Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(135)
Sitting back on my heels, I pulled her onto my lap. Closing my eyes, I simply enjoyed being near her. I ran my hand down her hair, wishing we could stay like this forever. We couldn’t though. We didn’t have much time at all, and once we left this room…nothing would change. She was still Denny’s. Now was all we had. All we’d ever have.
I could sense Kiera pulling away, but I wasn’t ready for her to go yet. Holding her close, I whispered, “No, please…stay.”
Kiera froze on my lap and awareness flooded me. She was so close, and it had been so long since I’d held her. Even though sadness had soured my mood, desire was creeping in. Would there ever be a time when I didn’t yearn for her? Probably not. As our breaths filled the still air, I slowly opened my eyes to look at her. Her cheeks were rosy and streaked with recent tears, but her eyes were hooded as she stared at me. The flame between us was mutual; she wanted me as much as I wanted her. I think that only made this harder.
Her eyes darted over my face, taking me in. “I miss you, so much.”
She seemed surprised by her admission, which made it feel genuine. I rested my head against hers. God, I’ve missed you too. I want you…so much. “Kiera, I can’t…” I can’t be hurt again. I won’t survive it. “This is wrong, you’re not mine.”
“I am yours.” Her breath washed against my face, as intoxicating as her words.
My heart seized in my chest and a small whimper escaped me. “Are you…?” I asked, my lungs hardly functioning anymore. When did breathing become so hard?
Looking up, I met her eyes. It was now or never. Make a move, take a risk, or run away. I was tired of running from her. “I want you so much…” I wanted everything. Our friendship. The way she looked through the bullshit and saw the person beneath it. Our walks through the campus. Our flirty banter. The way she smiled at me. The way she cared, when no else did, or had, or ever would again. She was everything to me. My reason for being.
I was expecting her to push me away again, but she didn’t. Tears in her eyes, she whispered, “I want you too.” She’d never admitted that to me like this, with a clear head. It stunned me, overwhelmed me, and made me love her all the more.
I repositioned us so she was lying on the floor, with me on top of her. Hovering my lips over her mouth, I debated if I could do this. Could I put my hand in the fire again, knowing I would get burned? If I took this road with her, would she follow through with me, or would she shove me away again? I had no way of knowing, and it scared the shit out of me.
Maybe seeing my uncertainty, Kiera shook her head and started opening her heart. “I’ve missed you so much. I’ve wanted to touch you for so long. I’ve wanted to hold you for so long. I’ve wanted you for so long. I do need you, Kellan…I always have.”
Her words were heaven to my ears, but I still didn’t know what she wanted. I couldn’t go through that vicious cycle again. I searched her eyes, hoping to see just a spark of what I felt for her reflected back at me. I needed to know that if we did this, if we crossed this line again, she would still be there on the other side of it. That right or wrong, she would stand beside me as an equal participant. No blame. No guilt. “I won’t…I won’t be led on again, Kiera. I would rather end this than be hurt by you again. I can’t…” I can’t handle another rejection.
Her fingers reached up to grab my face. “Don’t leave me. You are mine…and I’m yours. I want you…and you can have me. Just stop being with all those—”
My guard up, I pulled away. So that was what this was about? “No. I won’t be with you because you’re jealous.”
Her hands returned to my skin, pulling my face down again. Mimicking a move that I had done on her before, she slid her tongue under and along my upper lip. I shivered in delight. She felt so good. No. Yes. “Kiera…no. Don’t do this to me again…”
Kiera paused with her mouth almost touching mine. “I’m not, Kellan. I’m sorry I pushed you away before, but I’m not saying no anymore.” Her tongue returned to my lip while my mind spun. She wasn’t saying no? I could have her? Whenever I wanted? What about Denny? Could I handle sharing her with him? Yes. Not being with her was worse than any other fate I could think of.
When her tongue was only halfway along my lip, I crashed my mouth down to hers. God, she tasted good, felt good, smelled good. I’d missed this so much. A nagging thought picked at my mind as our mouths moved together. I stopped kissing her and pulled back to look at her. What am I doing? My breath became shallow and fast as I made a split-second decision. If she was going to do this with me, then she was going to know the truth. She was going to know how I felt about her. I couldn’t let her believe this was a casual fling, that this was just sex to me. It went so much deeper than that. There was no casual here. I was all in, and she needed to know that.
Terrified of the words I’d never spoken to another human being before, I whispered, “I’m in love with you.” She started interrupting me, but I didn’t let her get very far. If I didn’t say this now, I never would.
Bringing my hand up to her cheek, I gave her a kiss as tender as my words. “I’m so in love with you, Kiera. I’ve missed you so much. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I say awful things to you. I’m sorry I lied about your sister…I never touched her. I promised you I wouldn’t. I couldn’t let you know…how much I adore you…how much you hurt me.”