With This Heart(78)

He shifted his hands to push my hair away from my face, and then he left his hands on either side of my temples. He gently tilted my head back so that I had to look up at him.

“ Are you making a joke right now because you’re too chicken to tell me you love me in front of all these people?” he asked, his confident grin as smooth as honey.

I wanted to tell him. But I had things that were on the tip of my tongue and I couldn’t wait another moment to share them. “I want to be a writer. I got accepted into BU.”

His mouth dropped open. He scrunched his eyebrows together, a disbelieving smile halting his confidence. His head tilted to the side and he huffed out a breath, trying to catch up. “You’re staying in Boston? You’re staying here?” He pointed to the ground and I laughed at his amazement. But I guess that’s exactly how I felt as well.

“ I came for you.” I paused, sucking in a shaky breath. “I love you, Beck…I needed you to follow your dreams so that I could follow mine alongside you.”

He clenched his jaw and I could tell he was trying to keep it together. His hand trembled in my hair and I reached up to lace my fingers around his forearm.

“ I love you, too.”

And then, like always, he kissed me when I least expected. He bent forward and pressed his lips to mine. He stole my breath with a kiss that held everything we’d buried deep within us for so long. My arms wrapped around his neck, and his arms tightened around my back so that we were pressed together. We would have stayed there all day, wrapped up in each other, but I heard the students erupt with applause and cheers.

Beck pulled away from me laughing, then looked around us and lifted my hand into the air like I was a fighter who’d won a match. He fell forward into a little bow and everyone started cheering more. I was laughing and crying. My face was splotchy and I tried to fan away my emotions, though it was impossible.

“ Let’s get out of here,” Beck whispered in my ear, and I looked up into his eyes. The gravity of the situation hadn’t sunk in yet. It felt like a lucid dream. I had to know that he was real, that I wouldn’t wake up.

I looked over to find Sammy. “My roommate is here. She just got to Boston today so I don’t want to leave without her. ” She was standing off to the side of the field by herself, smiling at me, but obviously a little out of her element. I didn’t want to abandon her. There was something in her that spoke so close to my soul. Maybe we were both just shy vegetarians, but it felt like I should take care of her like Caroline would have taken care of me.

Beck followed my line of sight and nodded. “That’s okay. We can walk back with her to your dorm and then maybe go somewhere, just you and me?”

A shiver ran down my spine at the idea of being alone with him again.

He reached for my hand, but just before we left, I twisted around to look for the professor one last time. I’d lost track of him when I’d followed the arrows, but I felt like I owed him a thank you. Most of the crowd had dispersed by then, but I found him leaning against an oak tree a few yards away from the field.

I smiled and gave him a little wave. He bent his head in a small nod and turned in the opposite direction.





[page]CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE





“ So this is what you call home?” I asked, stepping past the threshold into his one bedroom studio apartment.

He ran a hand through his unruly hair and nodded. The space was intimate with just the right mix of Beck’s eclectic taste. A vintage Texas flag hung above a painted brick fireplace. It reminded me of the flag that was in that teepee in Marfa. I glanced over my shoulder and pointed to it. Beck nodded and stuffed his hands into his back pockets, but didn’t offer any explanation. I wondered if he got it after our trip.

His apartment wasn’t spotless, he was in college after all, but his bed was made and there weren’t any dishes in the sink, so he got a few points for that.

“ Does it pass inspection?” he asked, stepping up behind me to wrap his arms around my waist.

My eyes fluttered closed and my head fell back against his chest. I murmured some sort of “yes” and didn’t care to elaborate.

“ I can’t believe you’re really here,” he spoke, spinning me around to face him. Having Sammy with us until a few minutes ago had provided us with a buffer. We couldn’t attack each other when she was there, but now? Now, all bets were off.

“ Have you slept with anyone else? Dated anyone else?” Beck asked quietly.

What a strange concept. As if anyone other than Beck could have occupied my thoughts for the past year. There was no room for anyone else.

“ No,” I shook my head.

I heard him sigh, but now I was curious. “Have you?” I asked.

I told myself that if he had, it would be okay. I wouldn’t let it be our Ross and Rachel moment. We weren’t together and I’d deal with the jealousy later.

“ I almost did,” he answered. “It was right when I got back to Boston and I was so pissed off at you for pushing me away. I went to a party and got drunk. I made out with a girl and we went upstairs—”

“ Stop,” I said, pressing my hands to his chest. “I don’t need the details if you guys didn’t have sex. God, I was so scared you would have a girlfriend. When I posted those flyers yesterday, all I could think about was how I would deal with the outcome if you had a girlfriend you were in love with.”