Unbreakable (City Lights, #2)(107)

“Of course not. But I was too shell-shocked to say anything.” I covered my eyes with my hand. “God, Li, I’m terrible, because as much as what Drew suggested shocked me, that very night I slept with Cory again. Only this is where it gets worse. Or better. Or… I don’t know what.”

Lilah sat back in her seat, her expression dark. “What happened?”

“In the bank and on the night of his birthday, Cory was…everything I wanted. Fire. Passion. Heat. He wanted me, and I had gone so long without feeling that kind of desire, that I had almost forgotten what it was like to just be held and grabbed, to give and take, to lose myself in his body. But the next night, the last night. Sunday night. He was deliberate and considerate, and…”

I averted my eyes, my voice sinking to a whisper. “He made love to me in the purest sense of the phrase. And I…I made love to him. And God, it was beautiful. I’ve never experienced anything like it.” I looked up at my friend. “That’s when I got really scared.”

“Because you love him,” Lilah said. “You’re in love with him and you don’t know what to do.”

I sat back, unable to speak, feeling those words wash over me.

Lilah gave me a look. “Alex?”

“I…I don’t know,” I whispered. “I told myself it was everything else. Anything else. That therapist—I practically demanded a diagnosis that explained why I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Why I feel so content when I’m with him. So…happy. And I know what you’re thinking.”

“What am I thinking?” she asked gently.

“That I should have broken up with Drew first, but I didn’t know I wanted to break up with Drew. I still don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.”

“No, you mean you don’t know if you can despite the fact it’s the right thing to do.”

I shook my head. “Cory probably hates me. It may be too late for…him and me…if there is such a thing. If I break up with Drew and Cory won’t talk to me, then what do I have?”

“You have you!” Lilah set her glass down as hard as she could without breaking its slender stem. “You don’t call it off with Drew so you can have Cory or vice-versa. You call it off because you can’t marry a man for whom you feel nothing.”

“I don’t feel nothing,” I said. “I love Drew—”

“Yeah, and I love my accountant,” Lilah said. “Platonic love does not a marriage make.” She crossed her arms over her blouse. “Is it a money thing? You’re afraid of slumming it with a poor guy?”

“No. No. I don’t care about that at all. What Cory’s had to deal with…that’s part of what makes him so incredibly wonderful. He works so hard and he’s accomplished so much despite everything. He just keeps going and working and pushing, never giving up. That’s a different kind of hard work than I’ve ever done, and I admire him so much…”

I heaved a tremulous breath. “No, it’s everything else. I’ve been with Drew forever. Our lives are intertwined in every possible way. We share the same friends, the same colleagues. We’ve been together through college, through graduations, Bar exams...He’s part of the fabric of my life. For six years. Six years. The idea of tearing it all apart—the wedding too, don’t forget that—it just…it scares me to death, Lilah. I’ve never felt so scared.” I hung my head in my hands. “Everything is turned upside down.”

“Seems pretty clear from where I’m sitting,” Lilah said gently. “You can’t marry Drew. You know that, right?”

I sat up, pushing my hair out of my eyes. “What happens if I don’t? I could lose everything.”

“Was everything so great in the first place?” Lilah poured us more wine. “To be fair, I felt the same as you when I caught Ted with his little intern. I worried that if I divorced him, I’d lose it all: our friends, connections. And guess what? I was right to feel scared because that’s exactly what did happen, to a certain degree. But I know I did the right thing. I’m twenty-seven years old, Alex. I’m too young to settle for Ted’s bullshit, and old enough to know I don’t have to.”

She leaned forward, took my hand again.

“Was it an affair, Alex? Or was it more than that? Is Cory worth fighting for? Because if he is, a fight comes with casualties. That’s unavoidable.”

“Are you one of the casualties, Lilah?” I asked. “Do I lose you if I make the wrong decision?”

“No,” Lilah said. “You don’t lose me. You can’t. I’m in it for the long haul.”

“Me too,” I said. “I want you to know that, Lilah. That no matter what happens…”

Lilah held up her hand. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Alex. I’d rather have you as a ghost than a flake.”

“What do you mean?”

“What about your job?”

“They offered to make me a partner.”

“Uh huh. Exactly. I don’t see you now, I sure as hell won’t see you then. Not even at Monday lunch. I’m done with the Posse. Your engagement party—if you still have one—is probably the last time I’ll see them. The only reason I kept going was because it was the only time I could see you. But I can’t do it anymore. It’s not good for me. So, if you take that partnership, and go back to working seventy hours per week, I don’t really see how things are going to be better between us. That’s not me being demanding, that’s just a fact. You have no time for me, for you, for anyone.”