With This Heart(76)

“ I’m not sure I can do this.” I shook out my hands, feeling a panic starting to rise. I didn’t think people would care. I was scared no one would even read the letter. But this? The fact that so many people were curious about the outcome made my stomach twist into a tight pretzel.

“ Abby,” Sammy looked down at her watch. “You’ve still got fifteen minutes. Let’s just walk closer to the statue and you can decide when we get up there.” Her suggestion seemed reasonable enough. No one knew I was the girl from the flyer yet, they just thought we wanted front row seats. We kept pushing, getting some angry stares from people who’d clearly been waiting for quite some time. I didn’t know what to say. I tried to hide my blushing cheeks and keep my head down until we finally pushed our way through to the other side.

The statue was an island stuck smack-dab in the center of no man’s land. No one wanted to get too close. I peered toward Sammy wearily, but her eyes were wide and she kept shaking her head in disbelief. I wondered if she thought her first day at college would be quite so interesting.

Why had all these people come? Maybe since classes hadn’t started yet, no one had anything better to do? I should have planned better. Maybe my mom was right about calling him instead. I pulled my phone out of my purse and looked down to see a blank screen. If he’d seen the flyer, would he have called me already?

“ Abby, you only have five minutes now, do you think you should…?” Her eyes darted from me to the statue, then back again. She couldn’t finish the sentence because she knew how insane it was.

I pocketed my phone and puffed out a breath. My hands felt clammy. Sammy nudged my arm and I realized I was still standing there, not deciding what to do. I either had to move forward, or leave and try something else.

I didn’t think I’d be able to do it.

But then I locked eyes with the distinguished professor from the day before, the one who could have turned me into the authorities. He was across the circle, watching me with a half smile and I couldn’t help but gape. It may seem strange considering I barely knew him, and I hardly knew Sammy, but having them both there made me feel like I wasn’t so alone. Maybe they’d have my back if people started throwing rotten tomatoes or something at me.

You know that feeling when you’re about to jump into a cold pool? You realize that it will be freezing and that you just have to hold your breath and get it over with. There’s a moment when you’re on the ledge and your heart leaps in your chest and then before you realize it, you’re bending your knees and jumping whether you consciously decided to or not? That’s what happened when I took my first step into the circle. It was a baby step, but my body took it as an approval on my part, and before I knew it, I was halfway to the statue. My body was proceeding as planned and my brain was screaming for me to retreat, to get out while I still could.

The crowd erupted into whispers and shouts, but the conversations were nothing more than background noise. Everyone’s faces blurred into nothingness as I walked toward the statue. It greeted me with silence, and I stepped inside, just past the entrance.


I peered over to see Sammy give me a thumbs up before I squeezed my eyes shut. When I pried them open again, I stared into the crowd without seeing anyone. They were all a blur of skin tones and clothing. My fingers darted up to the tiny locket lying on top of my shirt. I fingered the gold heart, thinking of the flea market and the old ladies that condemned our kissing.

I could feel my heart beating in my throat. Each beat felt like it was another step closer to my impending doom. Thump. He’s not coming. Thump. He’s probably not even at MIT. Thump. What if he has a girlfriend? Thump.

“ I think I’m the person you wrote about in your note,” I heard a voice mutter confidently. My stomach dropped and I whipped my head around to see a stranger standing a few feet in front of me. He was tall and lanky; he wore Converse and a trendy pair of glasses. But he was definitely not Beck.

“ Um,” I muttered awkwardly. I hadn’t considered what would happen if someone other than Beck came forward. “Are you joking?”

His face split into a smile. “All I’m saying is that if your guy doesn’t show up, I’d be more than happy to fill his shoes.”

Wow. I couldn’t even process his request because in a matter of seconds a bevy of guys stepped forward to offer their proverbial glass slippers as well. They each wanted a piece of the limelight. It would have been beyond flattering to assume they meant their proclamations, but I knew it had more to do with their twenty-year-old brains. Their need for attention and approval from the female population meant that they were willing to step forward so that they could brag about it over dinner in the dorm cafeterias later.

I tried to smile at them, but I was too nervous. The attention was too much and I balled my fists next to my legs to keep from running.

“ You can’t give up. I’ll be the guy,” one shouted from the crowd.

They meant well, but their sweet jokes told me one thing. It was past six pm and Beck hadn’t showed up. That’s why they stepped forward. They were trying to help me in a pitiful way. I ran the heel of my palm against my chest, trying to break the tightness that had suddenly formed there. I felt like my heart was constricting and I blinked my eyes in quick succession. My hands fell limp to my side and I took a small step out of the statue.

He hadn’t seen the note. Or if he had, he wasn’t going to come. Everyone was watching me with piteous faces. I didn’t want their pity. I wanted Beck to be at MIT still. I wanted fate to be on my side for once. I wanted to be able to erase the pain from last year. But I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too. I gave Beck up so that he could follow his dream, and that’s the way it had to end.