We Are the Ants(95)

“Now that I’m here, I don’t know what to say.” I stood over Jesse’s grave, my hands folded in front of me. “Apparently, letting the world end is sort of the same as wanting to kill myself, so I guess I’m just as screwed up as you.”

It hurt to imagine Jesse all alone under the ground. I wasn’t sure whether I believed in heaven or hell or reincarnation. All I knew was that Jesse was gone and that I’d loved him.

“Dr. Janeway says I’ll never really know why you took your own life. I hope you knew that I loved you so f*cking much. Maybe we don’t matter to the universe, Jesse Franklin, but you mattered to me.”

? ? ?

Mom and Charlie visited me yesterday, but I think it was difficult for Mom to see me in the hospital. I think blaming ourselves for situations we have no control over must be genetic. Maybe the sluggers should pay her a visit.

Zooey was waiting for me when I returned from the ceme-tery with Dr. Janeway. It hurt to see her without her round belly. Part of her was missing, but only those of us who knew her could see it.

“Hey, Henry.”

“Checking in?” Zooey didn’t laugh at the joke. “You look good.”

I didn’t know what else to say. The truth was that she looked tired, worn-down, and worn-out. Maybe she knew I wasn’t being entirely honest, but she said thanks, anyway.

“Where’s Charlie? Did he find the fridge? The nurses count those Jell-O cups.” I looked around for my brother but didn’t see him.

Zooey shook her head. “Just me.”

I led her to a threadbare couch, ignoring and ignored by the other patients.

She said, “I had class yesterday and couldn’t come with your mom and Charlie. I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

“I’m good, I guess.”

Zooey seemed as at a loss for words as I did. She’d hidden herself away after New Year’s, and I felt guilty I hadn’t visited her. “That’s good.”

“What about you? How are you holding up?”

As soon as I asked, Zooey’s bottom lip began to tremble. I didn’t want her to cry in the crazy hospital, for fear they’d never let her leave. “I shouldn’t have come.”

She tried to stand, but I took her hand and pulled her back onto the couch. “I’m glad you came,” I said. “This place gets super boring.”

Zooey smiled a little. “Can I ask you something, Henry?”

“Sure.”

“Do you still want the world to end?”

I wasn’t kidding about the hospital being boring. No TV, no books, just a lot of time to write and think. And I’d spent a fairly huge chunk of that time thinking about the sluggers. “No. I don’t think so.”

“What changed your mind?”

“Honestly?” I said. “It wasn’t any one thing.” I looked at Zooey—into her eyes, into the deep pools of amber. I recognized what I saw there. The emptiness, the grief. I could have been looking into a mirror. I could have told her something inspirational, something to hang her hope on that would help her through the long, lonely nights where she wouldn’t be able to think about anything but the little life that might have been. Instead I told her the truth. “Jesse’s still dead, Diego might end up back in juvie. The world pretty much sucks. But the bad shit that happens doesn’t cancel out the good. I mean, a world with people like you in it can’t be totally crap, right?”

I wasn’t sure if anything I’d said had helped. Zooey’s eyes were wet around the edges, but she wasn’t crying. Not really.

After a moment she said, “I’m considering changing my major.”

“Oh yeah? What to?”

“Premed,” Zooey said. “I think I want to be an obstetrician.”

“That’s pretty cool. But you’ll definitely have to trade up from Charlie.”

That made Zooey laugh. A real laugh. Beautiful and alive.

“Hey, Zooey?”

“Yeah.”

“Will you tell me about her? About Evie?”

It took her a moment to get started, but once Zooey began talking, she didn’t stop until visiting hours ended.





23 January 2016


On the seventh day, Dr. Janeway released me from Quiet Oaks under strict orders to continue taking my antidepressants. I also had to meet with her twice a week at her office for therapy.

I expected Mom to pick me up, but Charlie and Zooey were waiting for me instead. Zooey hugged me fiercely, and Charlie slugged me in the arm. They weren’t there to take me home, though. They had a different destination in mind.

Mom and Nana were waiting for us at the county courthouse for Charlie and Zooey’s wedding. I stood beside Charlie as his best man, and Mom fussed over a radiant Zooey. Nana filled the courtroom with stories about the time she caught a shark off the coast of Key West, and the time she single--handedly uncovered a plot to murder the pope. When the judge finished, she took a group photo of us, and Nana played Mr. and Mrs. Charlie Denton out on a little keyboard that was stashed in the corner. She didn’t miss a note.

The ceremony was brief but wonderful. We had dinner afterward at Neptune’s because Mom couldn’t take the day off, not even for her son’s wedding. That’s how life is; it just goes on.