Wicked Need (The Wicked Horse Series Book 3)(69)

Which begs the question… if Rand can be that stubbornly set on seeing me as a good person, why can’t I? I mean… I admire Rand. He’s a smart guy. Well rounded, kind, and empathetic. He has good business sense and isn’t a fool. So why in the hell would I even think to discount what he sees about me?

Why would I ever think that’s not the entire truth?

Walking past the overstuffed couch in the living room, I reach out and straighten a throw pillow. My life has been reduced to fluffing pillows because there’s nothing else to do but sit around and wait for Rand to come back.

No idea where he could have gone. I went to Westward Ink two days ago, but Pish didn’t know where he was or when he’d be back. I considered going to the Wicked Horse and asking Bridger, but for some reason, I didn’t think I could look him in the eye and admit I may have made a very big mistake by going to The Silo that night, which in turn, drove Rand away.

My doorbell rings, startling me with a shock of adrenaline because there’s no reason for anyone to be at my door. I have no friends and my heart refuses to believe it would be Rand.

For a split second, I think about ignoring it because if it is Rand, then I’ll be forced to make a decision on how I choose to view myself and what I believe I’m entitled to. Scary prospect, and I’m not sure I’m ready.

But then I decide to go for it because it could be a courier delivering papers from Richard regarding the transfer of monies, or it could be Detective Blanton with an update on the case.

Instead, when I open the door, I’m greeted by the smiling face of Callie Hayes.

The woman who hired me out of the goodness of her heart, only to have me quit on her after three days on the job. Yes, the day after my run in with Rand at The Silo, I went into campaign headquarters and told Callie I couldn’t work for her anymore.

She asked why and I told her the truth.

That I now had quite a bit of money coming my way and didn’t need the job.

She just smiled at me and nodded politely, not buying for one second that was the reason I was quitting. But because she’s a professional, she wished me well and told me I’d be welcome back if I wanted.

I felt like shit leaving her like that, but the truth is, at that point, I had figured my life in Jackson, Wyoming was over. I felt like a fraud, and Rand had left. There was no reason for me to stay and continue to cultivate friendships. In fact, I had intended to hightail it back to Vegas. Even though there’s no one there I love, it’s still my hometown.

Yet four days later, I’m still here and watching as Callie pushes past me into my home. She looks around as she shrugs out of her jean jacket. It’s late afternoon and the temps really start to dip at this time of year, but not enough to warrant a big coat.

“Nice place,” she says conversationally.

“Um… thanks,” I respond as I follow her into the living room.

She turns, smiling at me brightly.

I smile back, not so bright and with mostly confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“Checking in on you, silly,” she says with a wave of her hand. “I didn’t buy that shit about you having all kinds of money now and moving on with your life. Well, I totally bought the money thing… I mean, hello… your husband was a gazillionaire or something, but I refused to believe you were bailing on Rand.”

“Rand bailed on me,” I say quietly. I realize for the first time I’m a little hurt he left without any true resolution between us. The way he’s left me wondering, mulling, and stewing over my life has me in knots, and I’m doing nothing but obsessing on how to untie those so I can have peace.

Huh?

Maybe that’s what Rand intended all along to happen to me?

Shaking my head, I look at Callie. With my most confident voice, I say, “I appreciate you checking on me, but as you can see, I’m fine.”

And she snorts at me with a major eye roll, and then just levels one cocked eyebrow at me.

I get a little miffed. “You don’t know me so just level that look somewhere else.”

“I know what it’s like to love someone but they don’t give you the same back in return, mainly because they’re too stupid to realize it,” she murmurs, her head tilted and eyes sympathetic. “I know because Woolf did it to me, and I know how that made me feel. You’re running away from Rand, and I can tell you… it’s going to hurt him deeply.”

My shoulders immediately sag and any thought I had of fighting her on this seeps out of me. I don’t want to cause Rand pain. I don’t want to be stupid and lose something that could be very good for me. I just don’t know how to accept my own worthiness.

I look at Callie with misery-filled eyes. “I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what?” she asks, taking a step toward me with hands coming out to grasp mine.

“Accept happiness—feel worthy—trust that Rand is really crazy for me. I don’t know how to give credence to all of these amazing things I’ve never had before. It doesn’t feel right… or genuine to me. I feel like a fraud.”

“Why?” she asks, her eyes wide with curiosity. “Why would you ever feel that way?”

“Because I’m not the type of woman anyone respects. I sold out. Sold my own f*cking self-respect and worth for the almighty dollar. I let myself be treated abominably because I didn’t have the fortitude to demand better for myself. And here Rand Bishop is before me, almost perfect in every way a human can be, and he wants me to step off into a happily ever after with him that I’m sure is going to come crumbling down when he realizes the type of person I really am.”