Unmarriageable(51)

‘Sammy doesn’t like prawns,’ Hammy said.

‘Shame on you, Sammy-whammy,’ Jaans said to Sammy, ‘to dislike prawns in the face of such abundance. Darsee, did you hear Nadir’s honeymoon plans? I told him, “Cheethay, leave some countries for another time,” but, no, he wants to take Fiede on a world tour she’ll never forget. Wife, when are you taking me on a tour I’ll never forget?’

‘When you deserve it.’ Sammy glared at Jaans. ‘I hate seafood.’

‘Eat the naan.’ Jaans shoved bread at her. ‘Since you’re being ungrateful, it’s all you deserve.’

‘I’m getting dessert.’ Sammy flung the bread onto Jaan’s full plate. ‘Thankfully, you can’t force prawns into desserts.’

‘Let’s check on Bungles first,’ Hammy said. ‘The mother might have devoured him by now. Fortunately, Jena herself is standoffish; otherwise that brother of ours seems ready to be a doormat.’

‘Jena is just shy,’ Jaans said. ‘I’ve known girls like her. Too scared they might say something wrong and end up losing the proposal.’

‘There is no proposal,’ Hammy said.

‘And,’ Sammy added, ‘don’t you dare put such a notion into Bungles’s head, Jaans.’

‘I don’t have to,’ Jaans said. ‘He’s not a child. What Brother Bungles is, though,’ Jaans made a rude face, ‘is a doormat, a zun mureed, a woman worshipper who will be perfectly happy to be a joru ka ghulam, a slave to his wife. He’ll put her on a pedestal and expect them to be best friends.’

Sammy made a wistful face; she wouldn’t mind an uxorious husband for herself.

‘So what?’ Darsee asked Jaans.

‘So,’ Hammy said grimly, ‘all the more reason Bungles needs to marry someone we can mould to our liking.’

‘That’s disgusting,’ Darsee said. ‘Would you like to be moulded?’

‘I’d like to see someone try,’ Hammy said, gazing into Darsee’s eyes.

‘Brother Bungles,’ Jaans said, ‘is fully aware how lucky he is to have found a girl as beautiful as Jena Binat still single.’

‘Have you ever wondered,’ Sammy sneered, ‘why Jena the Beautiful is unmarried?’

‘Why?’ Jaans asked.

‘Yes, why exactly?’ Darsee said.

‘Far be it for me to indulge in gossip,’ Hammy said, looking up at Darsee, ‘but Sammy and I have it on excellent authority that her mother belongs to a very bad family.’

‘What are you talking about, Hammy?’ Darsee frowned.

‘They say,’ Sammy said, ‘Pinkie Binat’s ancestors come from a background of prostitution. Pre-partition, but still.’

‘Who says?’ Darsee said.

‘Everyone,’ Hammy said. ‘They say it wasn’t even at the level of a courtesan but, rather, a cheap back-alley tart. Honestly, before I began investigations into the mother’s family for Bungles’s sake, I didn’t even know there was a hierarchy of prostitutes. I thought they were all equal.’

‘Where’s the proof they come from that?’ Darsee said.

‘Tinkle Binat told me. Why would she malign her own family?’

‘Because,’ Darsee said, ‘the Binat brothers are estranged.’

‘Estrangement,’ Sammy said, ‘doesn’t mean you concoct dirty ruinous rumours about your relatives.’

‘Where’s concrete proof,’ Darsee said, ‘that any of us truly descends from our claims?’

‘I’ll give you proof in the Binats’ case,’ Hammy said. ‘That mother of theirs might dress well, but the second she opens her mouth her style of talking, her demeanour, everything, speaks of an unsavoury ancestry. She’s all raspy and graspy like vamps and prostitutes in films. Like mother like daughters, I say, though you can detect the lack of breeding the most in Lady.’

‘Tone of voice is hardly proof,’ Darsee said. He put down his plate.

‘It’s not not proof,’ Hammy said. ‘There’s nothing to disprove they aren’t slut spawn.’

‘What a pleasant phrase,’ Darsee said. ‘Is it original?’

‘Thank you! Yes!’ Hammy said. ‘Now you’ll understand why Sammy and I have always felt so sorry for the Binat sisters. They can dress like Audrey Hepburn as much as they want, but it’s not going to confer class on them. Tinkle Binat told me’ – Hammy lowered her voice for effect – ‘that Pinkie’s lineage was the real reason for the brothers’ rift. Goga Binat demanded his brother divorce her, but Bark Binat refused on account of his five daughters, and so what choice did Goga and Tinkle have but to disinherit them and banish them to D-bad.’

‘Honestly,’ Sammy said, ‘you should always tell the truth about your origins, especially in matters matrimonial, or be ready to face the consequences.’

‘If this is true,’ Darsee said, ‘then it was good of Bark Binat to stick by his wife and daughters even if it meant losing his inheritance. They’re not her daughters alone. They’re his too.’

Hammy and Sammy exchanged a look.

‘That puts a nice spin on the whole wretched business,’ Sammy said.