Don't Kiss the Messenger (Edgelake High School, #1)(47)

“The truth is, when I’m with you…all the thoughts go out of my head. I’m insecure. And what?”

“What do you mean, what?” I asked.

“And stupid. I’m stupid.”

I heard her mumble, “Why am I saying I’m stupid?”

“What?” I asked. I leaned forward. There was a rush of traffic on the street behind my house. A light must have turned green. Someone needed a new muffler.

“When you really look at me,” she continued, “when you really see me? I want to hide. I want to run away…”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because I’m scared.”

I stopped strumming and scooted my stool back against the wood porch. I stood up. It was the moment of truth.

“What are you scared of?” I asked.

A whisper came down from the ground. It sounded like my thoughts.

Bryn turned to me and shouted, “I’m scared of robots, Emmett. Robots!”

“What?” I asked.

“I’m scared of thoughts!” Bryn said again. “Thoughts. I have too much to lose,” she cried out.

I folded my arms over my chest. “So, why can you suddenly talk about this now?” I asked.

Bryn backed away toward the side of the house. I heard an audible “Oof!” like she fell over.

“Bryn?” I asked. I moved closer to the edge of the railing. “What’s wrong with you?” What the hell was she doing?

A few seconds later, Bryn moved to the stoop directly below the balcony. A gray sweatshirt hood concealed her hair and face. The leaves concealed the rest. She cleared her throat.

“I’m fine. I was stammering because…because honest words are harder to say. They carry too much weight.”

“You sound weird,” I said. It was like her voice turned an octave lower. I tried to see through the leaves, but it was impossible to see her face, just the sweatshirt and jeans. “Why are you hiding?”

“It’s easier to talk like this. I can’t do this while you’re looking at me.”

I smirked. “More of that eyes closed crap?” I said.

“I mean every word I’m saying to you right now,” she told me. Her voice was edged in confidence. Her words were more assertive than normal.

“All of a sudden you can talk, without stumbling over yourself?” I said.

“The dark makes me brave. Or maybe it’s knowing if I’m not honest I’ll lose my chance with you.”

I blew out a long sigh. “I just want you to be yourself around me,” I said. “That’s it. I feel like you’re always holding back.”

She opened up her arms, helplessly.

“I’ve just had some bad experiences,” she said. “I’ve felt devalued around a lot of guys, no more than the sum of my parts. As if no one can ever see beyond what I look like. It’s made me skeptical of relationships. I assume men are shallow and would never want me for what’s inside. Underneath the…surface. I keep that part of me unavailable. I’m sorry. This is how I’ve been for a long time. I can’t just change over one date.”

I shook my head with disbelief. “Bryn, what kind of people were you dating for God’s sake?”

“I just need you to understand. I’ve never had anything deep with anyone. I never dreamed I would meet someone who wanted my mind and heart the way you do.”

Her voice was starting to shake like she was holding back tears. It was like she was opening up the pages of her heart and reading out loud. This was the Bryn I wanted. The anger in my chest started to dissolve.

She took a steadying breath.

“You really see me,” she said. “More than just…my face. I think you’re the first one since…since forever. Right now that’s too much for me. I try to say things right. I try to think of the right words, but I can’t think when I’m so exposed. I need to hide behind a laptop screen or a phone. Inside I’m a wreck. I’m this vulnerable mess trapped inside a tough shell. I want to break it down, but I need time.”

“You think you’re too messed up to make this work?” I asked. Her answer dangled in the darkness between us. Suddenly, I wanted to try.

“If I fall in love with you it won’t be in a normal way.” She laughed but it came out as more of a cry. “It won’t be pretty. It’s going to be awkward and uneven and a little backwards. I can’t do normal. I haven’t had a normal experience. But I can’t leave it like this. I can’t lose the best thing I’ve ever discovered.”

It started to rain. She stood beneath the portico, without pride, rain splashing at her feet. I waited in the balance of her words and I could feel my heart sway toward her. She won.

“What do you want to do now?” I asked. All the anger in my voice had faded away.

“Make out with you!” she screamed. Her voice was higher now. It sounded shrill. I wrapped my fingers around the balcony railing.

“Come up here,” I said.

My words floated down out of the darkness and rain.

…

CECE

His words hit me through the cold rain. I stood below his porch, wearing Bryn’s gray sweatshirt, the hood pulled up over my face and hair.

“What?” I stammered.