Virtuous(91)

His chest is heaving as he looks down at me. “Open your mouth wider. Take as much as you can.” He curls my hand around the base. “Stroke me at the same time.”

Despite my best efforts, I can take only about half of him, which has me wondering how I’ll ever accommodate him when we actually have sex.

Out of nowhere, a flashback surfaces. Of being forced to perform this act. Of being choked and suffocated and…. I pull back from Flynn, covering my mouth to suppress a sob. My chest aches as I try to erase the memories of the past from my present, which has nothing at all to do with that horror.

Flynn sits up and puts his arms around me. “Breathe, honey. Come on.” He gives me a little shake that rouses me from the swamp of painful memories. “Breathe.”

I draw in a deep, shuddering breath. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t ever feel you have to apologize to me for anything.” He gathers me up and arranges me on his lap, my head on his shoulder.

I deeply resent the tears that roll down my cheeks. I hate that the past still rears its ugly head to remind me I’m broken inside, even when I think I’ve healed. I’m despondent to discover otherwise eight long years later.

Flynn rocks me gently, his lips soft against my forehead. “Natalie, please don’t cry. Everything is just fine.”

“No, it isn’t! Don’t you see? If I can’t do that, how will I ever do anything else?”

“Nat… This is the first time you’ve tried. Maybe it didn’t work this time. Maybe it’ll be okay the next time or the time after.”

“What if it’s never okay? What if I can’t ever be with you that way?”

He takes hold of my chin, imploring me to look at him. “I love you. I’m crazy in love with you. We will get there together. One day at a time, until the ghosts from the past have been exorcised and there’s only you and me.”

It has been a very long time since anyone said those words to me. At first, I can only cry harder as his words fill the empty places inside me.

“I love you, Natalie. I’ve loved you since the first second you looked up at me from the ground in the park. I’ve loved you since Fluff bit me and since I chased you from the park. And if it takes the rest of our lives, we’ll get there. I have no doubt about that.”

“You can’t know that.” I wipe away more tears. “You don’t even know what happened to me.”

“No, I don’t. If you want to tell me, I’ll listen and I’ll hurt and I’ll rage, and absolutely nothing will change for me except I’ll probably love you more than I already do.”

“I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want to ever talk about that again.”

“Okay.” He kisses my forehead and my nose and then my lips. “The reason I have no doubt we’ll get there is because we’ve already gotten close. What we were doing this time was different, and it triggered a memory for you.”

“I wanted to do that. I wanted to give you something special.”

“You give me something special just by being here with me. You give me something special every minute I get to spend with you.”

“I want to be what you need.”

“You are, sweetheart. You’re absolutely perfect for me.” He lies back, bringing me with him. His hand slides over my hair. “You’re so strong and resilient. I have total faith in you. Everything is going to be okay.”

His words lull and calm me. They give me hope.

“Close your eyes and get some sleep. We’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

“Flynn?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you, too.”

His arms tighten around me. “There you go, giving me something special again.”





Chapter 19





I hold her as she sleeps, but rest proves elusive for me. I’m overwhelmed with a thousand different emotions that churn through me relentlessly. I’m relieved to have been able to share my feelings with her, and I’m enraged by what she was forced to endure. If the man who hurt her is still alive, I want to find him and kill him with my bare hands.

In that moment, I acknowledge there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her, including commit murder if it would give her the peace she deserves so greatly. I’m also forced to acknowledge that even though I’ve said the words before, I’ve never been truly in love. Not like this, anyway. This is different from anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s deeper and richer.