Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(184)

She started to lace our fingers together, but I pulled away and averted my eyes. It was too wonderful, too comfortable. It would be so easy to cave, to give myself over to her. But I didn’t want to fall again. I didn’t want to get hurt again. Distance was good.

“Why are you here, Kiera?” I asked, returning my eyes to hers.

She flinched under my words, like she was hurt by them, and she seemed uncertain what to say. “My sister” was what she ended up saying. Right. Anna dragged her to a show. That was the only reason she’d shown up. She wasn’t here for me…

I turned to leave and she grabbed my arm and yanked me back to her. “You…for you.” Her voice was brimming with panic.

I searched her face, looking for the truth. “For me? You chose him, Kiera. Push come to shove…you chose him.”

She pulled me closer to her as she shook her head. “No…I didn’t. Not at the end, I didn’t.”

Denial? Really? That’s her game plan? “I heard you, Kiera. I was there, I heard you clearly—”

“No…I was just scared.” She put a hand on my chest, and her ever-changing emerald eyes searched mine. “I was scared, Kellan. You’re…you’re so…”

“I’m what?” I stepped into her so our hips were touching. Sparks began igniting around us, as they always did.

Kiera stared into my eyes and began to speak; I could tell from her expression and the tremor in her voice that she was speaking straight from her heart. “I’ve never felt such passion, like I feel when I’m with you. I’ve never felt this heat.” She lifted her hand from my chest to my face. “You were right, I was scared to let go…but I was scared to let go of him to be with you, not the other way around. He was comfortable and safe and you…I got scared that the heat would burn out…and you’d leave me for someone better…and then I’d have nothing. That I’d throw Denny away for a hot romance that would be over before I knew it, and I’d be alone. Flash fire.”

Understanding crashed over me. She was insecure, and insecurity was certainly something I could understand, but after everything I’d told her about me and my past, with everything that she knew she meant to me…how could she think that I would do anything other than cherish her?

I lowered my head to hers, and our chests pressed together. “Is that what you think we had? Flash fire? Did you think I’d just throw you away if that fire died?” As if it ever would. Not for me, at any rate. I shifted my leg between hers and her breath sped up. We were so close; she smelled so good. “You’re…the only woman I’ve ever loved…ever. You thought I’d toss that out? Do you really think anyone in the world compares to you in my eyes?”

“I get that now,” she murmured, “but I panicked. I was scared…” Her chin lifted and our lips brushed together.

It was too much. I took a step back. She clenched my arm to stop me from leaving. I gazed at the floor before looking back up at her. Why did I have to love her so much? Why couldn’t I walk away? “You don’t think this scares me, Kiera? Do you think loving you has ever been easy for me…or even sometimes pleasant?” It was a nightmare and a fantasy all rolled up in one. Kiera looked down, my words stabbing through her like daggers. I didn’t want to hurt her, but now wasn’t the time to hold back. She needed to know just what she’d done to me. What she continued to do to me. “You have put me through hell so many times that I almost think I’m crazy for even talking to you right now.”

A tear rolled down her cheek, and she started to move away like she was leaving. Grabbing her shoulders, I held her against the wall. I didn’t want her to leave yet. I wasn’t ready. When she looked up at me, another tear rolled down her skin. I brushed it away with my thumb, then I cupped her face and made her look at me.

“I know what we have is intense. I know it’s terrifying. I feel that too, believe me. But it’s real, Kiera.” My hand drifted from my chest to hers. “This is real and it’s deep, and it wouldn’t have just…burned out. I’m done with meaningless encounters. You’re everything I want. I’d never have strayed from you.”

Her hands came up to reach me, and I stepped away. I wasn’t ready for that either. Sadness filled me as I gazed at her standing a foot away from me. She’d said goodbye to me in that parking lot because of fear, and now I had to do the same to her. And it broke my heart. Again. “I still can’t be with you, though. How can I ever trust that…?” My gaze fell to the floor, my voice faded to a whisper. “That you won’t leave me one day? As much as I miss you, that thought keeps me away.”

She was worried about me straying…but she was the one who’d slept with Denny after telling me she loved me. Right after I’d told her I couldn’t stomach the thought of sharing her, she’d lain with him. While I understood how confusing the situation had been, I couldn’t quite get over the fact that she had, in an odd way, cheated on me.

Kiera took a step toward me, her voice apologetic. “Kellan, I’m so—”

My eyes snapped to hers. “You left me for him, Kiera, even if it was just some knee-jerk reaction, because the thought of us terrified you…You still were going to leave me for him. How do I know that won’t happen again?”