Valorous(86)

At this point, I have to acknowledge that what I am doing counts as snooping. I found the laundry room and checked out the amazing closet. If I open these drawers to see what’s inside them, I will cross a line that can’t be uncrossed. But I can’t seem to help myself. I want to know what all this stuff is for.

I look down at Fluff. “What would you do?”

She barks, which I take to mean, “Go for it.”

“You’re a bad influence. You have no moral compass whatsoever.”

Her reply is two more sharp barks that sound like agreement.

I can’t explain what makes me do it. This is way out of character for someone who has kept to herself and out of other people’s business for most of her life. Because I kept a low profile, no one paid much attention to me, and I liked it that way. I have no experience at all in minding other people’s business.

But I want to know what’s in those drawers, so I walk over to them and begin opening them. They are filled with a variety of objects I don’t recognize—most of them rubbery materials in odd shapes and sizes. In the second drawer, I find more of the same, only these are shaped like penises—very big penises. Why in the hell does Hayden keep large rubber penises in his house?

The question makes me giggle nervously. Does Flynn know about this? The thought of telling him only adds to my nervous laughter. In the third drawer, I find shiny metal objects that look like clips of some sort alongside feathers and strips of velvet.

I take another long look around the room, at the oddly shaped weight bench and the big cross that takes up most of the space. On the wall, wooden paddles that look like oversized Ping-Pong paddles hang next to what might be a collection of riding crops. Affixed to the ceiling are a series of ropes attached to pulleys. “What the hell, Fluff?”

Then I open the bottom drawer to find boxes of condoms and bottles of lubricant. “Oh my God.” Suddenly, I want out of there. I’ve seen more than enough to ensure that I’ll never again be able to look Hayden Roth in the eyes.

I shoo Fluff from the room and go grab the laundry. As I start the wash, I try not to think about what I saw in Hayden’s secret room. What does it mean? How does it work? What does he do with all those items? With the washing machine running, I go downstairs, my mind racing as I try to process it all.

I go straight to the laptop in Hayden’s office and begin poking around online, my curiosity only growing as I realize that what I’ve stumbled upon is Hayden’s “playroom.” I learn that these rooms are frequently found in the homes of sexual dominants.

Clicking from one website to another, I follow a trail of information and pictures that make my eyes pop out of my head. People actually do this stuff? I see a woman stretched over what I now realize is a spanking bench while her “Dom” uses a paddle on her ass. Another woman is strapped to the St. Andrew’s cross with clamps on her nipples. A chain connects them as well as the one that’s apparently affixed to her clitoris.

I cross my legs against the tingle between them. What would that feel like? How badly would it hurt? Or would the pleasure override the pain? My curiosity leads me to click on videos that demonstrate how the equipment upstairs is used in sexual situations. I cannot look away.

By the time I come up for air, two hours have gone by. I make a point of clearing the browser history on the computer before I stand on trembling legs and leave the office with more questions than I had going in. I now know that the smaller rubber and glass objects are butt plugs. That had been what Valerie meant when she asked if Flynn had “plugged” my ass. My whole body tingles at the thought of that. Does the tingling mean I want it or that I don’t?

I’m such a neophyte when it comes to sex. I stayed away from men and anything to do with sex for so long that I lack the context I need to satisfy my curiosity. Judging by the heat between my legs, however, I’m incredibly aroused by what I’ve seen. Does that mean I want to try it?

Not necessarily. The thought of being tied down or shackled makes me feel light-headed—and not in a good way.

The most pressing questions I have after seeing Hayden’s room and two hours of “research” are whether my husband is into the same things as his best friend, and how will I ever work up the nerve to ask him that?

I need help dealing with this situation. Professional help. I scroll through my contacts for a number I haven’t called in six years. When I moved into my new cell phone, Natalie’s phone, I made sure to include the number just in case I ever needed it. I’m not even entirely sure it is still his number.