The Resurrection of Wildflowers (Wildflower #2)(26)

Tears burn my eyes. I moved on thinking he truly didn’t want anything to do with me and all this time…

“Why are we like this?” I ask the heavens more than him.

“Not everything is clear cut in life, Salem. Sometimes things blur and we fuck things up. We’re all human.”

“I still loved you, but I married someone else. I thought you were over me and that I had to move on, so I did—and this whole time … this whole fucking time.” I stand up, facing him. “Do you not see how fucked up this whole thing is?”

“Believe me, I know.”

I cover my face with my hands. “We’re quite the pair,” I mutter.

“You had every right to move on,” he says softly, carefully. “I didn’t leave you with any hope that we’d get back together. I know you loved Caleb … it makes sense that you went back to him.”

“He deserved better.”

I loved Caleb, still love him in a certain way, but that doesn’t change the facts. He wasn’t Thayer, he never could be, some loves are only once in a lifetime. I know he made his choices, just like I did, but it doesn’t mean I don’t regret feeling like I dragged him along. I never meant to, but I’m not sure that makes it any better.

“Sit down,” he pleads, pointing to the spot beside him I got up from. “You’re getting worked up.”

“Of course, I am!” I throw my hands in the air. “I’m a shitty person. I ruined his life.”

“It doesn’t make you a shitty person to move on with your life. I know you, Salem, and you wouldn’t have married him if you didn’t have genuine feelings for the guy so stop punishing yourself. I loved Krista and even though we didn’t make it, I don’t think for a minute I ruined her life, or she did mine. We weren’t meant to last but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t something valuable in what we had. Stop punishing yourself.”

Stop punishing yourself.

His words strike deep, like they were meant to, and he’s right—my time with Caleb might not have been meant to last forever, but that doesn’t mean it was cheap. I did love him, we had a good life together.

“I’ve hated myself so much,” I finally admit out loud.

He reaches for my hand and takes it, tugging me forward. “You have to stop.”

“I don’t know how.”

“It’s not always easy to forgive yourself—there is no step-by-step process. Just remember no one is perfect.” He lightly touches my cheek with his other hand. “At the end of the day, we’re all human, and not a single one of us is better than another.”

I know he’s right, but it’s easier said than done.

“Sit down,” he says again, softer this time. “Life’s too short to constantly be stuck on the past or obsessing over what ifs. We have this.” He waves to the world around us. “We have now.”

I know he’s right, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Settling beside him, I rest my head on his shoulder and we watch the last of the sun disappear together.





CHAPTER 20





SALEM





Staring at the text from Thayer, something sinks in my stomach.

“Is something wrong?” My mom notices my expression change from normal to worried.

“Oh, yeah, I’m okay. Nothing’s wrong.” I put my phone back in my pocket and return to folding laundry.

“You can’t bullshit your mother, Salem. Out with it.”

Those mom senses really are too good sometimes. “It’s nothing, really.”

“I’ll pry it out of you eventually.” She coughs, her throat dry. “You might as well tell me.”

I know she isn’t going to let it go. “I got asked out on a date. He just texted a day and time to see if it was okay.”

“So, why did you look so ill? Is he not a good guy?”

“It’s not that.” I add a shirt to my stack.

“Then what is it? You’re not giving me a lot to go on here. I’m dying, time is of the essence.”

I pick up a pair of cutoff shorts. “I wish you’d stop saying that.”

“Why? It’s true. Tell me about this guy, please. I need the distraction.”

I’ve decided maybe her constant need to remind me that she’s dying is her own coping mechanism. It doesn’t make much sense to me, but I guess whatever makes her feel better.

Lowering my head, I whisper, “It’s Thayer.”

“Thayer? Next door Thayer?”

Shockingly, she doesn’t sound that surprised. More excited than anything else.

“The one and only,” I reply, moving the shorts to the growing pile.

“He’s a good man, but what’s the problem?”

I look up at the ceiling, fighting the burn of tears in my eyes. “It’s too soon,” I say, which is partially true.

The other reality is, that there’s a stone sinking in my gut because I can’t, not in good conscience, go on a date with Thayer before I tell him about Seda. I’m tired of this hanging over me, I have to put the truth out there, but I don’t know how.

I don’t say any of that to my mom, though. She doesn’t know about my past with Thayer, and I’m not ready to divulge that. I’m aware I might never get the chance to tell her, but again, there’s no way I can tell her the truth before I tell Thayer.