A Time for Hope (Lexi, #3)(2)
“Try me.” She raised her eyebrows and nodded.
“Honestly, I don’t want to talk to you.” I stood up, no longer able to remain in my seat as a surge of energy burst through me. “I only agreed because it’s what I’m ‘supposed’ to do. And you know what? What is pissing me off most of all right now? I don’t remember becoming a person who did what they were ‘supposed’ to do!” My feet paced agitatedly as the volume of my voice grew. “Hilarious right? That who I am now gives a shit. When the f*ck did that happen? When did I become someone who cared about what people thought?” I stopped pacing and dragged my hands through my hair. “When did opinion start to matter to me or shape my actions? You want to write that down?” I pointed to the fancy pen that now lay idly across her notepad. “The fact that while I should be telling you about my f*cked up dreams, my lack of appetite or that my husband hasn’t touched me in so long I’ve forgotten what it feels like, I’m raging against the fact that I’m no longer who I used to be and I have no f*cking idea how to get back there!” It was like the detonator had been flicked and I had no control over the fall out. As the words bubbled, the mix of anger, hurt, rejection, sadness and disgust twisted into a mutation of black emotion I couldn’t contain.
“I used to know who I was. Sure, I wasn’t perfect but I was me. Now I have no f*cking idea how to be me, or who I even am. I second-guess myself every minute, every action. I second-guess everyone else too. Everyone’s watching, gauging me and it’s suffocating. I hate it! I hate what I’ve become. I hate that I’m supposed to be healing right now, and that I’m not. Most of all I hate myself because part of me wishes he had killed me that night so that no one else, especially not Alex, has to deal with me and my f*cked up shit.”
Alex stood motionless in the doorway. I hadn’t heard him come in, though given my vocal eruption, he could have entered leading a marching band procession and I still wouldn’t have noticed. I wasn’t sure how much he’d had the displeasure of hearing but gauging by his reaction, it had been enough for him to know I’d snapped.
“Alex, could you give us a moment?” Sarah cautioned, her eyes darting between us. I couldn’t pull my eyes away from him. What the hell had come over me? How could I have said those things? I wasn’t sure if it was horror or hurt in Alex’s eyes, but whatever the emotion was, he wore it because I had put it there.
“No.” Alex moved into the room, his jaw tense.
“Alex, I really think that I need to talk to Lexi alone. I promise you she is in good hands.” Sarah insisted as she lifted herself from her chair.
“No.” Alex continued walking until he stood in front of me. “I’m not leaving.”
“Alex, you should go.” I pushed up out of my chair, my feet finding the floor. I wasn’t sure if I was protecting him or myself.
“I’m not leaving Lexi. I can’t walk away. I walked away once before, remember? Even though deep down it killed me. I only left back then because I didn’t know you loved me, so now that I do know, there is no chance of me walking out that door. None. So you see, leaving right now is not an option for me. I heard what you said but you don’t get to decide whether or not I take this on. That’s on me. That’s my choice.”
“Alex…” Alex gently placed his hand over my mouth before I continue my protest.
“Do you think I could just forget you if you were gone? That you haven’t irrevocably changed who I am and my life? Do you think that I could just replace you with someone else? Tell me. Tell me baby, how you would see that scenario playing out? How I could go on without you.” He gently moved his fingers from my lips and lightly grazed my cheek. His eyes were fierce with intent but not with anger. My heart was broken that he had to wear this pain, my pain.
“Baby, there is nowhere else for me other than here, with you. I burn for you Lexi, I want to tear myself apart for what he did to you, that I couldn’t prevent it and now that I can’t take away your hurt. There is a rage inside of me Lexi and I would do anything to go back in time, to stop this from happening. If there was something I could do right now to change it, there is no question, I would do it, no matter what the cost. But Baby, you don’t get to take away my choices; you can’t control how deeply I love you and whether or not I get to deal with your shit. That rests on me. And no matter how painful it is to deal with, it’s infinitely easier than losing you.” His intensity did not falter as he gazed into my eyes. “So you see, there is no choice to make and I’m going to do the one thing that no one has ever done for you. Not because I feel sorry for you or because I feel obligated, but because I refuse to give up on you, even if you have given up on yourself. I’m going to fight for you Lexi. I’m going to fight for you because you are worth fighting for and I will fight every second of every day until you come back to me, whole.”
“What if I can’t get there? What if this is all I’m ever going to be?” My voice was shallow. I was fractured and broken, so being whole seemed like a pipe dream to me.
He shook his head defiantly, “You have always been enough for me just as you are baby. I told you once before, there is nothing that could make me stop loving you. I need you Lexi, I need you in my life and I need to be in yours. This isn’t about fixing you, this is about you accepting that you aren’t alone anymore.” In his eyes I saw his fierce resolution, I knew that any doubts that remained were mine.