Untamed (Thoughtless #4)(86)
It made me feel any even sicker, but I couldn’t tell her the truth. Not completely. Not yet. I needed to ease her into the truth, give it to her gradually, in pieces, so she didn’t panic, so I had time to think of a backup plan. With that in mind, I decided to tell her something I should have told her a while ago. She’d be upset, but not nearly as upset as she should be. “Uh…Harold called…I sort of have bad news.” I had to swallow the sudden lump in my throat. Fuck. I’d been so close to having everything I’d ever wanted.
Anna’s face fell, and she placed her fingers over her chest, like her heart was pounding and she was trying to calm the organ down. “What? Is there a problem with the show?”
Forcing a smile to my face that I hoped looked realistic, I shook my head. “No, no…it just got pushed back. They’re going to use it as a midseason replacement. You know, when one of the other shows fail. Harold said not to worry, that tons of successful shows get their start that way. It doesn’t mean anything.” But the show being cancelled does. Fuck.
Anna didn’t seem to know how to process that. She seemed concerned but didn’t know if she should be. “Oh…well…are they still paying you the same? Even though the show has been delayed?”
You mean, are they still paying me next to nothing? And have we used up the little that they did pay me by renting this McMansion? Yes. “Oh yeah, we’re fine there, babe. No worries.” Shit. I was so f*cked.
Anna inhaled a deep cleansing breath. After she let it go, she murmured, “It will be fine, it will be fine, it will be fine…” By the way she said it, it was clear this was a chant she repeated often. She left without another word, and a bitter despair washed over me once she was gone. What the f*ck did I do? What the f*ck do I do? How do I fix this?
I didn’t have an easy answer for that. In fact, the only answer I could come up with…was to try to get on another show. Anna would flip if I told her I was jobless and auditioning though, and she was already holding on by a thread, I could tell. I’d already f*cked up so much for her, and I couldn’t admit what a disaster my master plan had been, and the fact that I didn’t have a decent backup to that plan. So to save face, and my marriage, I did a really horrible thing. I flat-out, no-way-to-deny-it, deceitfully, horribly, shamefully lied to my wife. I lied to her, to save us, because I knew it was all over if I didn’t. And I couldn’t comprehend us being over. Just the thought of her walking out on me made me feel like I’d inhaled a handful of glass shards; every breath hurt.
The Monday after Kiera left, when Anna was chipper and recharged, I told her the “good news.” Grabbing her waist, I pulled her in tight, and prepared myself to do something I didn’t think I’d ever have to do again. “Hey, I wanted you to be the first to know…the show got picked up for a full season! I’m going in today to begin filming the rest of the episodes.” Please forgive me for this.
Anna’s jaw dropped in surprise. “Wow, babe, that’s great!” The pride on her face made the nausea and remorse return. This show was supposed to be my shot at greatness. Now look at me.
She squeezed me tight, which was a good thing, because I was sure I looked pretty damn guilty at the moment. Pulling back, she asked, “So when is the show going to be on?”
Not able to meet eyes with her, I swished my hand and looked around for my coat. “Uh, January, I think. I don’t know yet…I gotta go, babe.” I felt sick as I left the house, and I even dry-heaved in the driveway, but I didn’t have a choice. I needed time, and now I had until January. Hopefully by then I’d have something better lined up.
Auditioning was tougher than I thought, and after going to a few of them, I had to give my brother Liam props. I had no idea what I was doing, and that was plain as day to the people running the auditions. In fact, I was beginning to wonder if Harold would have given me Ace’s part if he’d bothered auditioning me for it. By the way I was being ripped apart on an almost daily basis, I doubted it.
Every day, I was getting more and more frustrated. And every day, I avoided my wife as much as I could. I left for my “job” early in the morning and got back home as late as I could. I even went “in” on the weekends to avoid being at home. I just couldn’t handle the feeling in my stomach whenever I was around my family. It was like my gut was lined with razor blades, and every time they looked at me with pride in their eyes, my muscles clenched and those blades sliced me open. I couldn’t take it, so I made sure I wasn’t around.
Since I didn’t actually have a job, and I couldn’t fill up all the hours in the day with auditions, I hung out a lot. I went to bars, strip clubs, all-you-can-eat buffets…wherever I could veg for hours at a time. I even drove to Vegas once…or twice. Anything to occupy my day. Sometimes I shopped, and then I’d leave the trinkets for Anna and the girls around the house, for them to find while I was “working.” The small gestures helped alleviate my guilt, and Anna always texted me smiles and kisses after she found them, but she didn’t like how much I was gone.
“I never see you anymore. I know what you’re doing is important…but they are going to let you come home every once in a while, aren’t they?”
I sighed into the phone as I sipped on my beer. I was such a f*cking dick. “Work comes first, babe, you know that. But don’t worry…they’ll give me time off for the holidays.” God, I was beginning to give Matt a run for his money in the douche of the year category.