Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(163)

“Ugh…Kiera.” Grabbing her other cheek, I held her face tight in my hands and stared her down. This isn’t as hard as you’re making it. Stop thinking, and listen to your heart. Be brave…cut the rope…and let one of us fall. “Choose right now. Don’t even think, just choose. Me…or him? Me or him, Kiera?”

Eyes locked on mine, she whispered, “Him.”

In the back of my head, I heard a heavy iron cell door slamming closed, and I knew my heart was forever locked inside it. I’d never open up again. I’d never love again. I would never risk this pain again. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, crushing me. I couldn’t breathe, stars danced in my vision, and I thought I heard my father laughing in the distance. She chose him…

A hot tear splashed on my cheek, and I knew it was only the beginning. There would be many tears tonight. “Oh,” I muttered. Was the light getting dimmer? Was I about to pass out? I would almost welcome that. I wanted to pass out and never wake up.

Releasing her face, I willed darkness to overwhelm me. My chest was being cracked open, my brain was being liquefied. Please…someone take me away from this torture.

Kiera clutched my jacket and pulled me toward her. “No, Kellan…wait. I didn’t mean—”

Anger momentarily dimmed the agony. “Yes, you did. That was your instinct. That was your first thought…and first thoughts are usually the correct ones.” Closing my eyes, I swallowed and pushed the anger aside. What good was getting mad at her? It wasn’t her fault. Denny was a good man, the better man…She was being smart by choosing him over me. Why would anyone choose you? my father’s voice asked. “That’s what’s really in your heart. He’s what’s in your heart…” And he should be.

Kiera grabbed my hands and held them tight while I took a few calming deep breaths. I didn’t want our last parting to be a screaming match. I wanted to say goodbye like I’d planned. Stoically. Opening my eyes, I said in a surprisingly calm voice, “I told you I would walk away, if that was your choice…and I will. I won’t make trouble for you. I always knew where your heart really was anyway. I never should have asked you to make a choice…there never was a choice to make. Last night, I did hope that…” Sighing, I stared at the pavement. No point in dwelling on what was never actually going to happen. “I should have left ages ago. I was just…being selfish.”

Kiera made a noise that sounded like a scoff. “I think I give new meaning to the word, Kellan.”

Smiling, I looked up at her. Yeah, perhaps she did. We both did. “You were scared, Kiera. I understand that. You’re scared to let go…I am too. But everything will be fine.” It has to be. “We will be fine.” How am I going to live without her?

We wrapped our arms around each other and squeezed as tight as we could. I never wanted to let her go, but I knew I had to. One of us had to. “Don’t ever tell Denny about us. He won’t leave you. You can stay at my place for as long as you like. You can even rent out my room if you want. I don’t care.”

She pulled back to look at me, and I could see the fearful question in her eyes. Was I leaving? Yes. I was. For good this time. “I have to leave now, Kiera…while I can.” Tears were falling down her cheeks, one after another. Feeling that my own cheeks were wet as well, I dried hers as best I could. “I’ll call Jenny and have her come get you. She’ll take you to him. She’ll help you.” You won’t be alone.

“Who will help you?” she asked, her voice soft with compassion.

No one. Swallowing down that painful truth, I ignored her question and continued providing her with happy thoughts to think about when I was gone. “You and Denny can go to Australia and be married. You can have a long, happy life together, the way it was supposed to be. I promise I won’t interfere.” My voice cracked. I’m going to miss you…so much.

Kiera didn’t want to hear about her life, she wanted to know about mine. She wanted to know I would be okay. “What about you? You’ll be alone…”

I know. With a sad smile, I told her, “Kiera…it was always supposed to be that way too.”

She put a hand on my cheek in pain and understanding. “I told you you were a good man.”

Was I? I didn’t feel like one. “I think Denny would disagree.”

She threw her arms around my neck again and we rested our foreheads together as a sad, slow beat drifted over the fence to us. It felt wholly appropriate that a melancholy song was playing right now. Would my life ever be anything but melancholy now? “God, I’m going to miss you…” I don’t want to go…

Kiera clenched me tighter, and her words were frantic when she spoke. “Kellan, please don’t—”

I knew what she was going to say, and I quickly cut her off. “Don’t, Kiera. Don’t ask me that. It has to happen this way. We need to stop this cycle, and we both seem incapable of staying away from each other…so one of us needs to leave.” Feeling my willpower fading, I rocked my head against hers and spoke faster. “This is the way Denny doesn’t get hurt. If I’m gone, he may not question your lie. But if you ask me to stay…I will, and he’ll eventually find out, and we’ll destroy him. I know you don’t want that. I don’t either, baby.” I want to stay. I want to stay. I want to stay.