Touched (The Untouched Trilogy #2)(44)
“That’s huge for you to acknowledge that. I’m happy for you. That you had that time with your mother and I hope you keep your heart open to more times like that, regardless of whether or not it’s me you choose to do that with.”
I couldn’t imagine even attempting this with anyone other than him.
“When I left my family so many years ago, I left a way of life and I had no intentions of going back to it. Ever. I left with two thoughts. I would never be hurt by it again nor would I allow a man to do to me what my father had done to Mom. So I buried all associations with either of those possibilities – no meaningful relationships with men and breaking some of the ties to my family.”
I turned and walked toward the window looking at the darkness and the small sprinkle of stars as I continued. “I felt guilty for leaving. I knew they needed me. I heard them screaming out to me … to come back … to help them and I tried. I tried…but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it anymore,” I said, turning to face him. I watched as his face twisted, feeling the pain in my words.
“Every day that I was there was miserable. I had hoped that Mom would snap out of it but those hopes became day after day of disappointment. When it gets to a point when a person expects to be disappointed, to be let down or bailed on, it changes you. It created a fear of embracing anyone, of allowing anyone to get too close.”
“I can understand that but that’s life Aria. We all face those same possibilities.”
“Life … yeah. I’ve seen this life take what I love … like a leaf fluttering in the wind, I sat and watched the wind blow it away. There was nothing I could do but sit and watch. It was out of my control. That’s why I decided that control was the only way to accommodate my needs. I wanted to pull the strings – never giving it a chance to get to a point where I could get hurt. I walked around every day with my guards up thinking that someone was going to hurt me so I made sure I kept everyone at arm’s length. At the end of the day, I had exactly what I wanted ... nothing and nobody. That solution wasn’t full proof but it was effective … until I met you.”
“Sorry for throwing a monkey-wrench in your program,” he said, lightening the moment.
“I know you’re kidding but that’s exactly what you did,” I said. “And I didn’t want any part of it.”
“And there was nothing about me that made you want to at least try? The feelings that I know you had for me. You’ve never said the words, but I know you love me. And that had to have had some type of effect.” he said.
“Aiden, when your heart’s been broken in a million different pieces, you’re not able to recognize the feeling of love, especially if you’ve never had it in a romantic sense. And when your love found a way to filter its way through one of the tiny cracks, it felt somewhat intrusive and very disconcerting. And now that I know who you really are, I find myself with yet another dilemma – fitting into your world. Considering a relationship with any man to this degree would be a challenge but with someone like you, it’s added additional layers of complexity.”
“Aria, you needn’t worry about that. That shouldn’t be the reason – as a matter of fact, I will not let that be the reason that we don’t give this a try especially considering that we’re obviously to a point where the other obstacles are being quietly pushed away.”
“That’s easy enough for you to say, but it’s much different for me,” I said.
“Explain.”
I didn’t feel comfortable unveiling another insecurity to him, but I knew I had to if this discussion were to be of any use. I recalled Raina telling me that she thought that Aiden was a fish out of water when it came to me. I’d been too hurt and angry to give that any consideration, but I think she was right. He and I both were trying to find our way through unchartered waters.
“I never felt as though I fit in anywhere. I think it started when Dad left; he and I were very close. And when he left there was no one at home I could identify with. My sisters were too young and Mom … well you know. Soon after that, I started to feel as though I didn’t fit with my friends, which is probably the real reason I only have one friend. Then there’s the fact that I’m bi-racial. When people look at me ... it’s as if they’re trying to figure out who or what I am. Funny thing is … I do the same thing and to this day I still don’t know. Until you entered my life, I really thought I knew but when I look in the mirror now, I see a stranger staring back at me. I feel as though I morph into someone different with every situation. I don’t know who I am. What I find so surprising is that I don’t even know who I want to see in the mirror anymore.”
He had that look that I’d seen once before when I opened up about myself. He felt sorry for me. I hated seeing that in his eyes. I turned away and continued. “Don’t look at me like that.”
He turned me to face him, forcing me to gaze into his beautiful green eyes. “You do fit … in more ways than you can imagine Princess.” He reached up and stroked my cheek. “Don’t you understand that you’re perfect? Wherever you are, you fit perfectly. No matter whom you’re with or where you are ... you belong and you need to know that you belong.” A silly smile crossed his perfect lips stifling a laugh. “As for feeling sorry for you ... give me a break. If anything – and I may lose my man card for saying this – I’ve found you to be intimidating at times.”