Vanish (Firelight #2)(9)

“I had to tell them. What if any of those hunters ever remember? Tamra doesn’t know how to use her powers yet. What if it doesn’t last? What if she didn’t shade them enough?”

I nod, the motion somehow painful, nearly as painful as the tightness in my chest. “I understand. It’s fine.”

“Clearly, it’s not fine. You’re upset.”

I press a hand to my chest. “And wouldn’t you be, Cassian? I’m going to be treated like a traitor for the rest of my life.”

He shakes his head slowly, a muscle feathering the flesh of his clenched jaw. “They’ll forget and forgive. Eventually.”

“You can’t know that.”

He’d said he would try to do everything he could to keep me safe, but even I know he’s not in total control here.

“The fact that Tamra’s here, that she’s a shader, has greatly appeased them. That you’re both back has.”

Even after he told them what I did? I stare at him doubtfully, afraid to drop my guard. “So I’m not in trouble?”

“I didn’t say that.” Something loosens in his face as he says this. A hint of a smile plays on his mouth. “You did reveal yourself to a human, Jacinda. And his family of hunters.”

And for that, I must pay. I nod, accepting it.

“You’ve got a lot to make up for,” he adds, fully serious again.

“And if I can’t?” I’m not sure I have it in me to prove myself to anyone anymore. Right now, the thought of never seeing Will again tears through me and makes me feel bruised and tired. Even though a part of me is relieved to be back in the pride, I’m not exactly in the best condition to properly suck up to anyone.

“Then things will be hard for you. Harder than they have to be. And your mother . . .” His voice fades, but the threat hangs.

My eyes narrow, skin tightening and prickling. “What about my mother?”

He glances over his shoulder as if he could see her wherever she stands in the house. “There’s no love for her. They blame her for taking you and Tamra. There’s talk of banishment—”

I inhale sharply. “That’s not fair. I’m the one—”

“She took you away. You didn’t leave on your own. Come on, Jacinda. Would any of this have happened without your mother hauling you off to some desert?”

I swallow thickly and look back out the window. I hate that I can’t argue this point with him. Hate that I see his logic, as cruel as it is.

“None of us is an island. Think about that. The actions of one affect all.”

I guess this is how I’m not like the rest of them. Why I’m the one who has endangered us all.

I lightly brush my mouth, speaking through my fingers. “Don’t you get sick of it? Don’t you ever want what you want? Don’t you think you deserve that once in a while? Why must you put the pride first above everything? Above the life of one? Do you ever draw a line? You can rationalize the sacrifice of one, but what about when it’s two? Three? When do you say enough?” I shake my head.

Cassian stares at me. “It’s the way we are. It’s how we’ve survived this long. The fact that you even question it when no one else does—” He cocks his head to the side. “But then maybe that’s what makes you so special. Why I’m even here talking to you. Why I care at all.”

I swallow against the tightness in my throat and hold his stare. “So you”—I struggle for the right word, a word that won’t make my face heat unbearably, and settle on—“you like me because I’m the kind of person that puts us all in jeopardy?”

That rare smile plays about his lips again. “You’re not dull, that’s for sure.”

“Cassian.”

My nerves snap tight as Severin himself steps inside the room beside Cassian. The two of them . . . in my room. Not something I ever envisioned. Cassian is one thing. Severin, another.

Mom hangs back behind Severin, her face hard with defiance. I guess whatever they discussed did not sit well with her.

“We’re finished here, Cassian.”

Severin’s gaze rests on me. I feel myself shrinking inwardly. But I don’t show it. I force myself to hold his stare, pretending he doesn’t make feel weak and shaky inside, that I don’t deserve censure.

Severin waves Cassian to the door. “Wait for me outside.”

Cassian sends me a lingering look and then departs.

Mom moves more fully into the room, her thin arms crossed over her chest. She’s lost weight. I wonder how I could have missed this. She always had curves before.

Severin looks at her coldly. “I would like to have a word with Jacinda.”

“Then you’ll have to do it in front of me.”

Severin’s lip curls up over his bone-white teeth. “You’ve already proven yourself a mother of dubious parenting, Zara. No need to behave as though you care for your daughter now.”

A stricken look flashes over my mother’s face before she manages to mask it, but the paleness is still there, making her eyes stand out like giant gleaming pools.

Since Dad was killed, Tamra and I are all she has. Every decision she makes is in our best interest . . . in what she thinks is our best interest. She might have made a few mistakes, but I never doubt her love for me.