Don't Kiss the Messenger (Edgelake High School, #1)(50)

She smiled and nodded.

“I mean, you’re her best friend,” I said.

She looked back at me. Her forehead was creased with confusion. “Whose best friend?”

Now I was the one who was confused. “Bryn’s.” Wasn’t it obvious? “Who did you think I was talking about?”

…

CECE

Reality set in as hard as a cold, driving rain.

I couldn’t believe I thought he was talking about me. This whole time, I thought he was admitting his feelings. To me. I thought that somehow he pieced it all together.

My throat began to constrict. I didn’t know whether to swallow or take a breath so I did both. What came out was a horrible noise.

“Jesus, CeCe, are you okay?” He reached over and gave my back a thwop. Rough, friendly, one of the guys. No gentle back rubs for me. He would never touch Bryn that way.

I don’t know how I managed to collect myself through the gut-deep pain. I took a breath. It hurt. I took another breath, a shallow one. This was a new pain. I’d dealt with pain before, and here was a brand new one. I could chalk it up as one more character building experience. At this rate, I’d need to grow another six inches to accommodate all my character.

Emmett kept talking. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Maybe you make her nervous,” I said.

“Come on. Have you looked at her? How can anyone make her nervous?”

Have you looked at yourself, I wanted to say.

“Why are you telling me all this?” I asked.

“I already told you. Bryn talks about you like you’re best friends.”

“I really don’t know her that well.”

He called my bluff. “You’re on her team.”

He was right. There was no privacy in a locker room. We knew everyone’s dating status. We knew each other’s hometowns, were on first-name terms with each other’s parents. We knew each other’s allergies, sleep disorders, and who had lost their virginity.

I knew her mom called her “Brynnie.” I knew she couldn’t stand all the hipster boys on campus in their trilby hats and skinny jeans. I knew she was single.

“What does she want?” he asked. “A weekend hook-up friend? Is that it?”

I had to stop. I was losing my guts all over this man. “No!”

“Not that I’d mind, it just seems like there’s something even better happening here, and I don’t want to mess it up. The signals are so mixed.”

I stood up and grabbed my backpack off the bench. I looked back at Emmett. I could write circles around Bryn but words would never trump beauty. And words were all I had to work with.

“Here’s the thing,” I said. “She’s never dated anyone like you. You actually respect her. You want to talk to her. It’s like gravity suddenly pushing down too hard. You’re like a comet or a meteor in her head, messing with her atmosphere. That’s why she’s overwhelmed around you.”

He watched me while I talked and his expression turned from thoughtful to surprised. Instead of connecting my words together, it looked like I was making him even more confused.

“Sorry, I tend to talk in science metaphors,” I said.

He nodded slowly. “It’s okay,” he said.

I pressed my lips together to fight back a sigh. It hit me what Bryn and I had done. What I had done. I’d made a mess. He didn’t want me. He was just confused. I felt a sudden, irrational surge of anger. Well, he deserved it. That’s what he got for being shallow enough to date a girl based on her looks. As quickly as it had come, the anger subsided. He wasn’t shallow. He never would have pursued Bryn beyond the first date if we hadn’t deceived him.

I threw my bag over my shoulder. Emmett stood up next to me and we walked down the sidewalk.

I could end it all right now, all the games, all the deceits. I could come clean.

“Emmett, I—”

I stalled on the sidewalk as if my feet were suddenly welded into the concrete. Emmett looked over at me.

“What is it?” he said.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

I stared into his eyes.

“Is it just her face? Is that why you’re falling for her?”

He thought about this. “At first, yeah. She’s beautiful. But the more I get to know her, it’s like I don’t even see her face anymore. It’s something else.”

I couldn’t look away. “I need to tell you something,” I said. My words faltered. I reached for them, standing on the edge of my toes, flailing for a strong grasp before they slipped away.

“What?” he asked. His gray eyes searched mine. I felt like I was suddenly standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at the ground. Leaning. Hesitating. Second-guessing. Focusing too much on how I could get hurt.

I took a deep breath. I couldn’t take the jump. I was still clinging to the side. It was a dangerous place to wait. We dangle precariously when we hang in the arms of doubt. I pulled myself back to safe land.

“You’re right. Bryn’s all those things. Inside and out. She’s perfect for you,” I said. “You’re doing the right thing. Take it slow.”

Emmett nodded.

I made a point of looking at the time. “I need to study. I have a problem set to finish before five.” As if I could concentrate on school right now. I just needed an excuse to get Emmett out of my sight.