We Are the Ants(89)

Charlie sneered. “Such a f*cking pansy.”

“We’ll see who’s a pansy when Mom rips you a new * for driving home drunk and tearing up the lawn.”

“Whatever.”

“You could’ve killed yourself, idiot.”

“That was the point.”

I hugged my ribs, breathing shallowly. At least he hadn’t hit my face. My eye was only just healed from Adrian’s surprise punch in the hallway at school. “Don’t bother,” I said. “Unless the aliens abduct me again, we’re all going to die in a couple of weeks.”

Charlie glanced at me. “Do you honestly believe that shit?”

“Did you think I was making it up?”

“I always figured you belonged in a mental hospital.”

“Maybe I do.”

Charlie’s eyelids began to droop, and his breathing slowed. I should have left him to sleep in the chair. It would have served him right to wake up at least half as sore as I was going to. But I grabbed his wrist and helped him to his bed. He crashed into the pillows, asleep before he hit them.

“I really wanted to be a dad,” he mumbled.

I pulled the blankets over Charlie and set his phone beside him before turning off the lights. I stood in the doorway, listening to my brother snore.

“For the record, I think you would have been a good dad.”

? ? ?

I stood at the edge of the ocean, letting the water wash over my feet. My eyes were closed, but I was looking up, and I swore I could still see the stars through my eyelids. On my left was mighty Hercules, and on my right Mars and the constellation Libra. Somewhere out there the sluggers were orbiting Earth in their spaceship.

“I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’m ready to press the button now.” The air was still. There was no moon and no shadows. “I want to press the button.”

I shivered uncontrollably, but figured it was my due to suffer for this. If I’d pushed that button when I’d had the chance, I wouldn’t have needed to stand outside in the cold night, begging the aliens to save me.

Only it wasn’t myself I wanted to save. It was my brother, who wanted to be a father, and Zooey who deserved to finish college. It was Mom and Nana and Audrey and Diego. Even Marcus. They deserve to live, even if I don’t.

“Please.”





15 January 2016


The Big Bang released so much energy that the universe has been expanding outward from it for more than thirteen billion years. Eventually, that expansion will cease, and gravity will cause the universe to contract. All those galactic clusters and far-flung stars ringed by planets—some dead, some teeming with alien life—are going to come zipping back toward one another, faster and faster as the pull of gravity draws them toward the center. No one is sure what will happen in the Big Crunch. The universe and everything in it could collapse into a massive singularity, or it could initiate another Big Bang, a new beginning to the universe. Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Maybe the only way to really start over is to tear everything apart.

At least, that’s what I told myself.

Mom was cooking when I walked into the kitchen. Buzzing about, happier than I’d seen her in ages. Audrey was picking me up to go to Calypso High’s winter carnival in fifteen minutes. I had no real desire to waste my time throwing balls at bottles to win cheap prizes, but Audrey refused to let me spend another Friday night wallowing alone in my room. I tried to ignore the possibility that Diego might be there, but when I realized I’d spent an hour obsessing over what to wear, I knew I was hoping to see him.

“Smells good in here,” I said. There were so many aromas, it was difficult to separate them, but I was pretty certain one was fish.

“Pancetta-wrapped salmon with asparagus and lime crème fra?che.” She glanced at me over her shoulder as she stood at the sink washing asparagus. “You look nice.”

I peeked at the bowls on the counter, looking for something to nibble on, but none of it looked edible. “Audrey and I are going to the winter carnival.”

“That’ll be fun.” She sounded doubtful, and I was right there with her.

“Sadly, I have nothing better to do.” I settled on a banana. It was still too green, but I had to quiet my chatty stomach. “You seen Charlie?”

Mom shook her head. “I think he’s staying with Zooey at her parents’ house.”

Charlie and I hadn’t spoken since the other night. My ribs looked like a weather map predicting a winter storm, but I’ll count it a worthy sacrifice if Charlie never drives drunk again.

“You think they’ll get through this?”

Mom transferred the asparagus to the cutting board. She smiled as she chopped. I hadn’t seen her smoke since New Year’s either, but I didn’t mention it. She’d tried to quit before but had never lasted longer than a week. I hoped she succeeded, but I didn’t want her to feel like a failure if she didn’t.

“It’s hard to tell.”

“I like Zooey,” I said. “I like Charlie with Zooey.” It didn’t matter that Charlie didn’t deserve his beautiful, brilliant fiancée. For some unknown reason she loved him, and he was a better person for it.

“Me too.” Even Mom seemed surprised that she meant it. “Though, I do hope your brother changes his mind about college.”