The True Cowboy of Sunset Ridge (Gold Valley #14)(74)

“Yeah. Been thinking, though.”

“You?”

“Yeah. I’m adopting Lily.”

“You’re adopting Lily.”

“That’s what I just said. There’s no need to repeat me. Waste of time.”

“I’m just shocked,” he said.

“Yeah, well, I keep feeling like I should be. Like I ought to be completely stunned by the fact that I decided to take on being a father. But with everything ... I don’t see another way that it could be. I don’t see another reason for me to be here. I don’t... Because the more that I pull away, the more that I try to make my whole life about achievements and all of that... The less it makes sense to me. Being here with you and Callie makes sense to me.” Mallory made sense to him, but he wasn’t going to say that.

“I’m glad to hear you say that, but... I feel like there’s a but.”

“No but.”

“I guess I’m just surprised because... You know, everything that. I mean, I’m going to be a dad someday. Callie and I are going to have children once it fits in with what she wants, but there’s just a whole lot of... Shit, you know? Because of how Dad was going to leave us.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot about that,” Colt said. “Thinking a lot about Mom. It hurts to do that. It hurts too much. But I have to think about it. I have to go over it. I have to. Because it’s the one thing I haven’t done. I play out all that trauma. Being on the plane, getting off the plane. But I never think about who they really were. It’s easy to focus on how we lost them. It’s easy to think of Dad’s...those plane tickets after. But I was with him on the plane. We talked before Mom got there. I think he might’ve changed his mind, Jake. I really do. I think he was going to stay.”

“We don’t know that.”

“No,” Colt said. “We don’t. We can’t. Just like I can’t know... If you all would’ve been better off if I would’ve stayed on the plane and Mom would’ve gotten off. I can’t know and I can’t change it. I keep wanting a guarantee. I keep looking around trying to find some final, extra firm sense of purpose. I can’t lie—Lily is giving me that. I can’t lie. But it’s more than that. It’s more than just finally being able to say, hell, I guess I’m supposed to be here because I can take care of this kid and make sure she turns out all right. I don’t even know if that’s the grand plan. There’s probably a thousand people that would be better at taking care of a kid. But I... I’ve got to choose this. I got to choose this moment, because of fear. I’ve got to step up to it. Not just because she needs it, but because, hell... I think I need it. More than I can possibly articulate or understand. I need to be in this moment. I need to be the man for her. I can’t have guarantees. But somewhere in there, I just hope that Dad... That the moment I had with him on the plane before I got off, when he said that he wanted Mom to go, I have to hope that he was deciding to be the best man that he could then. And I have to trust it.”

“How?” Jake asked.

“I don’t know. But it’s like you deciding to love Callie, I guess. At a certain point you just have to choose to believe. In something bigger than yourself. It’s something better.”

“Yeah, but you’ve always believed. I’m the one whose faith suffers sometimes.”

“I haven’t always found the comfort. Because yeah, I’ve always believed. That someone—probably God—was guiding something, but I couldn’t see my place in it. A lot of times I felt like it was a joke, or a mistake. And it was random, maybe I wouldn’t feel like I needed to find a purpose. But it never felt random. So I searched for the meaning of everything. I was always looking for actions. I was staying the hell away from feelings. Because feelings are... Feelings are the problem. But now I think feelings are the point. I thought brave was throwing myself into the rodeo. I thought brave was taking risks. But it’s not those kinds of risks that make a man brave. It’s this,” he said, touching Lily’s back. “This is what makes you brave. Deciding to try something when you don’t know if you can handle it. Deciding to be strong when you don’t really know if you’re strong enough. You’re the right man for the job. You become the right man for the job because the job is there. As you do it. And that...” He shook his head. “That’s what I hope our dad did. That’s what I hope he was.”

“I’ve always admired your faith, Colt. And I admire it even more now.”

“We have to choose a story. Because we don’t know what it was.”

“I guess you’re right about that,” Jake mused.

“But it’s not me that’s really impressive. I’m choosing a better story. But you know... You chose to make a life with Callie—that’s pretty damn brave.”

“Yeah, not easily. You remember. I wasn’t exactly a poster child for going quietly into loving feelings.”

“Because it’s hard,” Colt said. “It’s hard.” He shook his head. “Mom used to...used to say that I was brave. I’d write songs about everything I felt, wrote it all down. And she said... That’s brave, Colt. It’s a damn hard thing to talk about what you feel. I quit doing it. Because it hurt too much. Because I quit being brave. When they died, I just lost it. I told myself it was brave enough to go and ride bulls. I thought... I’ll go make you proud, Mom. I can still show you what I can do. But I want to be the kind of brave that she would’ve wanted me to be. Somehow, it all connects. It just, it does. Believing the best. Opening myself up to things. Talking to you. It really annoyed the hell out of me when you started talking.”