Unmarriageable(52)

‘Look, Val,’ Hammy said, ‘you have to knock some sense into Bungles’s head. Jena will not do. Even if my entire family was willing to overlook Jena’s hailing from a low-class prostitute, which we aren’t, her family has issues. They are unsuitable girls from an unsuitable family.’

‘True.’ Darsee pursed his lips. ‘True.’



Alys fled Kaleen’s cloying overtures, only to find him following her and Sherry following him. Before she’d even set her plate down at her family’s table, he was enquiring yet again if he could select her prawns. Alys’s annoyed gaze met Jena’s beseeching one: Bungles was sitting next to her. He was talking about whale-watching off the California coast and the aurora borealis in Alaska, two destinations on the NadirFiede honeymoon itinerary, which was available at each table in lamination for everyone’s viewing pleasure. It was clear from Jena’s face that he had yet to propose and that she was beginning to panic.

Dinner was fast coming to an end and the walima ceremony to a close; if he did not propose soon, there would be no more events at which he could do so. Yet Bungles did not seem like a man about to propose. He was busy eating falooda, taking dainty bites of the vermicelli in rose syrup and milk, all the while smiling at Jena with what anyone would only describe as utter devotion. No wonder Jena was losing her mind. Their mother was frantic, Alys could tell, from the way her eyes were darting all over Bungles, as if darts could prick him into action.

And then there was her father. Goga and Tinkle Binat had indeed arrived with great pomp and show but, luckily, boasting to all of the million weddings at which their appearance was vital, had left early. Mr Binat had been terrified at encountering them and yet, when they’d completely ignored him, he’d become despondent. He sat now, his hand cupping his chin, utterly dejected and asking, every so often, what he could possibly have ever done to deserve his brother’s conduct.

Alys would have ignored her family’s behaviour as usual were it not for Darsee, who kept walking by them to get to the buffet. Each time she saw him, she thought of the book in her bag, his fingers on hers. Why did he keep coming this way? The one time Bungles had gone to the toilet, Mrs Binat loudly instructed Jena that, the second she became Mrs Bungles, she was to search for equally suitable boys for her sisters. Another time Darsee passed them, Lady’s soda spilt down her bosom, which she’d patted dry most indecorously. The last time Darsee had descended on the buffet, Mari was giving yet another female guest with a bare midriff a lecture on how women should not be upset over Islam’s injunction to dress chastely, because the same was commanded of men.

From the corner of her eye, Alys spied Darsee coming their way again, this time with Hammy, Sammy, and Jaans.

‘Hello, all.’ Jaans waved at the Binats. ‘How is everyone? Enjoying the prawns?’

Kaleen turned to the new arrivals. ‘My good name is Farhat Kaleen. I am a recent England return. I am a physiatrist.’

‘Psychiatrists are more than welcome in this loony bin of a Lahore,’ Jaans said.

‘Physiatrist,’ Kaleen stressed. ‘Physiatrist. I deal with rehabilitation of the body in the event of accidents and chronic pain, and I am setting up private practice.’

There was a lull before Bungles took it upon himself to introduce his group.

‘Valentine Darsee?’ Kaleen’s eyes grew huge. ‘Nephew of Begum Beena dey Bagh?’

‘Guilty as charged,’ Darsee said.

‘I have been longing to meet you, sir!’ Kaleen grabbed Darsee’s hand and swung it vigorously. ‘Your ’unty Beena is my great benefactress. Have you guessed who I am? I am your cousin Annie’s doctor! Dr Farhat Kaleen. It is thanks to me that she has made startling improvements. By God, when I first saw her I thought she would not last the night, and now she sits upright and is showing an interest in fashion shows again. I’ve been encouraging her to return to modelling – why not, why should a cane stop her or anybody? Your dear cousin Annie calls me her miracle worker. Though I must say I have a model patient in Annie. Ha-ha. Model patient, no pun intended. Valentine Darsee! Such a pleasure to meet you! Had I known I was going to meet you here, I would have …’ Kaleen stopped for a second, unsure of what he would have done differently. ‘I trust we will be seeing much of each other, for, given Annie’s health, I am frequently at your ’unty’s most grand estate, the Versailles of Pakistan.’

Darsee extracted his hand from Farhat Kaleen’s grip and perfunctorily announced, ‘It’s time to go.’

‘Say goodbye to your friends, baby bro,’ Hammy said. ‘Up. Now.’

‘What’s the rush?’ Bungles said, gazing at Jena, who was staring dully into her lap.

‘The rush,’ Sammy said, ‘is we have to get ready for Fazool and Moolee’s New Year’s party.’

Bungles rose, but before relief could settle permanently on Hammy and Sammy’s faces, he invited Jena to the New Year’s party: could she go?





CHAPTER THIRTEEN





Hammy smacked Bungles’s shoulder once again for good measure and mimicked Mrs Binat, who’d risen like a peacock spreading its fan: ‘“Of course Jena may go; she’s all yours. But surely you cannot expect young Jena to go without a chaperone, so she will be happy to be accompanied by all her sisters.”’ And then she imitated Bungles’s response to Mrs Binat: ‘“But of course, I meant to invite them all.”’