Valorous(87)

“One way to find out.” Fluff lifts her head to check on me. I give her a pat to settle her and place the call.

He answers on the fourth ring. Hearing his voice takes me right back to the dark days after the attack, when he’d been a big part of the group who put me back together. Dr. Curtis Bancroft specializes in post-traumatic stress and counseling sexual assault survivors.

“This is Curt. Hello?”

“Dr. Bancroft… This is April. April Genovese.” He’s never known me by my new name, as I stopped seeing him before I changed it.

“April,” he says on a long exhale, “it’s so great to hear your voice. I’ve been worried sick about you. I really hoped you’d call. How are you?”

“I’m doing surprisingly well, all things considered. Am I catching you at a bad time?”

“I’m on vacation in the Caribbean with my family, but I’m very happy to talk to you.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive. So you got married! That’s wonderful news. That’s going well?”

“Yes, Flynn… He’s amazing. He’s been very sweet and understanding.”

“Is this the first relationship you’ve had?”

I know he means sexual relationship. “Yes.”

“April? Are you coping with everything?”

“I think so. I’m able to… to make love with him.”

“That’s wonderful. And are you able to enjoy it?”

God, it’s embarrassing to talk about such personal things, even to someone from whom I have few secrets. “Yes, it’s … It’s incredible. I love it.”

“I’m very happy to hear that. You’ve worked so hard to get free of your past, and I hope you’re giving yourself permission to be happy.”

“I am. It’s just… Flynn, he… Well, I had a flashback on our wedding night. He… He held down my hands, and…”

“That was a trigger for you?”

“Yes! I didn’t even think about that until he did it, and then I totally lost it. And now… He’s so afraid of it happening again. He’s holding back. I told him that having sex with me is like juggling dynamite. You never know when it will blow—and not in a good way.”

His low chuckle rumbles through the phone. “While that’s an interesting metaphor, if your husband loves you—”

“He does. I have no doubt at all about that.”

“Then I’m sure he’s just trying to be careful as you get used to your first sexual relationship.”

“A few times, before he knew everything about what happened to me… He was different.”

“How so?”

“He was more unrestrained, earthy… He said things and did things.”

“Did you like that?”

“Yes. I liked it because it was Flynn, and I trust him. But since the thing with my hands, he’s… different. I worry that there are things he wants, and I’ll never know because he’s afraid to tell me.”

“Have you talked to him about this?”

“Sort of. It’s hard, though. This is so new to me. And his friends… Well, one of them at least, is into some really hard-core stuff, which makes me wonder what Flynn is interested in. I sound ridiculous because I can’t even find the right words to describe all this to you. How will I ever talk to him about it?”

“You’re doing a great job explaining it to me.”

“That’s easy. You’re not my husband. And I ran into his ex-wife at the SAG Awards.” I go on to tell Curt what Valerie said to me.

“Wow, well… You have to remember the source is someone who has an ax to grind with him—and with you.”

“I know. I’ve thought of that. But she’s got me wondering.”

“It sounds to me as if he truly cares for you, and when I saw you together on TV, he was very attentive.”

“He does, and he is. He’s more than I ever hoped to dream possible.”

“Then trust him, April. Trust him to know how to be what you need. But he’s not a mind reader. He can’t know what you’re thinking if you don’t tell him.”

“It’s strange to be called April after all this time.”

“Do you prefer Natalie?”

“I’m not sure what I prefer. It’s weird to be talking about April when I’ve been Natalie for so long now.”