For Real(13)
I smile back and make myself a promise: no matter what my sister thinks, I am not finished with Will Divine.
SAMPLE QUESTIONS FROM OUR
AROUND THE WORLD
APPLICATIONS
What is your greatest fear?
MIRANDA: Never becoming a successful writer
ME: Cockroaches
Name three (3) things you love.
MIRANDA: Books, traveling, and my friends/family
ME: Trivia, television, and my sister
Name three (3) things you hate.
MIRANDA: Cheating, my ex-boyfriend, and the other woman
ME: Genocide, dancing in public, and cockroaches
What are you best at?
MIRANDA: Writing
ME: Pop culture trivia
What are you worst at?
MIRANDA: Pop culture trivia
ME: Schmoozing with strangers
Name three (3) adjectives that best describe you.
MIRANDA: Creative, adventurous, outgoing
ME: Intelligent, logical, motivated
Name three (3) adjectives that best describe your partner.
MIRANDA: Shy, smart, loyal
ME: Charismatic, strong, talented
Describe your relationship with your partner.
MIRANDA: Excellent
ME: Excellent
Name something that drives you crazy about your partner.
MIRANDA: She acts like I’m an idiot for not knowing anything about pop culture.
ME: She knows nothing about pop culture. It’s embarrassing.
Is there anything you will not do under any circumstances? Please explain.
MIRANDA: Eat bugs. Get pregnant. Undergo plastic surgery. None of that requires an explanation, I hope.
ME: Anything that involves cockroaches. Because they are disgusting.
Why do you want to be on this show (besides the million-dollar prize)?
MIRANDA: I spent the last year dating a self-involved, cheating * who wants to be famous. He’s on your show. I’m here to keep him from succeeding.
ME: I’m here to support my sister. Letting her loose in the world of reality TV on her own would be like tossing a baby into a swimming pool without water wings.
Three hours later, someone finally calls our number, and Miranda and I struggle to our feet. The production assistant who takes our applications has so much product in his hair that his head is probably a fire hazard, and I have a strong urge to poke at the sculpted curl on his forehead to see if it snaps off. On one side of the private room are a couple of empty folding chairs, and facing them is a small camera flanked by two casting directors. The woman is wearing a leopard-print blouse and shoes, and her arm is tattooed with a formation of flying birds. The guy has one of those incredibly annoying pencil-thin beards. Seriously, just have a beard or don’t.
“Hi,” says the woman. “I’m Charlotte, and this is Jim. We’re in charge of Around the World casting for the Northeast region.” They each extend a hand, and I wonder if this is some kind of test—which hand am I supposed to shake first? My Internet research on auditions said to go straight for the highest-ranked person, but I can’t tell which one that is. While I’m debating what to do, Miranda gives the woman’s hand a firm shake, then approaches the man. I follow her lead, and then I’m immediately furious with myself. I’m supposed to be the one leading today.
“It’s so nice to meet you,” Miranda says, her voice totally calm and confident, like she’s done this a hundred times. “I’m Miranda Henderson.”
“And I’m Claire,” I say. “Henderson. I mean, obviously. ’Cause we’re sisters.” I sound so stupid that I want to slap myself in the face.
Charlotte looks less than thrilled by us. “Great. Why don’t you have a seat, and we’ll get started.”
We sit, and I stare into the steady red light of the camera. Oh God, it’s been on this entire time, which means my awkward introduction has been immortalized for posterity. I smile into the lens, as if that’ll somehow undo the damage.
Charlotte flips through our applications. “Miranda and Claire,” she says. “Why don’t you tell us a little bit about why you want to be on our show.”
For a second, Miranda doesn’t say anything, and before I know it, I’m babbling. “Well, Miranda just graduated from Middlebury, up in Vermont, and the other night we were at this graduation party, and her boyfriend—who was a total fame whore, by the way—well, Miranda couldn’t find him, and …”
It’s like I’m having an out-of-body experience—half of me is spewing verbal garbage, and the other half is hovering six feet in the air, dying of embarrassment. Last night, I’d made a huge deal to Miranda about keeping our answers succinct in order to make the most of our time with the casting directors. And here I am, not even a minute into our audition, making their eyes glaze over.
Fortunately, Miranda cuts me off. “We’re here for revenge,” she says. Short and sweet; a perfect little sound bite. Maybe she was listening to my instructions after all.
The producers perk right back up. “Revenge?” Charlotte says, making a note on her legal pad. “Revenge on whom, exactly?”
“My cheating ex-boyfriend. Three days ago, I found him in bed with another girl right before we were supposed to move in together.”
“Ouch,” Jim says appreciatively.