Virtuous(92)

I think about some of the lines I’ve delivered in movies while playing a man in love and how silly they seemed to me at the time. Now I look back at them with new perspective, because there’s nothing silly about my feelings for Natalie. And I realize I have a naughty little twenty-pound dog to thank for bringing her into my life. That she could’ve walked right by the park that day and I never would’ve known that everything I ever wanted was passing me by…

She loves me, too. I’m relieved and tormented by what I’m keeping from her. But what does it matter? If I’m willing to live without some things in order to have others, well, so be it. Life is about compromise and finding middle ground. I can do this for her, or so I tell myself.

In truth, I honestly don’t know if I can live permanently outside the lifestyle I chose for myself more than a decade ago. But I’m willing to try if it means having a chance with Natalie. After what happened tonight, it’s apparent to me that there’s no way I can share that lifestyle with her.

And if the choice is to live without the lifestyle or live without her, well, there’s no choice at all. She is essential to me in a way that nothing and no one else has ever been. I will do whatever it takes to make this work with her, even if it means giving up something that has meant a lot to me.

It won’t be like it was with Val. I was new to the lifestyle then and still testing my own limits. I pushed her too far. I know that now. She exacted her revenge by sleeping with the director of the film we were shooting at the time. I exacted mine by sleeping with her friend. The entire incident was ugly and unfortunate. With hindsight, I can acknowledge my share of the blame for the disaster our marriage became at the end.

It will be different with Natalie because I already love her more than I ever loved Val, who was ambitious to a fault, willing to stop at nothing to get what she wanted, which was superstardom. She certainly succeeded at that, but at what cost? At least I didn’t sell my soul for my career the way she did for hers.

I don’t like to think about her or the difficult, humiliating end to our marriage. The divorce got so ugly that I publicly renounced the institution of marriage altogether, a move my mother later told me hurt her deeply. Those were some of the darkest days of my life, and Hayden is right to remind me of how bad it got.

I have no desire to ever go through anything like that again, which is why I would give up the lifestyle before I’d try to force it on Natalie, who wouldn’t be able to handle it. With her in my arms in the dark of night, a decision is made, and I’m able to relax enough to sleep.

I’m tortured in my sleep again with erotic dreams that put me in the dungeon with Natalie, where she’s a willing partner in every scenario I dream up. She loves it as much as I do. She loves to be dominated and forced to withhold her pleasure until I give her permission to take it.

I have her bent over the spanking bench, her hands are tied and her bottom raised, tempting me to do anything I want to her—and there are so many things I want to do. She is mine, completely and totally. She trusts me implicitly. I love her madly. I crave her sweet body and want to stretch the boundaries of my own creative imagination to take us places I’ve never been with any other partner.

I bring my hand down on her soft white skin and the slapping sound resonates through the cavernous room. Natalie gasps and then moans when I rub the red handprint. Pain becomes pleasure with the stroke of a hand. I do it again and again and again, until her bottom is cherry red and her breathing raspy and uneven. Her * glistens and moisture coats her inner thighs, which tells me she’s enjoying this every bit as much as I am.

After coating my fingers with lubricant, I stroke her back entrance, drawing a prolonged groan from her. “What’s your safe word?”

“Fluff,” she says breathlessly.

“Fluff what?”

“Sir. Fluff, Sir.”

I swallow a lump of emotion that comes with hearing her call me that, from knowing I own her body and soul. It’s the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. “That’s my girl.” I drive my fingers into her bottom and remove them just as quickly, replacing them with the largest plug I own. When she resists the intrusion, I spank her again, which distracts her long enough to press the widest part of the plug past her resisting muscles.

She cries out from the pleasurable pinch of pain, and I stroke her clit to take her mind off the pressure of the huge plug in her ass.

I give her a minute to breathe and adjust, but not too long to slip out of the scene. Taking her by the hips, I drive my cock into her * and have to give myself a moment when her muscles contract and my balls draw up tightly. I close my eyes, summoning the control I pride myself in, wanting to see this through to a finish neither of us will ever forget.