We Are the Ants(94)

“I’m not okay.”





19 January 2016


Miranda, one of the moons belonging to Uranus, features a patchwork of ridges and cliffs, grooved structures called coronae, and massive canyons up to twelve times deeper than the Grand Canyon. Some scientists have theorized that Miranda’s piecemeal structure is the result of a massive impact that broke the moon into several pieces that—held together by her gravity—were reformed into something entirely unique. I feel as broken as Miranda, but I can’t begin to guess at what’s holding me together.

Audrey and I walked through what passed for a garden at the Quiet Oaks Inpatient Treatment Facility. Most of the plants were stunted or dead, and cigarette butts poked out of the dirt like signposts. There wasn’t much for the patients to do between therapy sessions other than smoke or write or f*ck with the nurses.

“You should see what happens when I try to take a pudding cup out of the kitchen. One step off the linoleum, and Katy starts screaming about breaking the rules. That sets Matthew off. All he ever does is drone on and on about how cruel we are to eat in front of him. And I have to wear socks around Brandy, or she tries to molest my feet.”

“Sounds . . . fun?” Audrey laughed. I wondered if the hospital she’d been at was like mine, and if she’d been afraid they’d never let her leave.

“It’s really not.”

Nurse Curtis watched us from the door to make sure Audrey wasn’t sneaking me contraband. They took my shaving razors and my shoelaces. The only thing I was allowed to keep was a pencil so I could keep writing in my journal. “Are you doing . . . better?”

Better was such a relative word. I wasn’t even sure what the baseline to measure better against was. “Dr. Janeway put me on antidepressants. They take time to work, I guess. I think she wants me to let Jesse go, but I haven’t figured out how I’m supposed to do that yet.”

Audrey sat on one of the faded plastic patio chairs, and I sat across from her. “Is that progress?”

“I don’t know. I mean, how am I supposed to say good-bye to Jesse?”

“You don’t,” Audrey said. “Not really.”

I shook my head. “Dr. Janeway and I talk about the aliens a lot. Jesse too. Sometimes we talk about Marcus, but I don’t really like to, and she’s cool about not pushing me.”

“Speaking of Marcus. Principal DeShields expelled him.”

“Seriously?” Without any concrete evidence, the police were reluctant to charge him with attempted rape. It didn’t matter how many times I repeated my story to the cops; they couldn’t hide their skepticism. Marcus was right: no one believed loser space boys. But it didn’t matter. I’d made a choice.

Audrey’s tentative smile morphed into a grin. “The police searched him and found a handful of OxyContin in his pocket. Since he was on school grounds, that was all the excuse DeShields needed to give him the boot.”

“I hope he gets help.”

“I hope he gets what’s coming to him.”

He probably wouldn’t. He’d probably still get into a good college, end up rich like his parents, and have everything he thought he ever wanted. But it was like Ms. Faraci had said: Marcus didn’t matter to me.

“Have you heard from Diego?”

Audrey hesitated, and I knew she had. Mom had driven me to his house on our way to Quiet Oaks the morning after the winter carnival, but he hadn’t been home. I’d left a note on his front door, begging him to call Audrey or Charlie or my mom, but it had been three days and he hadn’t called. I’d even used the calling card Marcus had given me, and called Viviana from the hospital, but she hadn’t answered.

“He’s in Colorado.”

My heart was beating so hard, I thought it would explode. “Is he . . . ?”

“His sister is with him. He’s got to go before a judge for violating his probation, but since Marcus’s family isn’t pressing charges, he’s hopeful the judge will be lenient.”

I raised my eyebrow. “Marcus isn’t pressing charges? Diego broke his nose.”

“Don’t forget about the tooth.” Audrey chuckled. “Their darling boy tried to rape another boy at a high school carnival. It’s not the sort of thing his parents want to draw attention to.”

“Did Diego give you a number?” The hospital had a pay phone for patients to use, and I wanted to call him so badly. I didn’t expect things to go back to the way they were, but I was hoping he’d still be my friend.

Audrey shook her head.

I’d figured as much. Even though Diego had risked being locked up in juvie for me, I wasn’t sure I could fix the damage I’d done.

“Just focus on getting better, Henry. That’s what’s important.”





21 January 2016


On my fifth day in Quiet Oaks, Dr. Janeway took me on a field trip. It was my idea, but she agreed without hesitation. It was one of those nice Florida days that makes you forget about the months of steamy air teeming with blood-hungry mosquitos. A salty breeze blew in from the ocean, and it was cool even in the sunlight.

Dr. Janeway remained in her car, giving me enough distance to feel like I was on my own.

Jesse Franklin’s headstone was simple and uncomplicated. I think maybe people thought that’s how Jesse was, but there was so much under the surface that no one, not even I, knew about. I wish I had.