The Lie(87)

“No, it doesn’t. But neither does she. And if I have to choose, then it’s no contest. I choose her.”

“So what are you going to do?” Lachlan asks as he begins to cut into his roast. The man can’t keep his appetite in check for long. “What can you do?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know. Telling you was the first step. The next step… I think I have to tell the school.”

“Tell them what?” my father asks. “That you were seeing a student?”

“Yes,” I say. “And if it works out, that hopefully I will be seeing her again. Look, I can’t let her go and I won’t let her go. Life rarely gives you second chances like this.”

“But what if you tell them and they fire you and you don’t get her back,” Kayla points out.

“Always the optimist, aye?” I say to her. “In that case, at least I did all I could. I’m not giving up without a fight.”

My words fall over the table, bringing everyone into silence where we finally enjoy our meal. It isn’t until later, when Lachlan is leaving, that he pulls me into a bear hug.

I have to say, it surprises me.

“What’s that for,” I tell him, pulling away.

His brow is furrowed as he stares at me, a million creases on his forehead. “It’s because I know what it’s like to fight. You don’t have to do it alone. Go get her back Brigs. I’m with you all the way.” He slaps me on the back.

It hurts like hell.

But his words do give me strength.

***

The next morning I get up bright and early, pausing in the doorway of Lachlan’s old room and staring at the bed where Natasha and I were last together here. The sun streams in through the window and I can almost see her there, the smile on her face, beaming at me brightly, the moment I told her I loved her. The moment she let herself believe it.

I take it all in and know that I’ve never been so honest, never been so real with myself than I was right then. That that’s something I need to honor.

I have other people to honor as well.

Before I head to the airport, I have the cab driver drop me off at the cemetery where Miranda and Hamish are buried together. I stop in front of their graves and put down a haphazard bouquet of late flowers I picked from my mum’s garden.

It’s a quiet morning here, almost empty, and the sunshine is golden. Foggy patches still linger and a bird close by sings on and on in a sweetly chirping tune. It sounds like spring, even though we are rushing into autumn. Maybe it’s a sign of rebirth. Maybe I don’t need any more signs.

I clear my throat and stand above the graves, the shiny headstones. “You both know there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of you. That I don’t remember every beautiful detail. That will never change. As long as I keep living, that will never change. Through the good and the bad, you both taught me so much and more than that you taught me what it’s like to be alive.” I pause, taking in a deep breath. “I just wanted you both to know that I love you. And that I’ve found someone that makes me very happy. Thing haven’t worked out the way any of us thought and I wish I could make it so that you were both here with me. But the truth is, life has other plans for us, greater than the ones we have for ourselves. I think…I think I’m finally ready to move on. I don’t know where I’m going but I know what I want and I’m going to fight for it. I just wanted your permission, your forgiveness, before I go forward.”

I know the dead can’t respond but that doesn’t mean I don’t wait. I close my eyes, taking in the sorrow and the grief and exhaling hope. I can feel it in my bones.

I feel love.

And I feel free.





CHAPTER TWENTYTWO

Natasha



It’s been two weeks since I last talked to Brigs, that tearful, horrible day in his office where I not only broke my own heart but broke his too. Two weeks and that image of his face crumbling before me, of the hurt and devastation on his brow, won’t leave my mind. It’s all I see. It’s in my dreams, it’s when I’m awake. It’s my punishment for giving him up, to see how badly I hurt him.

But I’m hurting too. Deeply. Beyond repair. Just like before, I’m on the edge of the black hole and so close to going over. I know that freefall – it’s a lot like love. But there’s no happy ending.

I don’t know how I keep from going over. Maybe it’s because I know what the depths feel like. Maybe it’s because this was my choice this time. I just know it was the only thing I could do. I had ruined him in the past and it was our love that took so much away from his life. I won’t do that again.

And maybe it’s because I know I won’t survive it in the end. How could he love me, look at me when he knows I’m the reason he’s had to give up a perfect career?

He would resent me. I would resent myself.

We would break up.

And once again, he would have nothing.

He’s gone through more than anyone should already.

I just can’t do it.

The terrible thing is, I know he loves me more than he loves his job. I know that everything he said is true – that he would leave his job for me in a heartbeat, that he would do it for us. I know it and that’s why I couldn’t let it happen. I couldn’t let him make that choice.