Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(60)

My patience snapped. Exactly. Nothing. I was nothing. I am nothing. And staying here and pretending nothing happened is f*cking insane. Something did happen, and it meant something to me. You mean something to me, so seeing you play house with Denny while you pretend I don’t exist is no picnic. It f*cking sucks.

Setting down my glass, I stood up. Staying was pointless, I was out of here. “Tell Denny that I was feeling ill…” I considered adding on to the lie, but I didn’t even have it in me to do that. Let him think what he wanted. With a shake of my head, I told her, “I’m done.” I’m absolutely, completely, 100 percent done with this shit.

As if she understood that I wasn’t talking about merely hanging out tonight, that I was done with all the chaos of my life, Kiera slowly rose from the table. I narrowed my eyes as I watched her, daring her to speak. Go ahead, call me out. I don’t f*cking care. When she didn’t say anything, I turned and headed out the gate. It figured that she had nothing to say.

I was halfway to my car in the parking lot when I heard the gate crash closed and heard Kiera yell my name. “Kellan! Please, wait.”

There was panic in her voice, and it shot straight to my heart. I can’t wait for you when I never had you…

Slowing, I looked over my shoulder and sighed. She was practically running to catch up to me. Why? What did she care if I left?

“What are you doing here, Kiera?” What are you doing out here, what are you doing with me? What the f*ck am I to you?

She grabbed my arm, turning me toward her. “Wait, please stay.”

I batted her arm away. She didn’t have the right to touch me. She shouldn’t touch me. She only cared about Denny. I saw that every time they spoke, every time they kissed. She loved him. I stared at the sky before meeting her eyes. I felt like I was losing my mind. “I can’t do this anymore.” I’m going insane, because I love you, and you don’t give a shit. So why are you here, staring at me like that?

Her wide eyes searched mine. She looked scared. “Can’t do what…stay? You know Denny would want to say goodbye to you.” Her voice trailed off, like she knew this wasn’t about Denny. Not really.

Pain gnawed at my stomach. I couldn’t lie. I couldn’t give her a snide response. I couldn’t even laugh it off. I was drowning in pain, and truth was my only outlet. “I can’t stay here…in Seattle. I’m leaving.”

Just saying the words tore me apart. I didn’t want to go, but staying here with her wasn’t an option anymore. It would be like willingly dunking myself in boiling water. Impossible.

Tears sprang into Kiera’s eyes. She grabbed my arm again and held on with a fierceness I’d never seen from her before. “No, please, don’t leave! Stay…stay here with…with us. Just don’t go…”

She started to sob, and the tears ran down her cheeks like rivers. I’d only ever seen her this upset about Denny. When he left she’d cried like this. Why was she crying for me? No one ever cried for me. No one. “I…why are you…? You said…” I swallowed back the confusing emotions that were making speech impossible. Why was she crying? What did this mean? I didn’t want to hope, but a trace amount of the feeling was bubbling up through the despair. Did she care about me? Honestly care?

I stared past her. I couldn’t watch the confusing tears anymore. “You don’t…you and me aren’t…” You don’t care about me. I know you don’t. Do you? “I thought you…” You love him. I was a mistake. I’m the only one who cares here, that’s why it hurts so much.

Exhaling a steadying breath, I met her eyes again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been cold, but I can’t stay, Kiera. I can’t watch it anymore. I need to leave…” My voice trailed off in a whisper as horror flashed through me. I’d told her the truth. I’d put my heart out there, and she could cut me. Again.

She looked shocked by my confession, but that was her only reaction. Grief welled in me. No, she didn’t care. I turned to leave, but she yanked my body into hers and yelled, “No! Please, tell me this isn’t because of me, because of you and me…”

“Kiera…” Yes, that’s exactly what this is about.

She brought a hand to my chest and stepped closer to me. The tenderness and proximity sent a shock of desire through me. I still wanted her. I still loved her. It eased the pain, but not the confusion. “No, don’t leave because I was stupid. You had a good thing here before I…”

I retreated from her by a half step. It was the farthest I could push her away, because I didn’t want to push her away. I wanted her closer…so much closer. “It’s not…it’s not you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You belong to Denny. I never should have…” I sighed as the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. This was never her fault. All this time I’d been angry at her, and I was the one to blame. I had known she loved Denny. I had known she was masking her pain with me. But she hadn’t known that I loved her. She hadn’t known she meant anything to me at all, so how could she possibly have known that she’d hurt me? I’d vanished right afterward, then grown cold, then grown distant. She was never mine to take. She was Denny’s, and I was a bastard for ever going there. “You…you and Denny are both…”