When August Ends(55)

I lay facing her and planted a kiss on her beautiful lips.

After a few minutes, the plethora of worrisome thoughts returned. She noticed my change in expression.

“Do you regret what we’ve done?”

“Not one bit.”

“I can see worry on your face.”

“It has nothing to do with regret. I wouldn’t change last night or this morning for the world.”

“But you are worried.”

I caressed her face, not wanting to ruin this time together. “We don’t need to talk about this now.”

Heather moved back a little bit, and suddenly it felt cold in the bed. “Just last night, you were about to walk out of my life. I feel like talking about this now. I want to know what you’re thinking.”

She was right. Things had gone from one extreme to the other. Even though I wanted to stay in this sexual fog, that wasn’t fair. She deserved honesty, even if I didn’t have all the answers.

“There’s so much going on in my head right now that I’m not even sure how to express it.”

“Try.”

I pulled her in closer to me. “I’m confused,” I finally said.

“About your feelings toward me?”

“My feelings toward you are the only thing I’m sure of. You make me happier than anyone or anything has in a very long time. And last night was the best sex of my life.”

“Why do I feel like there’s a but in there somewhere…”

Tightening my squeeze on her waist, I said, “I’m scared shitless to hold you back, Heather. You already know that. You’re getting attached to me. Instead, you should be focusing on going away to school and starting your life. I’m afraid to interfere and derail everything.”

“Why does it have to be a choice? Why can’t I have both?”

That was a fair question—without a simple answer.

“You can. But whether you’ll still want that in six months or a year is very dependent on what you find when you get there, how you feel when you’re on your own for the first time. I’m not sure you can know how you’re gonna feel right now.”

“I beg to differ… But let me ask you a question. What would you want if my schooling wasn’t in the way?”

I didn’t have to think about that. “I’d want to be around you every day.”

“You wouldn’t consider a long-distance relationship?”

“With you? I’d consider anything. I’d have to know you were fully ready for that, though. And I don’t know if you can determine that now. This is a very emotional time in your life. You’ve relied on me a lot to get through it, and I’m so happy I could be here for you. But you might feel differently when you move away, when there’s distance between us. Summer will turn to winter. You might not want to be tied down in a relationship with a thirty-five-year-old divorcé. You might want your freedom.”

She seemed desperate to get her point across. “I want you. You’re all I want. I can’t imagine ever not wanting to be with you. I don’t care if I’m here or in Timbuktu.”

“I know you mean that with all of your heart right now.”

“But you don’t think I’ll still feel that way when I get to school? You think I can just switch my feelings off that easily?”

We were blinded by infatuation. I’d experienced enough already to know what I wanted. I wanted her. But she was still evolving. How could I make her understand that if she didn’t want to hear it?

“Heather, you’re so damn young. You’ve never even lived away from home on your own. You have this amazing opportunity to go away to school and to have your freedom, and I think it’s best for you not to be tied down before you even get there.”

She started to cry.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

“What you just said feels like you’re breaking up with me, but that’s silly because we’re not even together. In reality, we only fucked.”

My tone grew angry. “It wasn’t only fucking, and you know it.”

“Then what does it mean if we can’t be together? It then becomes…just fucking.”

“I didn’t say we can’t be together. I just—”

“I just had the best night of my life, and now you’re pushing me away.”

“Please don’t think that. I’m not pushing you away. You asked me what was on my mind. I’m trying to be honest with you.” It felt like my heart had suddenly burst open as my voice grew louder. “I’m scared, okay? What we have…it’s intense. In some ways, it’s the most intense thing I’ve ever experienced. There’s no halfway with you. When you were out with that guy the other night, I felt physically ill.” I realized I’d never heard anything about how her date went. “Whatever happened with him anyway?”

“I was so preoccupied after leaving you, I barely heard a word he said all night. I apologized for seeming out of it and asked him to take me home early.”

Good.

“Well, I was a basket case the whole time you were gone. I’ve never felt that possessive over anyone in my entire life, not even the woman I was married to. But that reaction is very telling. It means I need to make sure my feelings toward you aren’t impeding your freedom, that I’m not steering you in a certain direction for selfish reasons. The thought of losing you hurts. But what hurts me even more is the thought of you ever regretting choosing me. I don’t want you to have any regrets. I don’t want you to resent me.”