With This Heart(75)

Suddenly a knock on my dorm’s door rattled me from my thoughts and I looked up just in time to see the door pop open. I held my breath as a girl with long brown hair and a slew of freckles walked into the room, rolling a suitcase behind her. Her eyes scanned from the empty bed, to our desks against the windows, and then down to the floor where I was sitting with my legs pulled up to my chest.

What a great first impression. I looked like an escaped mental patient.

I saw her swallow and then a tiny smile spread across her lips. She was just as nervous as I was.

“ Hi,” I offered, confused about which social skills I was meant to employ in this situation. For the past year, my closest friends were my life coach, Danny the Drag Queen, my gay neighbors, and my parents. I hadn’t made a real friend since Caroline’s death, and now that I was staring at someone my age, I felt my lungs constrict in fear of what she thought of me.

I hopped up to my feet and realized we were practically the same height.


“ I’m Abby,” I offered gently.

“ Hi.” She smiled timidly. “I’m Sammy.”

We stood silently, soaking in the awkwardness of our introductions, and then I finally spoke up. “I picked this side because of the sunlight, but if you want to swap, we definitely can. I just wanted to face the window when I wrote,” I kept rambling, pointing to various things in the room as I went.

She interrupted me mid sentence. “Oh, no. No, that’s perfect. I don’t mind.” Her voice was small, like a mouse.

I exhaled, trying to calm my nerves. Then I laughed, a tiny giggle that turned into a belly-aching laugh. Sammy looked at me like I’d just stepped off Pluto, but then I think the situation sank in for her and she started laughing as well.

“ I was really nervous about having a potluck roommate. None of my friends from home got into this school,” Sammy explained as she sat back on her bed, finally relaxing.

I shrugged and sat back on my bed as well. “I think we’ll be okay.” And I meant it. It felt good to know that I’d have a friend soon. That even if things with Beck didn’t work out later, I’d still have Sammy. “I can help you grab your stuff, if you have more?”

Her face lit up, “That’d be great. And then,” she paused, fidgeting with her stuff on her bed, “we could get lunch if you want? There’s this sandwich shop down the street that looked like it had vegetarian options.”

“ You’re a vegetarian!? So am I!” I smiled wide, holding the door open so we could head down to grab her luggage.



I ended up spilling my plan to Sammy after we’d returned from lunch and exploring around the city. Not so much because I wanted to divulge secrets with her, but more so as a public service announcement. She had the right to know that I could be potentially wallowing on the floor of our dorm unable to muster the energy for any human contact for the next few days. Yes, that was the worst case scenario, but still feasible.

“ Wow… that’s really brave,” she commented as I laced up my Keds.

“ It doesn’t feel brave. It feels reckless, like I’m throwing myself into oncoming traffic,” I laughed, wondering if we were to the point where I could divulge my true sense of humor. Her laughter put my mind at ease.

“ Do you want me to walk over with you? I won’t stay if you don’t want me to.” Her tone sounded so sincere that I could almost hear Caroline cheering from wherever she stood watching that moment.

“ That’d actually be great. I feel like I might chicken out.” I stood and took a deep breath, wondering what else I would need. I caught my reflection in the mirror. My jade green eyes popped against my fair skin. My strawberry blonde hair framed my face in natural waves. No makeup, just me. The me that Beck hopefully still loved.

“ You look great,” Sammy offered, tugging her purse over her shoulder. I met her gaze in the mirror and gave her a silly smile before we locked up and headed toward the statue.





[page]CHAPTER THIRTY





Love will make you reckless. It can drag out parts of you that common sense and fear usually keep hidden away. Because love is selfless and selfish. Heading toward that statue proved just how selfless I was going to have to be if I wanted to win Beck back. When I walked onto the MIT campus and stumbled upon a sight that made my heart stop, I didn’t turn around even though my feet didn’t want to keep carrying me forward. I had to be brave for Beck.

I kept pushing past people, contemplating the fact that there was a crowd waiting around the statue that could have rivaled the attendance of a rock concert. Everyone was milling about, holding my flyers and talking animatedly. The closer I attempted to get to the statue, the more condensed the crowd became.

Sammy’s wide eyes confirmed my fears. My heart hammered against my chest, deafening the sounds of the crowd. Whatever was about to happen wouldn’t be private. There were cell phones, cameras, and one thousand memories that would forever capture my inevitable heartache.

“ Are all these people here because of the letter you put up yesterday?” Sammy asked, clutching onto my elbow so we wouldn’t get pulled apart in the crowd.

“ I have no clue,” I answered in a daze. But the closer to the statue we pushed, the more I realized that whatever bravery I thought I needed would have to be doubled.