Unravel(53)

We sit there in silence. When I first came here I thought Mary was some uptight nurse who couldn’t care less what happened to me.

I realize now how wrong I was.

I tap my shoulder against hers. “Thank you,” I whisper.

She smiles. Her hand disappears from my shoulder as she stands up.

“Where are you going?” I say.

I like her company. I love her words. I want more of both.

“You need something to make you sleep,” Mary says.

She leaves. I sit there quietly. I stretch out my legs, just like Mary did. I don’t have pockets, so I just cross my arms. I don’t move a muscle. I’m hoping that if I mimic her movements, some of her strength will rub off on me.

It doesn’t.

Mary comes in a few seconds later. Pills in one hand. A small cup of water in the other. She holds them out to me. “Here you go.”

I take them numbly. Mary helps me up and I lay back down, waiting for the pills to do their job,

Mary walks to the door. Before she closes it, she says quietly, “Sleep well.”

I turn on my side and stare at the wall.

Doesn’t she know? I don’t sleep.

I dream.



26—WHITE COTTAGE

I haven’t seen Lachlan in a year.

It felt like the life was being slowly sucked out of me. Most days I felt like I had no value, like I was a penny dropped on the sidewalk. When I felt that way I instinctively turned for Lachlan. Not having him there felt like I was missing a limb.

Last summer he came home for a quick weekend visit. Since he had graduated college, he’d stopped coming home for the holidays. His visits were next to none and I was resentful. I was sad. I was jealous because I wanted all his time. He was busy with his internship and I knew that. He was working hard. He was making his own money, and saving every dollar.

“Don’t be mad, kid,” he had said to me.

Kid. When I was ten I used to like the nickname, but now I was starting to hate it.

I crossed my arms and looked up at him. “Can’t you upgrade me to a different nickname? I’ve officially outgrown ‘kid’.”

He glared at me, a hard look in his eyes. “That’s all I call you!”

“Well, call me something different… oh… I don’t know, call me by my name?”

He shrugged but looked away. Thirty minutes later he was getting back into his car and driving back to his job and his apartment and his single life. I hated that I would be reduced to e-mails, texts and calls.

I watched him go and it felt like I had been standing here all 365 days, waiting for him to come back.

And now he was here. Finally.

I pulled on the reins of my horse and watched him. His back was turned as he talked with his dad. I wanted to call out his name right then, but I kept my mouth closed.

I tried to imagine what he would see if I did call out his name. Would he see young Naomi with braids hanging down her back and her knees scraped? Or would he see me as I am now? The braids were gone. I was taller. My legs were longer. My chest that used to have a ‘little something’, turned into a lot of something. My eyes that were once too big for my face, now looked just right. My cheekbones, the ones that I thought were too sharp and awkward looking on my face, now fit. I felt good about the girl who looked back at me in the mirror.

I knew that it was inevitable that Lachlan would also change. But he looked better than I could have ever imagined. His shoulders were broader. His hair was cut shorter. The longer strands on top were mussed from the wind. My heart twisted so tightly at the sight of him I thought it would break into a million pieces. I vowed to myself right then and there that I would never let myself go this long without seeing him again.

When he crossed his arms and kicked his head back to laugh loudly, I couldn’t hold my happiness in any longer.

“Lach!” I shouted.

I was off my horse in seconds and walking toward him with quick steps. I didn’t care that my blonde hair was probably crazy from the wind. Or that my cheeks were red from the cold air. None of that mattered because he was finally back.

Lachlan turned with a bright smile on his face. My heart did a little flip and I smiled back. As I walked closer though, his smile started to fade. He looked me up and down with his eyebrows drawn tight. When I stopped in front of him he said nothing. Just stared at me like he had never seen me before.

“That you, kid?” he finally said.

I tilted my head up to look at him and frowned. I had barely said two words to him and something already felt different between us.

“Stop calling me that.”

A faint smile was on his face but it was strained. Tight and controlled. “You’re different.”

“I’ve grown up,” I said.

“You have,” he agreed.

Not for one second did I imagine that we would ever struggle to talk to each other. I’d just assumed we would pick up where we left off the last time. But the last time was long ago. Too long ago. There was a silence between us that had never been there. I wanted it gone. I hated it.

“I’m so happy to see you,” I said in a rush.

I didn’t wait for permission. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his waist. Lachlan’s body tensed for a second before his arms hesitantly banded around my shoulders. We stood there, with our arms wrapped around each other. I had dreamed of being this close to him so many times and not letting go. He always hugged me, but it was always a friendly hug. More like a pat on the back. But we were past a few seconds and his arms were still around me. Butterflies that I always seemed to get when he was around had disappeared and instead, my body just tingled in every single spot that was pressed close against Lachlan. My nose brushed his throat and I smelled his scent instantly. It was outdoors, mixed with cologne. It was a heady scent to me—one that drudged up memories and reminded me that Lachlan’s arms were home for me. My fingers clutched the material of his jacket tightly.