Toe the Line(29)

I swallowed. Busted.

She sighed. “I often think about what it would be like…to be with you. I have no clue whether you’re even attracted to me. I know you don’t do relationships, so I wasn’t trying to insinuate anything more than just...” Noelle looked down at her feet.

She was being so honest right now. I owed her the same. “Noelle, I think you’re beautiful. Truly. My reaction last night had nothing to do with a lack of attraction. Your face, your body have definitely been in my mental spank bank multiple times this summer. I never would’ve admitted that before last night. But I feel more comfortable being open about it now, since you put it all on the table. I still think it would be a bad idea, though—if we went there.”

She nodded almost frantically, trying to zip her hoodie up again, though it wouldn’t go any farther. “Totally. Like I said, I’d thought about it but would never have suggested it if I weren’t drunk.”

“You’re not drunk right now, though. Be honest. What if I’d said yes last night? Would you still want to go through with it today, now that you’re sober?”

Her face reddened as the seconds passed without a response. “Yeah. I would.”

“Fuck,” I muttered. “Okay. I was kind of hoping you’d say no.”

“Why? It’s not gonna change anything anyway. You said it would never happen. So now I have to work on making things not awkward between us again. That will probably take years.”

“Why would you want to waste your first time on me?”

She looked out toward the ocean. “Because I trust you—not necessarily with my heart or as a boyfriend, but as a friend I trust you. And I feel like I could…”

“What?”

“Learn from you—without feeling stupid for my lack of experience. I feel like you’d have my back, if that makes sense. I wouldn’t feel unsafe having sex with you as a learning experience.”

I let out a shaky breath. “You want me to teach you how to have sex?”

“No,” she muttered. “I mean…not if you don’t want to.”

I should’ve put a stop to this conversation. But instead, I was listening. I was aroused. My body was here for it, even if my conscience wasn’t. “I’m not saying I wouldn’t want to do that for you, Noelle. But this is about what’s truly best for you. Messing with me? Complicating our relationship? It’s not a good idea.”

“You’re right. It’s a very bad idea. But you asked me to be honest about what I would want, and I answered. Sometimes what we want is a bad idea.”

My eyes fell to her lips, and suddenly all I wanted was to devour them. But my brain still tried to resist it. “Okay.” I let out a long breath as I placed my hands on my hips. “Then it’s settled. It’s a bad idea. And we’ll just forget about it.” I looked into her eyes. “Okay?”

Noelle spoke under her breath. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” I forced a smile.

As we walked back to the house in silence, I sensed this conversation was far from over.





CHAPTER 11


NOELLE


PAST



AFTER MY CONVERSATION with Archie this morning, I had to talk to someone, so I’d called my friend Ashley to fill her in. I’d just finished telling her how I’d made a mess of my relationship with him. Running a hand through my hair, I paced. “I can’t believe I blurted that out last night.”

“Well, you could’ve told him you didn’t remember saying it. Why were you so honest the next day?”

“I guess I still wanted him to consider it.” I covered my face. “What the hell is wrong with me?”

“You’re horny and hot for him, and you don’t know what to do about it.”

“Yeah, but shouldn’t our friendship matter more to me than wanting to have sex with him? I don’t want him to think I was trying to use him. I just wanted the experience—with him. Even if nothing more came of it. But I still shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Well, you did. You can’t take it back. So own it. Don’t avoid him. Just try to work your way back to how things were without doing anything else to make the situation weird.”

“Yeah. I plan to try. Summer is half over. I don’t want to waste this precious time. He really does mean a lot to me. I’m just afraid I ruined everything.”

“Here’s an idea,” she said. “Maybe try to focus on something else for a little while.”

“Like what?”

“It sounds like you started the summer hanging out with all these different people—until you became obsessed with Archie. You need a breather, I think. Go flirt with someone else.”

Maybe she was right. I needed to break the cycle.

? ? ?

That night, I headed down to the beach alone—without checking in with Archie first. I’d had to force myself to act in a way that went against what I really wanted. Although avoiding him wasn’t difficult after the awkwardness of this morning. A break is necessary, I told myself.

Even though nothing had been happening between James and me, I made a point to go right to him at the beach, immersing myself in conversation. I tried to be interested in everything he had to say. And when Archie showed up later, I didn’t look in his direction even once. It’s for the best, I told myself.