Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(70)

I smiled that she still couldn’t say it. The memories of our intimacies flooded through me, but I let them flow right out. I could give that up, if it meant I got to keep her. I stroked her cheek, wishing it was more, but knowing it never could be. “I need to be close to you, Kiera. This is the best compromise I can offer you.” A burst of wickedness flashed through me, and the words escaped my mouth before I could stop them. “Or I could just take you right here on the couch.”

Stiffening on my lap, it was clear she didn’t find my suggestion funny. “I’m joking, Kiera.” I sighed.

She shook her head. “No, no you’re not, Kellan. That’s the problem. If I said okay…”

I smiled as the thought of making love to her again clouded my senses. “I would do whatever you asked.” Anything. Everything. Just say yes.

She looked away from me, exposing her neck. I trailed my finger along her cheek, down to her collarbone, and then to her waist again. She was so beautiful…Kiera looked back at me with a sharp glare, and I gave her a sheepish grin. This was going to be harder than I thought. Much harder.

“Oops…sorry. I will try.” I promise. Just give me a chance. Things were so good between us before. I want that back. No, I need it. Please, Kiera.

She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t object anymore either. I took that as a sign that she was considering it. I hoped so. I resumed stroking her hair, and eventually the repetitive motion lulled her to sleep. I smiled as I watched her eyes close. As much fun as it was to rile her up, to leave her squirming with desire and panting for breath, having her like this, calm and peaceful, was nice too, in a different way. I wanted to experience every emotion with her. Well, all the good ones at least.

When it was clear she was deeply asleep, I shifted her off my lap and stood up. She was still sleeping, but she had a frown on her face, like she missed me. I wondered if she’d dream about me. The thought made me incredibly happy. I wanted to invade her subconscious, just like she’d invaded mine. Leaning down, I scooped her up. She sighed in contentment and nuzzled her face against my chest. I closed my eyes and savored the moment. We could be so great together, if she’d just let me in. And maybe now she would begin to. Really, that was all I could ask of her.

I tucked her into her bed, then stared at her for the longest time. If she woke up and found me watching her like this, she’d probably think I was mentally disturbed. I wasn’t. Just in love. It felt good to admit that. If only I could admit it to her, then maybe she’d have an easier time believing that I wasn’t using her, or only interested in sex. It went so much deeper than that. But I couldn’t say those things. The words just wouldn’t come.

I left her sleeping in her room and headed out to go meet up with the guys. We had a gig tonight at Razors, and I was actually looking forward to it. I felt hopeful, for the first time in a while, and it lightened my heart, and my mood. I was joking around with Matt when Evan asked me about it. “You seem different. Not as melancholy as you were a while ago,” he said. “Something happen?”

Shrugging, I nodded over at Griffin. He’d just taken a drum off the van, and he was looking around like he had no idea what to do with it now. “Yeah. Clueless over there is actually lending a hand for once. That’s a modern-day miracle. Who knows what could happen next? World peace. The end of hunger. The Huskies and the Cougars getting along. Anything is possible. Except maybe that last one.”

I laughed as I pulled a guitar out of the van. Evan narrowed his eyes but didn’t ask me anything else. I kind of felt bad for avoiding his question, but I couldn’t tell him the truth. I was in love with Kiera. She saw me. She understood me. Well, she understood the parts of me I let her see. She meant everything to me, and wrong as it was, I couldn’t wait to see her again.

The next morning, Kiera came downstairs while the coffee was brewing. She hadn’t done that in a while. She’d been avoiding being alone with me, and as far as I knew, she hadn’t had coffee since the espresso stand; I still couldn’t think of coffee without thinking of her moaning beneath me. It was a damn shame that was over with.

I turned to greet her when I heard her enter the room. Her hair was messy and disheveled from sleeping, and she was still wearing her pajamas—lounge pants and a tank top. As usual, she wasn’t wearing a bra with it, and her firm breasts were clearly outlined beneath the tight fabric; her nipples were rigid peaks in the early morning chill. She was breathtaking. And completely oblivious to that fact, which made her even more enchanting.

“Mornin’. Coffee?” I asked, pointing to the pot.

She gave me a dazzling smile that made my heart skip a beat, then she slipped her arms around my waist, making my heart beat harder. Her touch surprised me so much, I stiffened before I relaxed into her embrace. God, it felt amazing to have her arms around me again. I never wanted to let her go.

Her gorgeous eyes were a tranquil green this morning when she looked up at me. “Good morning. Yes, please.” She indicated the coffeepot with her head.

Peace washed through me as I gazed down at her. Yes, this was what I really wanted. “You aren’t going to fight me on this?” I asked, pulling her closer.

She gave me a smile that matched the calmness I was feeling. “No…I missed this.”

I leaned in to place a soft kiss on her neck, but she gently pushed me back. “We do need ground rules though…”