Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(63)

My happiness disintegrated as I pulled back from her. I fixed my clothes, then sat back on my heels. Grabbing my shirt, I held it in my hands since I couldn’t put it on yet. My back was bloody, I could feel it. She’d cut me with how badly she’d wanted me, and now she looked like she might vomit. I’d just had the most profound physical connection that I’d ever had with someone, and she looked like she was going to throw up. Because…she didn’t love me. This was a mistake. Again. All I would ever be to her was a mistake. Fuck. I’d told her I loved her, and she looked like her world had just ended.

While Kiera put her underwear back on, my body shook with a cold that had nothing to do with the temperature. She dressed herself one-handed while she used her other hand to clamp her mouth shut, like if she let go, she’d immediately get sick. Anger brewed within me as I watched her put her shirt back on. God, was I so disgusting to her? Was what we’d done so repulsive?

When she was dressed, she sniffled and said my name. “Kellan…?”

I hadn’t moved, hadn’t helped her, hadn’t lifted my gaze from the floor. I couldn’t. I was shocked by her reaction. And angry. She’d duped me again. I looked up when she said my name. My eyes were wet, but I didn’t care. I’d risked everything for her…my friendship with Denny, my sanity. I’d put it all on the line, because I’d believed I’d actually found someone in this world who cared about me. And here she was, devastated. She didn’t care. She still didn’t care, not like I needed her to. It killed me that I’d betrayed Denny again, for nothing. I should have gotten in my car and driven away. I could have been out of the city by now. That had been my plan; why hadn’t I stuck to it?

“I tried to do the right thing. Why couldn’t you just let me leave?” Why aren’t I strong enough to walk away? Why am I so f*cking selfish? Why am I still in love with her?

She started crying again. Grabbing her jacket, she stood and prepared to leave. I stared at the floor again, wishing I could crawl through it. I wanted nothing more than to disappear. Suddenly, I heard Kiera gasp. She made a move toward me, and I understood why; I could feel the blood dripping down my back. She’d just realized what she’d done to me. Yes, Kiera. You tore me, so much deeper than you realize.

Not looking up, I told her, “Don’t. Just go. Denny has probably noticed your absence by now.” And he’s the one you want to be with, right? I don’t need your sympathy. I need your love. But that, you’ll never give me.

Kiera turned and fled the stand, and then I was alone. Again.





Chapter 13





Stay or Go?




I stayed in that espresso stand for what felt like hours. I heard people come and go, and had to assume that one of the cars leaving the lot had Kiera and Denny inside it. My skin stung as my shirt brushed against my cuts when I put it back on, but I welcomed the pain. It was a reminder that I was an idiot. I deserved to have my heart bashed in. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

As I walked to my car, I recalled the moments before Kiera and I had caved. She’d begged me to stay. The first girl in my life who’d asked me to stick around. The first person ever. Even my own parents had never asked me to come back when I’d run away. No, instead they’d sold the house, moved, and tossed all my shit. They’d thrown me away, and that was what I expected from everyone else. But Kiera…she’d cried for me. Sobbed. Her tears had been genuine…she couldn’t fake emotion like that.

I stumbled to my car, disoriented by my conflicting thoughts. I hated her. I loved her. She didn’t give a shit about me. She cared so much, she’d cried. Okay…so what the f*ck do I do with all of that? And did any of it matter? She was still Denny’s girl. He’d still been the one to take her home. He’d won, and a part of me wanted it that way; after what I’d done behind his back, he deserved to have it all—the career and the girl.

Climbing inside my car, I started it, then pulled out of the parking lot. I wasn’t sure where to go. My options were endless, but the results were all the same. Anywhere I took off to, I would be completely alone. That really only left one option.

A set of watery hazel eyes filled my vision. Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me. She’d begged for me to stay. She’d given herself to me, even though Denny had been less than a hundred yards away. That had to mean something…and I would never know what if I left. She might very well be the first person to ever have feelings for me. She might just be confused, because she had feelings for Denny too. We’d had a real moment together tonight. We’d spoken real emotions, real fears. She wasn’t playing me, she wasn’t faking. She wasn’t a whore or a bitch. She was confused, hurting, and scared…just like me.

My heart softening, I relaxed into my seat. What if we were more alike than I realized? What if she was only with Denny because she didn’t like being alone and she didn’t know any other way? Or what if she loved him, but she felt something for me too? Could I share her with him? Would that be better than nothing, better than being empty and alone? Denny could have the majority of her, but I would get small, tiny fragments…like tonight, when she’d asked me to stay. Could I live with just that much?

I wasn’t sure, but I knew one thing. I couldn’t leave. The pull to her was too strong now. I’d missed my window of opportunity. I was here for good now, to see this through, one way or another. And I knew it would hurt. It would probably be the death of me. But…life was overrated anyway, and a second with her was better than decades on my own. If my life was destined to be a sea of emptiness without her, then I was glad to give it up.