to be what I’m not, have they? They didn’t ask me to be Head Girl, but … would I have tried to be Head Girl if I didn’t think it would get me their approval?
The noodles suddenly taste like cardboard in my mouth. I gulp down the mouthful I was chewing and push the rest of it away.
“Anyway, I know you were more than just ‘fake dating’ Hani,” Nik says matter-of-factly.
“I was not.” I cross my arms over my chest, but I guess my defensiveness is not convincing because Nik smiles.
“You obviously care about her,” she presses.
I shake my head, because yeah, maybe I do. But I don’t want to. If all of this has proved anything, it’s that Hani and I aren’t a good fit. That I should have never given weight to my feelings. Maybe then, all of this wouldn’t hurt so bad.
“Can we move on and talk for a second about you and this wedding? Are Ammu and Abbu really not going to come?”
Nik sighs, and pushes away the rest of her pad thai too. Like this conversation has immediately made her lose her appetite. “Look … I told them that … I’m not going back to university. That was the last straw for them, I guess. They said they were never going to come to my wedding if Rakesh and I were veering my life off course.” She shrugs like the whole thing is no big deal, but I can see her hands shaking underneath the table. I reach forward and take her hands in mine.
“Why aren’t you going back to university? Is it … are you …”
“Ishu … I never told you this, but … I never wanted to study medicine. Or … maybe I did. I don’t know.” Nik shakes her head. “The thing is, I was so caught up in what Ammu and Abbu wanted that I never spent a second thinking about what I wanted. They convinced me that studying medicine and going to UCL would be the best thing I could ever do with my life. I wanted to make them proud, and I was so used to competing. With you, with other students at school. So I just went along with it, and it was only when I got there, when I was in university, that I realized I hated it all. That I hated everything that we had been doing, really.”
She heaves a sigh and gives my hands a squeeze. I think it’s to give herself strength more than anything else. “My first year at university was awful. I was doing terribly in all of my classes and after competing and winning my entire life it was like … everything was upside down. And I was so determined to succeed in something that I didn’t even like or want that I became depressed, I stopped eating, stopped … taking care of myself, mentally and physically. Thank God I met Rakesh.”
“He helped?”
She nods. “So much. I mean, at first we were just friends, and he helped me study and get back on track. His older sister is a doctor so she helped me out a lot. I passed my exams … barely. I didn’t come back to visit because I was so afraid of disappointing Abbu and Ammu … which is awful, you know? I wanted to see them, I wanted to see you. I wanted to come back home, sleep in my bed, but I was paralyzed with fear about what Ammu and Abbu would say if I showed up with my barely passing grades. So I just stayed in London. Rakesh and I started dating and the more time that went by the more I realized just how much I didn’t want to do this anymore. At first, I thought I would take a year off from university. That was when I came here and I … used Rakesh and our engagement as an excuse when I shouldn’t have. He has nothing to do with it. He was just an excuse I was using to deal with Abbu and Ammu’s disappointment.”
“So … what do you want to do then?” I ask.
Nik sighs. “You know, I’m not really sure. I think what I want is a little bit of time just to figure that out. It’s like … ever since I decided to drop out … a cloud has parted over my head and I’m finally coming to terms with who I am. It feels like when you get out of a bad relationship and you have to learn about who you are all by yourself, you know?”
“No, but … I guess?” I say.
Nik smiles. “Right. I guess Hani was your first relationship.”
“First fake relationship …” I try not to think too much about the was, and the fact that so much of it felt real.
“You know you can still fix things with her.” Nik tilts her head to the side as she observes me. “It’s not too late.”
I shrug. “It doesn’t matter. I just want to focus on getting back on track. I can’t let everything I’ve worked for fall apart because of Hani and her shitty best friend.”
Nik sighs. “So … I wanted to talk to you about that. The whole doctor thing … that’s really something you want to do?”
“Well. Yeah.” I blink up at her. I guess I never thought of anything else I could do, but it’s definitely what motivates me.
“Because … if it’s just Ammu and Abbu pushing you, there’s still time for you to reconsider. I’d help you out, no matter what happened. I hope you know that. I’m only an hour’s flight away.”